Old and New Jokes

A turkey was chatting with a bull. I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, sighed the turkey, but I havent got the energy. Well, why dont you nibble on some of my droppings? replied the bull. Theyre packed with nutrients. The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.Moral of the story: Bull**** might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.

Q: How do you ruin a Polish party?

A: Flush the punch bowl.

Three men, a doctor, a minister, and a lawyer take a fishing boat out onto the ocean. A terrible storm arises, and the boat takes a great quantity of water. Fearing that they will all die, they decide that one of them must jump into the shark infested waters so that the other two may live.

The minister volunteers, saying that God will take care of him. He jumps in and is immediately eaten by the sharks.

More water comes into the boat. They decide that one of the two remaining people must jump in. The doctor says I have spent my entire life healing people, certainly I will survive the ocean. He jumps in and is immediately eaten by the sharks.

A person is walking along the shore line. He sees the boat being pushed by sharks onto the shore. It reaches the shore, and the lawyer steps out calmly. The man runs to the lawyer, and says hey, what was that all about?

The lawyer says Professional courtesy.

Why do men masturbate?

Because they want to have sex with someone they love.

Little Johnny is working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the
emergency room.

The doctor says, Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and Ill see what I can do.

Little Johnny says, I havent got the fingers.

The doctor says, What do you mean, you havent got the fingers? Its 2003. Weve got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could
have put them back on and made you like new. Why didnt you bring the fingers?

Furious, Johnny asks, How the hell was I supposed to pick them up???

You might be a redneck if…
Your home has more miles on it than your car.

From Carla Felicia, a comic I saw this weekend at Zanies here
in Chicago (with some adaptation).

For me, penises are a hobby, like fishing:

The small ones you throw back.
The good-sized ones you take home for dinner, and
The big ones you mount.

A guy is driving around suburban Jerusalem and he sees a sign in front of a house: Talking Dog For Sale. He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.


So, you talk? he asks.


Yap, the dog replies.


So, whats your story? asks the man.


The dog looks up and says, Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young and I wanted to help out. So I told the Mossad about my gift, and in no time at all they had me working flat strap, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders and suspected terrorists, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable agents for eight years running. But it was exhausting work and really tired me out. I knew I wasnt getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a less stressful job at Ben Gurion airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible stuff and was awarded a batch of medals. During that time I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now Im just retired. And pretty much, thats it.


The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


Ten dollars. The guy says,


This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?


Because hes a liar. He never worked for Mossad!

This guy goes into a bar, sits down, orders a beer, takes a drink and shouts, T.G.I.F!! A woman next to him, orders a beer, takes a drink and shouts, S.P.I.T.!!The guy orders another beer, takes a drink, and shouts T.G.I.F.!! The woman next to him orders another beer, takes a drink, and shouts S.P.I.T.!!! This goes on for quite a while and finally the bartender says to the guy, Why do you shout T.G.I.F? What does that mean?The guy answers, Thank God its Friday!!The bartender nods. Then he asks the woman, Why do you shout S.P.I.T.??The woman answers, Stupid prick, its Thursday!!

Good Afternnoon, Ridge Hall, computer assistant; may I help you?

Yes, well, Im having trouble with WordPerfect.

What sort of trouble?

Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went

away.

Went away?

They disappeared.

Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?

Nothing.

Nothing?

Its blank; it wont accept anything when I type.

Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?

How do I tell?

Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?

Whats a sea-prompt?

Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?

There isnt any cursor: I told you, it wont accept anything I type.

Does your monitor have a power indicator?

Whats a monitor?

Its the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it

have a little light that tells you when its on?

I dont know.

Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power

cord goes into it. Can you see that?

……Yes, I think so.

Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if its plugged into

the wall.

……Yes, it is.

When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?

No.

Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the

other cable.

……Okay, here it is.

Follow it for me, and tell me if its plugged securely into the back

of your computer.

I cant reach.

Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?

No.

Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?

Oh, its not because I dont have the right angle-its because its

dark.

Dark?

Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in

from the window.

Well, turn on the office light then.

I cant.

No? Why not?

Because theres a power outage.

A power… A power outage? Aha! Okay, weve got it licked now. Do

you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?

Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

Really? Is it that bad?

Yes, Im afraid it is.

Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

Tell them youre too stupid to own a computer!