Old and New Jokes

What three words will a Jewish American Princess never hear?

Attention K-mart shoppers

A small boy is wandering in a hotel, and hearing some noises
decides to open a door. He says Wow, its dark here!
You can imagine that theres a man with a woman in that room…
The man asks, What do you want? Heres a buck, leave us alone.
A bit latter, the boy goes back again, opens the door, and says:
Wow, its dark here! Not you again! Here, take this and
go buy yourself something. And the boy goes out with 2 bucks.

The following morning, the boy feels some remorse, and tells what happened
to his mother. She says: Thats wrong. You should go to the church,
and confess yourself.

So there he goes. Entering the booth, he says: Wow, its dark here!.
To which the priest says: Are you following me around?

Hell never go where Hes told until he dies.

A man was sitting at the bar in a watering hole whose selling point was that it was on top of the largest skyscraper in town. Another man walks in and asks the bartender for a Jack Daniels. He downs it, and then takes a running leap out the window. Much to everybodys surprise, he floats back up and climbs through the window back into the bar. The man at the bar is amazed and asks the man how he did it.
"Easy," says the man. "Outside this window are some very strong wind currents which can carry you back to the window."
"Wow," says the man at the bar. "I gotta try this." He takes a running leap out the window and falls to a horrible, bloody, and flat death.
"Geez, Superman," says the bartender. "You can be a real a jerk when youre drunk."

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. Shed seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!!!!

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another hole in the ice.

Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!!!

The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole in the ice.

The voice came once more, FOR THE LAST TIME, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!!

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, Is that you, Lord?

The voice replied, NO you idiot!…this is the Ice-Rink Manager.

A man walked into a bar and ordered 6 shots of tequilla, the bartender, being rather reluctant said, Cmon man, nothing can be that bad that you need 6 shots of tequilla.

All the man said is, I just found out that my first son is gay.

Oh geez, replied the bartender,here ya go. and he gave him the 6 shots.

2 months later, same guy, same bar, same bartender, this time the man asks for 12 shots of tequilla. Once again the bartender says, Cmon man, nothing can be that bad that you need 12 shots of tequilla.

And the man replied by stating, I just found out my second son is gay.

Oh man, that is pretty bad! said the bartender feeling really sorry for the man, so he gave him his 12 shots of tequilla.

3 more months went by and the same situation again, this time the man asks for 24 shots of tequilla. The bartender says God damn man, doesnt anybody in your family eat pussy?

The man replied, Yeah, I just found out my daughter does.

Four nuns are driving to market and get hit by a drunk driver and all four nuns die. They get in line to go through pearly gates and wait for St. Peter to admit them.

St. Peter goes to the nuns and says I realize that you are sisters of the cloth, but I must ask you if you have anything to report to me that might be a sin.

The sisters thought for a while and the first nun went to St. Peter. I once touched a mans penis with this finger. St. Peter thought for a while and said. Im sure it was in the line of duty; Place your finger in that holy water and swirl it around. She did as she was instructed and PING she was in.

The second nun went to St. Peter and said, I once touched a mans genitals with my entire right hand. Again St. Peter thought for a while and said, Im sure it was within your duties; Swirl your hand in that holy water and go in. The second nun did as she was instructed and ping she was in.

All of a sudden the 4th nun jumped in front of the 3rd nun. St. Peter was really confused by this. How come you cut in front of Sister?

The 4th nun replied, I just wanted to know if I could gargle with that holy water before she soaked her ass in it!

Rodhamhood: She steals from everyone to give to the government.

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.

Una pareja de ancianos discuten, y él le dice a ella:

Cuando te mueras voy a comprar una lápida que diga: Aquí yace mi mujer, tan fría como siempre.

Y yo voy a poner: Aquí yace mi marido, ¡al fin rígido!.