Old and New Jokes

John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.

When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.

How did you like that jump, buddy? said a proud John to a deck hand.

It was great, said the sailor. But why didnt you wait? We were just pulling in!

A guy goes to the drug store and asked for 99 condoms. The guy at the counter said, Fuck me, thats a lot of condoms!

The guy buying them said, In that case, better make it 100.

Q. Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice? A. Beacause it said

concentrate!

You might be a redneck if…
Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.

A sheepdog walks into a bar and sits up at the bar on a barstool. The barman is very confused but decides to serve him anyway.The sheepdog orders a double scotch and the barman says,
Im sorry for asking, but can you pay for it?The dog says yes and reaches into his fur and pulls out his wallet.That will be £26, the barman says.The dog looks a little surprised but he pulls out £26 and gives it to the barman who hands him his drink.The dog downs the drink in one and gets up to leave. The barman watches him and as he opens the door, he calls out, Im sorry, but we dont get many dogs in here ordering a double scotch.The dog replies, Im not surprised at £26 a time!

They tell me, that age my dear, is just a state of mind

And of course that growing old, is not a thing to dread

I went to a funeral yesterday, held for a friend of mine

His state of mind isnt good, cause now he thinks hes dead

Copyright 1995 by Roger Sullivan

How are daughters boyfriends like cockroaches?

They hang around the kitchen and its hard to get rid of them!

Your friend tells you he went online last night, and you think he took a drunk driving test.

Your mama has more tattoos than you do.

You think the ATM machine is a giant, public calculator.

There was a farmer who had a lot of live stock. He had cows, horses, chickens, pigs, and bulls. One day a terrible twister came and the man and his family were only saved by throwing themselves in the nearest ditch. After it was all over, he looked up to see that the house was gone. Saddened by the loss, he went out to see if any of the animals had survived. The horses, chickens, pigs, and cows were laid out flat but the bulls were standing! The farmer was amazed and asked them, How is it that all the other animals are down and you are still standing? The bulls replied, We bulls wobble but we dont fall down!

The 5 questions most feared by men are:

1. What are you thinking about?

2. Do you love me?

3. Do I look fat in this?

4. Do you think she is prettier than me?

5. What would you do if I died?



What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.



Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: Im sorry if Ive been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you. This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a. Football.

b. Golf.

c. How fat you are.

d. How much prettier she is than you

e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.



Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!



Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: YES! or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, Yes, dear.



Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh Yeah, sh@*-loads.

b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?

c. That depends on what you mean by love.

d. Does it matter?

e. Who, me?



Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: Of course not! Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?

b. I wouldnt call you fat, but youre not exactly thin.

c. A little extra weight looks good on you.

d. Ive seen fatter.

e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.



Question # 4: Do you think shes prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: Of course not! Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality

b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner

c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age

d. Define pretty

e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.



Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is Buy a Lotus and a Boat).



No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:



WOMAN: Would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not – dont you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldnt you remarry?

MAN: Okay, Id get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

MAN: (makes audible groan)

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

MAN: She cant use them; shes left-handed.

WOMAN: – – – silence – – –

MAN: Sh&%.