Old and New Jokes

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a residence, and was just about done for the day. He
stepped out for a smoke, only to realize hed lost his cigarettes.He went back in to look for them, and noticed in the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes, he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.As he was cleaning up, the woman who owned the house came in. Here, she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. I found these in the hallway.Now, she said, if only I could find my parakeet!

Limbaughium Lb
The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarizes all elements that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons; attracts only morons.

Billclintium Bc
With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes a series of interesting changes when in hot water.

Canadium Eh
Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often called Boron.

Innofensium Pc
Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons, quarks. Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose.

Newtium
Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply.

Quaylium Vp
Einsteinium it aint.

Budweisium Ps
Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water.

Cabmium Cb
Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is variable, and scientists have not determined the formula for calculating it.

Politicium Po
Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can reach lethal concentrations in the House.

Congress Cg
Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.

Snot Sn
Bonds forever with corduroy.

The boss went on an efficiency kick, and put up signs all over the office saying DO IT NOW.

Within three hours, the cashier absconded with the money in the safe, the secretary eloped with the bosss son, the office boy threw a bottle of ink into the electric fan, and the entire (remaining) staff went off to a ball game.

Yo mama aint so bad…she would give you the hair off of her back!

En un viaje, aquel señor acertó a pasar por la ciudad donde estudiaba su hijo, al que estaba ansioso de ver después de tanto tiempo, y de quien se sentía muy orgulloso.

Tomó un taxi para ir a visitarlo a la casa donde vivía junto a otros compañeros. Llega a la casa y toca el timbre. Se abre una ventana del segundo piso y asoma la cabeza un muchacho:

Dígame, señor.

¿Aquí vive Leovigildo Pérez?

Sí, responde el muchacho, déjelo en la puerta, ahorita lo recogemos nosotros.

Llegaron tres individuos al Cielo, pero debido al sobrecupo únicamente admitirían a uno de ellos, por lo que San Pedro les explica:

El que haya tenido la muerte más inesperada, entrará.

El primer tipo alega:

Me encontraba en mi oficina, cuando presentí que mi esposa me estaba engañando, así que de inmediato me fui a casa. Al llegar escuché a mi mujer decir escóndete. De tal forma que empecé a buscar al desgraciado, cuando vi unas manos en el balcón; empecé a pegarles hasta que cayó; era tanto mi enojo que, además, le aventé el refrigerador. Después de un rato, me di un tiro de puro remordimiento.

El segundo declara:

Estaba pintando una pared de una casa, cuando resbalé y quedé colgado de un balcón. De repente, alguien empezó a pegarme y me solté. Momentos después, me cayó un refrigerador encima.

El último de ellos cuenta:

Estaba con mi amante cuando escuché que llegó su esposo; entonces me escondí en el refrigerador y después no supe que pasó.

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, does it make a sound?

A single fact can spoil a good argument.

yo mamas so stupid she got hit by a parked car

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. (And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and…)

Follow your dream! Unless its the one where youre at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses… and sooner or later, youll inhale a bee.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone!

If you dont like my driving, dont call anyone. Just take another road. Thats why the highway department made so many of them. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

When Im feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbors dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

Its always darkest before dawn. So if youre going to steal the neighbors newspaper, thats the time to do it.

A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge is group.

Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

Just remember… You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbors car!

When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers… and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.

This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. Thats the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

Its a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel…its cheaper than plastic surgery.

This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

Love is like a roller coaster: when its good you dont want to get off, and when it isnt… you cant wait to throw up.

Because they have Web feet!