Old and New Jokes

A blonde, brunette and redhead woman decided to compete in the Breast Stroke division of the English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde finally reached the shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and a drink she remarked, I dont want to complain, but Im pretty sure those other two girls used their arms.

I was walking into the store the other day when I saw this blind man an his seeing eye dog. Suddenly, the man grabs the dogs leash, and starts swinging the dog around his head. I walked up and said Hey, what the hell are you doin?

The blind man said Oh nothing, just lookin around.

Doctor: I have some good news and I have some bad news, which shall I tell first? Patient: Do begin with the bad news, please.

Doctor: Alright. Your son has drowned, your daughter has been raped, your wife has divorced you, your house got blown away, and you have AIDS.

Patient: Good grief! Whats the good news?

Doctor: The good news is that there is no more bad news.

1. Big companies dont do business via chain letter. Bill Gates is not giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation. There is no baby food company issuing class-action checks. You can relax; there is no need to pass it on just in case its true. Furthermore, just because someone said in the message, four generations back, that we checked it out and its legit, does not actually make it true.
2. There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans. No one is waking up in a bathtub full of ice, even if a friend of a friend swears it happened to their cousin. If you are hellbent on believing the kidney-theft ring stories, please see:
http://urbanlegends.tqn.com/library/weekly/aa062997.htm
And I quote: The National Kidney Foundation has repeatedly issued requests for actual victims of organ thieves to come forward and tell their stories. None have. Thats none as in zero. Not even your friends cousin.
3. Neiman Marcus doesnt really sell a $200 cookie recipe. And even if they do, we all have it. And even if you dont, you can get a copy at:
http://www.bl.net/forwards/cookie.html
Then, if you make the recipe, decide the cookies are that awesome, feel free to pass the recipe on.
4. We all know all 500 ways to drive your roommates crazy, irritate co-workers, gross out bathroom stall neighbors and creep out people on an elevator. We also know exactly how many engineers, college students, Usenet posters and people from each and every world ethnicity it takes to change a lightbulb.
5. Even if the latest NASA rocket disaster(s) DID contain plutonium that went to particulate over the eastern seaboard, do you REALLY think this information would reach the public via an AOL chain-letter?
6. There is no Good Times virus. In fact, you should never, ever, ever forward any email containing any virus warning unless you first confirm it at an actual site of an actualcompany that actually deals with virii. Try:
http://www.norton.com/
And even then, dont forward it.
7. If your CC: list is regularly longer than the actual content of your message, youre probably going to Hell.
8. If youre using Outlook, IE, or Netscape to write email, turn off the HTML encoding. Those of us on Unix shells cant read it, and dont care enough to save the attachment and then view it with a web browser, since youre probably forwarding us a copy of the Neiman Marcus Cookie Recipe anyway.
9. If you still absolutely MUST forward that 10th-generation message from a friend, at least have the decency to trim the eight miles of headers showing everyone else whos received it over the last 6 months. It sure wouldnt hurt to get rid of all the > that begin each line. Besides, if it has gone around that many times – weve probably already seen it.
10.Craig Shergold in England is not dying of cancer or anything else at this time and would like everyone to stop sending him their business cards. He apparently is also no longer a little boy either.

A duck walks in to a drug store and asks for a condom.

The sales person comes back with the condom and says Put this on your bill sir to which the duck replies what do you think IM a dickhead!

IBM: Indefinitly Boggled Machine

Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Just one, and theyll use a non-disposable diaper too!

¿Sabes como se inventaron las vocales?

Adán y Eva eran muy felices y puros de pensamiento hasta que mordieron la manzana.

Al morderla, Eva voltea a ver a Adán y dice: ¡A!

El se vuelve a verla e interumpiéndola dice: ¿E?

Ella, apuntándole a sus partes íntimas, le contesta: ¿I?

Adán, avergonzado, se cubre y dice: ¡O!

Entonces ella levanta la mano haciendo la senal con los dedos de algo super pequeño y dice:

¡Uuuuu…!

One day Mary, a mom of 3, was making a pie for her kids. Johnny was 5, steve was 10, and Cortez was 15. Steve had a BB gun and left the box of BBs on on the kitchen table. While Mary was cooking the pie she turned and the box of BBs fell into the pie mix. She decided not to worry about and left them in without tell her children. After dinner, the desert was the pie and every kid had 2 pieces. The next day when they got home johnny went to his mom and say that he peed out little silver balls and Mary told him not to worry about it. Then steve came to her and said the same thing and she told him not to worry about it. Then Cortez came to mary and mary said, let me guess, you peed out little silver balls. and Cortez said, No i was jacking off in the kitchen and i think i killed the dog!.

An original idea can never emerge from committee in its original form.