Old and New Jokes

Q: What happens when a paranoid has low self-esteem?

A: He thinks that nobody important is out to get him.

An elderly couple was watching a show where a preacher was

talking about the healing powers of God.

To all of those who are ailed by some sickness, place your hand on the screen & I will heal you! the preacher exclaimed.

The old lady, who was having some stomach problems, placed her hand on the top of the T.V.

The old man placed his hand on the T.V. also, then stuck his hand deep into his pants.

His wife looks over at him and says, Gordon, the preacher is talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead!

Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quaterback is a refund.

Insensitive Term—Preferred Term: ETHNICITY

PC people do not recognize the term, race, as valid

Black- African-Canadian, (NOTE: DOES NOT INCLUDE: LIBYANS, EGYPTIANS, WHITE South AFRICANS. DOES INCLUDE: PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN REGARDLESS OF WHERE THEY ARE FROM OR WHERE THEY LIVE.)

Oriental- Asian-Canadian (Note: Not Considered REAL Minorities since they tend to do well)

Indian- Native-Canadian (NOTE: The following terms are no PC: Atlanta Braves, Cleveland Indians, Kansas City Chiefs, Washington Redskins, (Avoid these cities!)

Chicano -Hispanic (NOTE: THE FOLLOWING ARE NOT PC: Cheech and Chong, Chico and the Man episodes, Cisco Kid, Rosarita Salsa, Speedy Gonzales, AVOID! AVOID!)

White Trash-PC Unaware, Rustically Inclined

WASP (white male)-insensitive Cultural Oppressor (ICO)

GENDER-(PC people dont like the word sex as it has confusing connotations)

 

Woman- Womyn; Vaginal-Canadian

Girl-Pre-Womyn

Housewife-Domestic Engineer

Fireman-Firefighter

Stewardess-Flight Attendant

Meter Maid-Parking Enforcement Adjudicator

Post Man-Post Person Mail Man Person Person

Policeman-Law Enforcement Officer; Baton Boy Cal. Clubber

Prostitute-Sex Surrogate (Teen Victim. See: Broken Home)

Mankind/Human-Earth Children

Handicapped-Physically Challenged Differently Abled Handi-Capable

Blind-Optically Darker Photonically Non-receptive

Deaf-Visually Oriented

Poor-Economically Unprepared

Bum-Homeless Person Displaced Homeowner

Hunter-Animal Assassin Meat Mercenary Bambi Butcher

Whaler-Blubber Lovers

Old Person /Elderly-4th-Dimentionally Extended Gerontologically Advanced

Conservative-Right Wing Extremist Fascist Pig

Drug Addict-Chemically Challenged

Bald-Comb-Free

Bisexual-Sexually Non-preferential

Midget, Dwarf-Little People, Vertically Challenged

Convict-Socially Separated

Insane People-Selectively Perceptive Mental Explorers

Learning Disability-Self-Paced Cognitive Ability

Tree-Hugger-Environmental Activist

Logger-Wood Weasel, Paper Pirate, Treeslayer

Dead People-Dysfunctional Earth Children Biologically Challenged Metaphysically Challenged

Broken Home-Dysfunctional Family

HouseBroken-Family Dysfunction

Cattle Ranch-Cattle Concentration Camp (CCC) Moo-shwitz

Senile Bag oBones-Alzheimers Victim

Ghetto/Barrio-(EHA) Ethnically Homogenous Area

Pre-Integrated Pre-Nirvana

Hamburger-Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh (SMAF)

Cheeseburger-Adding Insult to Injury

Cheating (in School)-Academic Dishonesty

Used Books-Recycled Books

Trees-Oxygen Exchange Units

Gang-Youth Group

Slum-(EOZ) Economic Oppression Zone

Obese- People of Mass Gravitationally Challenged

Delicatessen- Corpse Farm Charnel House

NAME: Expecteria Trouserius (Trouser Snake)

LOCATION: Throughout the world

DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood and sub-species.

SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen, resulting in an incurable disease and consequent death.

HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in unusual places.

ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.

WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED

TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.

MILKING THE SNAKE:

Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.

Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.

This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive and start spitting.

The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the skill of the milker and the last time the snake attacked.

Once milked the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.

CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin and treated with the right respect will make a wonderful pet.

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

– Old policemen never die, they just cop out.

– Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on….

– Old printers never die, theyre just not the type.

– Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.

There was this guy at the patent office counter and said, I want to patent this Peach.

The clerk asked,Whats so special about your peach?

The guy said, taste it, so he did. He told the guy it taste like a peach, so what? He then said, turn it around! The clerk took a bite and said,wow, this tastes like an apple! You have your Patent!

Then the next guy walks up and said,I want to patent this cookie!

The clerk said,now what is so special about your cookie?

In return the guy said, It tastes like a womans snatch!

The clerk said I gotta try this so he took a bite. He then said, Oh man, this tastes like shit!

The man at the counter said, Turn it around!

La esposa argentina le dice al esposo argentino:

Che, ya es hora de que le enseñés al pibe lo que hacen los pajaritos y las mariposas y los conejitos, ¿vos me entendés no?

El argentino entiende y le dice al hijo:

Che, ¿te acordás cuando fuimos al cabaret y nos cogimos ese par de minitas? Bueno, lo mismo hacen los pajaritos y las abejitas y los conejitos…

What do you call a blonde who dyed her hair?

Artificial intellegence.

Your boss is always yelling, I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!
Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human Resources.
Id love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.
To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
People stop stealing your pens after theyve seen where you keep them.
Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work stoned.
Gives bad hair day a whole new meaning.
No one steals your chair.