Good Luck Frog
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron. The man looks around and doesnt see anyone. Again, he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron. He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, Wow, thats amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replys, Ribbit Lucky frog. The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. What do you think frog?, the man asks. Ribbit 3 wood. The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesnt know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,OK where to next?. The frog replies,Ribbit Las Vegas. They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, OK frog, now what? The frog says, Ribbit Roulette. Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks,What do you think I should bet? The frog replies, Ribbit $3000, black 6. Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, gee, I dont know how to repay you. Youve won me all this money and I am forever grateful. The frog replies, Ribbit Kiss Me. He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss,the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year old girl. And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room so help me God.
No experiment is ever a complete failure; it can always be used as a bad example.
Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.
Q: How many real men does it take to open a can of beer?
A: None. A real man has his woman properly trained so that she knows to open the beer before bringing it to him.
I recently noticed a similarity between my wife and M-TV.
They both get turned on about once a month and after about
15 minutes, Ive had enough.
Theres these three guys, best friends since childhood. One of them is dating an absolutely stunning babe, and is always bragging to his buddies about the sex they have. Then one day, for who knows what reason, the guy decides that hes getting tired of the lovely lady, he needs some new thrills in his life, and pulls a complete 180, declaring hes gay.
Damn, his friends say, you know that youre probably going to get AIDS and die!
Hey, Ill take my chances, he says. I just needed some kind of change, and wow, did I find it!
Well, to make a long story short, in a couple years he indeed contracts AIDS, and is told he only has a few months left. As hes lying on his death-bed, he calls his old friends together one last time.
Guys, he gasps, youve got to promise me one last thing.
Sure, say his mates. What can we do for you?
When Im dead and buried, will you make sure I have the nicest tombstone you can find? he asks. And will you make sure somethings written on it that everyone will remember me for?
They promise him, and with one final gasp, he passed away. But remembering their promise, his friends found a beautiful granite stone, and had it engraved:
Ashes To Ashes,
Dust To Dust,
If Youd Stuck To Pussy,
Youd Still Be With Us.
The following story is said to be true:
More than two centuries ago a famous astronomer Charles Messier lived in France. He was a keen comet hunter, he discovered many of them. (The astronomers know Messiers catalogue of nebulous objects which is still used.) He had a competitor (also French) who also discovered a lot of comets.
One night Messier could not go to his observatory as his wife was dying. Two things happened during the night: Messiers competitor managed to discover a new comet and Messiers wife died.
When Messiers friends got to know of the death of Mrs Messier they came to express their sympathy to the astronomer who replied: It is a great loss for me. And imagine that on the top of it my wife is dead.
There were two Indians and a Polish fellow walking along together in the desert. All of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up this hill to the mouth of a cave. He stopped and hollered into the cave… Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo! and then listened very closely until he heard the answer…Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Polish fellow was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was that Indian goofy or something.
No, said the other Indian. It is mating time for us Indians and when you see a cave and holler, Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!, and get an answer back, that means that she is in there waiting for you. Well, just about that time, the other Indian saw another cave. He took off and ran up to the cave, then stopped and hollered, Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo! When he heard the return, Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!, off came the clothes and into the cave he goes.
The Polock started running around the desert looking for a cave to find these women that the Indians had talked about. All of a sudden, he looked up and saw this great big cave. As he looked in amazement, he was thinking, Man! Look at the size of that cave! Its bigger then the ones that those Indians found. There must really be something really great in this cave! Well… he took-off up the hill at a super fast speed with his hopes of ecstasy and grandeur. He got in front of the cave and hollered, Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo! He was just tickled all over when he heard the answering call of, WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOO!!!
Off came his clothes and, with a big smile on his face, he raced into the cave.
The next day, in the newspaper, the head lines read: NAKED POLOCK RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN!!!
Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, Ill bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk.
Bartender: Yeah! Sure…go ahead.
Man: What covers a house?
Dog: Roof!
Man: How does sandpaper feel?
Dog: Rough!
Man: Who was the greatest ball player of all time?
Dog: Ruth!
Man: Pay up. I told you he could talk.
The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, or is the greatest player Mantle?