Old and New Jokes

Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex.

Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market.

The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.

The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities).

A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.

While Contraceptive98 does not address non-traditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be known as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.

OPERATION

Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, It is now safe to turn off your partner.

DRAWBACKS

Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.

CONCLUSION

Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera.

Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98s potential. He recently said, Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what weve been doing to our customers for years.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Bera!
Bera who?
Bera necessity!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Toronto!
Toronto who?
Toronto be a law against Knock Knock

jokes!

A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, May I help you, sir?

The duck says, Yeah. Help me get this human out of my ass.

Una vez que se conocieron bien Tarzán y Jane no paraban de hacer el amor. Pero después de unas semanas Jane le dijo a Tarzán:

Es suficiente, tenemos que encontrar otra forma de hacerlo… ¡Ya sé! Mira Tarzán, tú te subes a una liana de ese árbol y yo a la de aquel, cuando te de la señal, te sueltas, yo haré lo mismo y te esperaré en el aire como libro abierto. Aségurate de estar bien tenso ¿eh?

Así lo hace Tarzán. Jane da la señal y se sueltan. De pronto Jane grita:

¡Tarzán! ¡Tarzán! ¡Vas muy arrib…!

Q: Why do blondes use tampons with extra long strings?

A: So the crabs can go bungee-jumping.

A Texan died and ascended into Heaven. St. Peter met him and welcomed him, saying You will certainly enjoy Paradise.

The Texan shook his head sadly and said I always thought that TEXAS was Paradise.

St. Peter said Well, let me show you what we have to offer. He took the Texan to an area that had a beautiful river flowing through it with wildlife and flowers everywhere. Isnt this beautiful? said St. Peter

The Texan replied, Yes, but not as pretty as the area around SAN ANTONIO.

Somewhat ruffled, St. Peter took him to another area where there were rolling hills, white tail deer and bluebonnets and Indian Paintbrush everywhere. Now said St. Peter Have you ever seen anything so wonderful?

The Texan paused and said Yes, it is beautiful but it does not hold a candle to the TEXAS HILL COUNTRY in the springtime.

Becoming more upset, St. Peter then took the Texan to a beautiful white beach, with gentle waves, and an azure sky. Now have you seen anything this beautiful in Texas said St. Peter.

The Texan smiled and said I guess youve never been to SOUTH PADRE ISLAND.

At this point, St. Peter took the Texan to a large rock. On the side of the rock was a huge iron door. St. Peter opened the door and they stepped into an elevator and started going down. As they descended, it grew more and more hot. When the elevator door open, it revealed the fires of damnation – Hell.

St. Peter said Now, have you got anything in Texas that can top that?

The Texan thought a moment and shook his head. No, but I know a couple of old boys from HOUSTON that can put that thing out for you.

What do you call a gay dinosaur?

A megasorass.

Twas the night before Christmas,
Yet he slept all alone.
In a one-bedroom house,
Made of plaster and stone.
I had come down the chimney
With presents to give,
And to see just what man
In this small house did live.
I looked all about,
What a strange site to see.
No tinsel, no presents,
Not even a tree.
No stockings by the fire,
Just boots spit shined bright.
Then something else gleamed,
Reflecting the moonlight.
They were medals and badges,
Awards of all kinds.
And a sobering thought
Soon came to my mind.
For this house was different,
Unlike any Id topped.
This was the home of an officer,
The home of a cop.
Id heard stories about them,
And I had to see more.
So I walked down the hall,
And pushed open the door.
And there he lay sleeping,
Silent and alone.
Curled up on his bed,
In this one-bedroom home.
He seemed so gentle,
His face weathered tan,
I soon understood
That this was more than a man.
For I realized the families
That I saw this night,
Owed their lives to these people
Who were willing to fight.
Soon round the nation
The children would play,
And grown-ups would celebrate
On a bright Christmas day.
They all enjoyed safety
Each month, and all year
Because of officers like him,
This man lying here.
I couldnt help wonder
How many were on patrol.
All alone on Christmas Eve
Out in the shivering cold.
I watched him for hours,
So silent and so still,
And I noticed that he shivered,
From the cold nights chill.
So I took off my jacket,
The one made of red.
And I covered this officer
From his toes to his head.
Then I put on His jacket
With the badge of silver and gold,
With the words Police Officer
Emblazoned so bold.
Though it barely fit me
I began to swell with pride,
And for one shining moment
I was an officer inside.
I didnt want to leave him
So quiet in the night,
This guardian of justice,
So willing to fight.
But half asleep he rolled over,
And in a voice clean and pure
Said, Carry on Santa – its Christmas,
All here is secure.
One look at my watch
And I knew he was right.
Merry Christmas my friend,
Code four and good night.

What did one Lesbian frog say to the other Lesbian frog?

You know what…we DO taste like chicken!