Old and New Jokes

There is an English, Irish and Scotsman on a plane flying over Europe. Suddenly
they are in the midst of a massive storm. Lightning rears its ugly head and
strikes the planes wings. The plane begins its final spiraling decent towards
the ground.

At this point the pilot leaps out wearing the only parachute. This causes the
three terrified men do go down on their knees and pray like never before.

Just then the LORD appears….

Your prayers have been answered! Since you have all been good christians
I give you one more chance at life! Jump from the plane and whatever you say
you shall become! So be it!

And with that he was gone.

The Englishman ran for the exit and leapt out….

A bird! The Englishman turned into a beautiful Eagle and soared safely
towards the ground where he became a man again.

The Scotsman leapt out ….

A….Parachute! The Scotsman floated gently to the ground where he
returned
to normal form.

The Irish man ran towards the exit and tripped and stumbled head first out of
the plane…

Shit………..

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, Lord, I have a
problem!

Whats the problem, Eve?

Lord, I know youve created me and have provided this beautiful garden
and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but
Im just not happy.

Why is that, Eve? came the reply from above.

Lord, I am lonely. And Im sick to death of apples.

Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for
you.

Whats a man, Lord?

This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an
enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All
in all, hell give you a hard time. But, hell be bigger and faster and
more muscular than you. Hell be really good at fighting and kicking a
ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in
the sack.

Sounds great, says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

Yeah, well. Hes better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But,
you can have him on one condition.

Whats that, Lord?

Youll have to let him believe that I made him first.

– Snowflakes.

Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com

I was in the waiting room of my doctors office the other day when the doctor started yelling, Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles! I went up to the nurse and asked her what was going on.

She told me that the doctor liked to call the shots.

(From a friend of mine who heard it at work:)

A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would
come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit some
more–would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take
care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit.

One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly,
Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?

Her husband snarled, What do I look like? The Ty-D-Bol&reg man? and sat down
on the sofa.

The next day, the garbage disposal wouldnt work. When her husband got home,
she said, very nicely, Honey, the disposal wont work. Would you try to fix
it for me?

Once again, he growled, What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?

The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home,
she steeled her courage and said, Honey, the washer isnt running. Would you
check on it? and again was met with a snarl, What do I look like? The Maytag
repairman?

Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three
repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her
husband got home, she said, Honey, I had the repairmen out today.

He frowned, Well, how much is that going to cost?

Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having
sex with them.

Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them? he asked.
She smiled. What do I look like? Betty Crocker?

Ted: Last night my computer died. Ned: What did it die of? Ted: A

terminal illness

The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the fuss over "Ebonics," has decided to designate Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as alanguage to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from theHickphonics/English dictionary: HEIDI — noun. Greeting. HIRE YEW – Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew." BARD — verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck." JAWJUH — noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Hot-lanta.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck." MUNTS — noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts." IGNERT — adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!" RANCH — noun. A tool used for tightnin bolts.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago." ALL — noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck." FAR — noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh dont change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far." BAHS — noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you dont stop reading these Southern words and git back to work (or studying), your bahs is gonna far you!" TAR — noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh dont git a flat tar in my pickup truck." TIRE — noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin and the creek dont rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime." RETARD — Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65." TARRED — adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred." FAT — noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat. ARE — pronoun. Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective. RATS — noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin to fat for are rats." FARN — adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed… must be from some farn country." DID — adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "Hes did, Jim." EAR — noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He caint breath … give im some ear!" BOB WAR — noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence." JEW HERE — Noun and verb contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cumpny?" HAZE — a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah… haze ignert." SEED — verb, past tense. VIEW — contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I aint never seed New York City… view?" HEAVY DEW — phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?" GUMMIT — noun. A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."

Defendant: Your Honor, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.



Judge: And why is that?



Defendant: Because the Public Defender isnt interested in my case.



Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendants motion?



Public Defender: Im sorry, Your Honor. I wasnt listening.

A verbal contract isnt worth the paper its printed on.

A blonde got lost in her car in a snowstorm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow and follow it. Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes. Finally, the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, Well, Im done with the parking lot here at Wal-Mart, now you can follow me over to K-Mart.