Old and New Jokes

Should the tree be real or fake?
Yuppie Solution: Live tree, planted after use

Male Solution: Fake tree, discarded after use

Female Solution: Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits

Reality: Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with furballs

Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?
Yuppie Solution: Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm

Male Solution: Bulbs flash logo of football team

Female Solution: Elegant flickering candles

Reality: Tree bursts into flames, burns house down

Should the tree be topped with an angel or a star?
Yuppie Solution: Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype

Male Solution: Blonde angel, kneeling, in a wet T-shirt

Female Solution: Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas

Reality: Hells Angel steals the tree and the gifts

Do you fling or hang tinsel?
Yuppie Solution: Empower each strand w/self-determining skills

Male Solution: Six large clumps of tinsel on front of tree

Female Solution: Each icicle hangs like strand of spaghetti

Reality: More icicles on floor than on tree

Do you open gifts on Christmas Eve or Morning
Yuppie Solution: Gifts opened on posted, individual schedules

Male Solution: Anytime, just so it doesnt interfere with football

Female Solution: Anytime the entire family is present

Reality: Doesnt matter, everyones peeked anyway

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

If you yelled at your plants instead of talking to them, would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isnt it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Q: How many alt.folklore.urban readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, wholl do it for food.

Q: Why are there no ice cubes in the blondes freezer?

A: She forgot the recipe.

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?



A: You can park in the handicap zone.

A mother complained to her doctor about her daughters

strange eating habits.



All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax.



What will happen to her, doctor?, the mother inquired.



Eventually, said the doctor, she will rise and shine!

A man hears a knock at his door, opens it but doesnt see anyone.

He glances down, sees a snail there and being the conscientious gardener he is, tosses the snail across the road, into a field, away from his property.

Ten years go by, and one day the man hears a knock at the door, but once again, doesnt find anyone there when he answers.

He looks down, sees a snail there.

The snail looks up at him, and in a tiny voice demands, – WHAT WAS THAT FOR?

MR. SMITH got himself a new secretary.

She was young, sweet and pretty.

One day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.

When leaving the room she said, Oh, Mr. Smith, did you know your barracks door is open?

He did not understand her remark, but later he happened to look down and saw his zipper was open.

He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. Calling her in he asked, By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open did you also see a soldier standing at attention?

The secretary who was quite witty said, Why no Mr. Smith.

All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags.

From News of the Weird by Chuck Shepherd …

Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, N.J., in September and his wife, Bonnie, was also injured by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up their car.

While driving around at 2 a.m., the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was CLOSED!

-From:

De banaan wordt bespreekbaar, cultuurverandering in
ambtelijk en politiek Groningen. door Tom Pauka en
Rein Zunderdorp (Nijgh en van Ditmar, 1988)

Translated:

The banana becomes open to discussion, cultural changes in
administrative and political Groningen (city in Netherlands) by
Tom Pauka and Rein Zunderdorp (Nijgh and van Ditmar, 1988)]

Red-tapism:

Take a cage with apes. In the cage we hang a banana on a string,
and put stairs under it. Before long an ape goes to the stairs
towards the banana, but as soon as it even touches the stairs,
all apes are sprayed with water. After a while the same ape or
another one makes another attempt, with the same result: all
apes are sprayed. If later another ape tries to climb the
stairs, the others will try to prevent it.

Now we take one ape from the cage and put in a new one. The new
ape sees the banana, and wants to climb the stairs. To his
horror all other apes attack him. After another attempt he
knows: if he wants to climb the stairs, he is beaten up. Then we
remove a second ape and replace it by another new one. The
newcomer goes to the stairs and gets beaten up. The previous
new ape takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

A third old ape is replaced by a third new one. The new one
makes it to the stairs and get beaten up as well. Two of the
apes who beat him, have no idea why you may not climb the stairs.
We replace the fourth old ape, and the fifth, etc. until all
apes which ones have been sprayed with water have been replaced.
Nevertheless, no ape ever tries to climb the stairs.

But Sir, why not?

Because thats the way we do things here, lad.

Rob and Huub