Old and New Jokes

Three drunks were sitting at a bar.

The first one said… I went in my daughters room, looked in the drawer and found a pack of cigarettes.

He paused. I didnt even know she smoked!

The second drunk said… I can beat that! I went into my daughters room, looked in the closet and found a case of beer. I didnt even know she drank!

The first two looked at the third as he begin to speak..

I can beat that! I went into my daughters room and looked under her pillow. I found a pack of condoms!!!

He paused…

I didnt even know she had a penis!!!

Because of popular demand, Ill continue to post Deep Thoughts until people say they dont want it anymore or I run out. I have about 6 pages, so it should last awhile.

Deep Thoughts … by Jack Handy

If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, Cant you make it shoot farther?< Then you say, No, Im sorry. Thats as far as it shoots. I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our childrens children, because I dont think children should be having sex. If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet thats what REALLY throws you into a panic. Source: LOTD archive

Santa and Banta work in a software company. One day, they were to move their m/cs to another building. Santa was having a tough time carrying his machine.

Santa : My m/c has 500 MB disk. See how easily I am carrying it. Yours has just 250 MB. Cant you carry even this much?

Banta : But yours is empty and my disk is full!!!

Most all bachelors have been the victims of a blind date. Numerous well meaning friends and relatives are always willing to fix up unsuspecting bachelors with girls whom they describe as perfect for you. However, from the description given, it is difficult to imagine what these girls may be like. After considerable research, as a public service, I have attempted to translate some of these descriptive phrases into plain English: dandy little house keeper:
She has been married three times and kept all the houses fine character:
Shes ugly knows how to handle money:
Shes a spendthrift and great at spending yours spotless reputation:
Shes ugly strong family ties:
Shes a Mafia Princess loves children:
Shes pregnant and needs a husband wonderful personality:
Shes fat great sense of humor:
Shes fat and will laugh at anything you say the outdoor type:
She hunts, fishes, chews tobacco, and shaves just like the guys ready to settle down:
Shes thirty-five, in a state of panic, and dying to marry likes to have a good time:
She gets drunk a lot lots of fun at parties:
Often makes an ass of herself mature woman:
Shes at least thirty, but looks at least forty-five has the appearance of a young school girl:
Shes at least thirty-three, but dresses like a teenager casual:
She dresses like a slob decorated her own place:
Her apartment resembles a pig sty a great dancer:
Shell wear the soles right off your shoes not overly emotional:
She only cries twenty-seven times a day doesnt chase men:
Shes more of a mousetrap or a black widow spider type seldom dates:
Shes a lesbian who needs a male escort for something understands men:
Shes been married and divorced four times a good sport:
She knows two hundred jokes and can drink you under t

A secretary came in late for work the third day in a row.

Her boss called her into his office and said, Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but thats over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. Who told you you could come and go as you please around here?

Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, My lawyer.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Cecile!
Cecile who?
Cecile this envelope!

Q: Did you know that Clintons cat can play Chess?
A: Inside Information: The cat isnt really all that good at Chess. The last time they played best of five, Clinton won three games to two.

WOMEN SEEKING MEN Classifieds translations

Loves Animals means: Cat lady

Non-traditional means: Ex-husband lives in the basement

Open-minded means: Desperate

The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.

Yo mama so dumb that when I told her it was chilly outside and she went out with a bowl and spoon.