Old and New Jokes

I learned French in six easy liasons.

Background: Bobby Cox is manager of the Atlanta Braves baseball team. Theyve won the National League title two in a row and have another good team this year. Theyve had some trouble scoring, so about a month ago they traded with the San Diego team for Fred McGriff who has won a couple of battling titles. It is a understatement to say that McGriff has improved Atlantas offense. Atlanta is visiting San Francisco this week to play the Division leading Gaints.

Yesterday, a SF reporter teased Bobby Cox when asking him, If a car containing your wife and Fred McGriff started toppling over a thousand foot clift, and you had the chance of saving just one of them, which would you choose?

To which Cox is said to have answered: My wife couldnt hit the side of a barn door! 🙂

Four major executives from various countries are playing golf together. On the second tee they hear a phone ring.

The Canadian executive reaches into his bag and pulls out a cellular phone. O.K. buy 100 shares, the Canadian tells the other person on the phone. Then he looks at the others and says, Im such an important person, that I have to make sure my employees can reach me at any time. Therefore I carry a cell phone everywhere.

On the next tee, they hear the sound of another phone. All of a sudden, the American puts his finger to his mouth and his thumb to his hear and begins talking. When he gets off the line he tells the others, Im so important that I had my company install a microphone in my index finger and a speaker in my thumb. That way, I dont have to worry about carrying a cellular telephone. The people are very impressed and move on down the fairway.

On the green, they hear another phone ring. The German stands up tall and says, O.K., sell the company now. Then he loosens up and tells the others, Im so important that I had my company put a microphone in my lip and a speaker in my ear. That way all I need to do is stand up straight to get the signal.

Everybody is really impressed and they continue playing.

At the next tee they hear another phone. All of a sudden, the Japanese executive runs into the bushes. After a few minutes, the others get worried about him so they go into the bushes to find him.

They find him with his pants around his knees, squatting.

Oh, were sorry, the American exclaims, somewhat embarassed, well leave you alone.

Thats O.K., the Japanese executive says, Im just waiting for a fax!

OConnell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

Please, God, he implored, let it be blood!

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

All the kings horses and all the kings men

Said fuck him! – hes only an egg!

Little boy blew

Hey! He needed the money!

A: She was run over by the zambonis machine.

Q: What did the Polish mother say when her daughter announced that she was pregnant?

A: Are you sure its yours?

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom. The other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom Oh honey, I think Im going to have a little whisk broom …

Thats IMPOSSIBLE!! exclaimed the groom broom.

WE HAVENT EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER YET!!!

A photographer from a well know national magazine
was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.

The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the
fire fighters as they battled the blaze.

When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke
was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it
impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level.
He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos
from the air. His request was approved and arrangements
were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where
a plane would be waiting for him. He arrived at the airport
and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with
his bag and shouted, Lets go! The pilot swung the little
plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.
The photographer said, Fly over the park and make two or three
low passes so I can take some pictures.

Why? asked the pilot. Because I am a photographer, he
responded, and photographers take photographs.

The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered,
You mean youre not the flight instructor?

There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had was a female donkey. One day he wins the lottery and gets $50,000. He doesnt know what to do with his money, so he decides to spend a night in a five star hotel. He asks for the finest room and starts going up the stairs with his female donkey. The manager sees him and asks where hes going with his donkey.
Anywhere I go, she goes.
Im sorry, sir, said the manager, but you cant take the donkey upstairs. Leave it down here with us and well take good care of her. So Bozo goes up to his room and opens the door. Everything is made of gold, there is a table full of food, and a huge television. He doesnt want to ruin anything so he takes his raggedy coat off and sleeps on the floor. The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how his night was.
Great! replied Bozo. How much do I have to pay? he asks.
One thousand dollars for the food.
But I havent touched the food.
It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand dollars for the TV.
But I didnt even know how to turn the damn thing on!
It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for sleeping on the bed.
But I slept on the floor!
It was there. Your total is eight thousand dollars.
You owe me ten thousand dollars for screwing my donkey.
But sir, I didnt screw your donkey.
It was there. You should have!