Old and New Jokes

women and children

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? Ill give you each a dollar if youll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recessions really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, Ill only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street."Look," he said, "I havent received my Social Security check yet, so Im not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?""A freakin quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think were going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, youre nuts! No way, dude. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

You might be a redneck if…
Youve never paid for a haircut.

Interns think of God, residents pray to God, doctors talk to God, nurses ARE God!

You think proletariat is a type of cheese.
Youre a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
Youve ever uttered the phrase, Why dont we just bomb the sons of bitches.
Youve ever said, I cant wait to get into business school.
You answer to The Man.
You dont think The Simpsons is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
You fax the FBI a list of Commies in my Neighborhood.
You dont let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of sexual deviance.
You scream Dit-dit-ditto while making love.
You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.
Youve ever said Clean air? Looks clean to me.
You spend free time reading The Bell Curve.
Youve ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of pornographers.
You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesnt want to contribute to society.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Uta!
Uta who?
Uta sight, uta mind!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Alfie!
Alfie who?
Alfie terrible if you leave!

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband decides to give his wife a gift, a tombstone, with the inscription: Here lies my wife…..cold as ever

Later the furious wife bought a return present, a tombstone with the inscription: Here lies my husband…..stiff at last

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Isaiah!
Isaiah who?
Isaiah nothing till you open this door!

If at first you dont succeed, transform your dataset.