Two Polish truck drivers are barreling along when they come up to an overpass. A sign says, Clearance: 112. So they get out, measure their truck, and realize that its 116.
So the first Polak looks at the second Polak and says, I dont see any cops around….lets go for it!
If a farmer was only able to choose between buying a cow or a tractor, what should he pick. On one hand, he would look funny riding on a cow. On the other hand, he would look funnier trying to milk a tractor
An old Jewish man gets on the subway in New York and sees a priest.
He notices the white collar, and decides to ask what its about.
Why do you wear your collar backwards? The old Jewish man asks.
The Priest, being polite, responds
Well, Sir, because Im a father.
I am a father too, but I wear my collar normal.
Yes, the Priest begins, but I am father of many
The old Jewish man shakes his head. I have 8 children, and so many grandchildren I dont know most their names, and still my collar isnt backwards
The priest, aggitated, slams his fist in his palm Sir! I am the father of hundreds!
The elderly Jewish man, beweildered, stands to get off the subway, and leans over to the priest Mister, maybe you should start wearing your pants backwards.
An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, Father, Im 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.
The priest said: Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession? Never Father, Im Jewish. So then, why are you telling me? Because Im telling everybody!
A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an HMO have all died and are in line together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter speaks with them and asks what good each has done in their life.
Doctor: I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and have had a part in caring for, and healing thousands of poor people.
St. Peter: Thats great. Go ahead in to heaven. And what about you, dear?
Nurse: Ive supported the good doctor and his patients my entire life as an adult.
St. Peter: Wonderful. Please proceed in with the doctor. And what about you?
Health Maintenance Organizaton Director: I was the president of a very large HMO and was responsible for the healthcare of millions of people all over the country.
St. Peter: Oh, I see. Please go in…but you can only stay two nights!
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice Id like to try the bet
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowds laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass!!
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?
The scrawny little man replied I work for the IRS.
Little Johnny got on a bus and sat down next to a man. He noticed that the man had a strange kind of shirt collar, so he asked him, Excuse me, sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?
The man smiled kindly and answered, I wear this collar because I am a father.
Little Johnny thought a second and responded, Sir, I have a father, but he wears his collar the other way around. Why do you wear your collar so differently?
The priest thought for a minute, and said, I am the Father for many.
Little Johnny quickly answered, My father, too, is the father of many. He has four sons, four daughters and many grandchildren. But he wears his collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear yours backwards?
The priest, flustered, said impatiently, I am the Father for hundreds and hundreds of people.
Little Johnny sat silently for a long time. As he got up to leave the bus, he leaned over to the priest and said, Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards.
Sister Margaret was a model nun all of her life, until she was called to get her just rewards. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said Hold on, Sister Margaret…not so fast!
But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath… I have lived for this moment! Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.
That is precisely the problem, replied St. Peter, …you never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong.
Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven! Sister Margaret pleaded.
I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will discuss your situation then. ordered St. Peter.
Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. Saint Peter she gasped, I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up.
Good! replied the old saint, Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me back when you are ready.
Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after taking several belts of Jack Daniels.
Saint Peter, I feel woozy… that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me…it is all I can do to keep it down.
Good…good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong, said St. Peter with delight.
Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense, and then call me.
A week passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message:
Yo, Pete…its Peggy…Its gonna be a while!
There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbors bull and turned it loose in the pasture.
He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished.
Yeah daddy, yeah daddy, said the little boy.
After a while the boy came into the living where his father was talking with some friends.
Say, Pop, said the boy.
Yes, replied his father.
The bull just screwed the brown cow!
There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said Excuse me and took his son outside.
Son, you mustnt use language like that in front of company. You should say The bull surprised the brown cow. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull surprises the white cow.
The father went back inside the house.
After a while the boy came in and said, Hey, Daddy!
Yes, son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?
He sure did, Pop! He screwed the brown cow again!
A college student has just graduated and he wants a new car. So he goes out and gets a new nova ,690 horse power,that says it can do about 320mph. This kid with a new car and all decides to take it for a spin. He takes his bran new nova on the hiway and is doing about 100mph when he sees a stop light in the road. When he comes to a stop he sees an old man on a moped drive up next to him so he rolls down his window.
Very nice nova, can I look inside? asked the old man. In reply the student sais, Sure… no prob. As the light turned green he rolled the window back up and decided to show the old man what his new nova could do. He smoked his tires and held it stedy at 100mph. Dispite this amazing figure, only 10 minutes later the old man comes flying by him with ease. CLANK CLANK ZOOOOOOM. Well the student didnt like the idea of beieng passed by an old man on a moped so puts more pressure on the gas. Now he passes the old man once again and now the spedometer said 200mph. 10 minutes more pass him and so does the old man once again. CLANK CLANK ZOOOOOOOMMMM! In his anger he floors it and passes the old man again this time at top speed (320mph). Given another 10 minutes here comes that dang old man again. CRUNCH CLUNK ZZZOOOOOOOOOOMMM!!!!!! The student gives up and stops next to the old man on the moped , who had also luckly stoped at the light also, and rolls down the window. WHAT THE HELL TYPE OF MOPED IS THAT?!?! screamed the student in defeat. In reply the old man on the moped said, a broken one, and would you mind unhooking my suspender from your door nob?