Old and New Jokes

George Bush is on a sinking boat. Who gets saved? The nation.

Europeans speak worse English than I do
That Eiffel Tower would make one mother of an oil well
Austria looks nothing like it looked on Survivor
The time difference screws up your nap schedule
British beef not only tasty, it gave me a buzz I havent felt since college
The Polish people tell some great Bush is dumb jokes
In France, you dont have to say, French fries, you can just say fries
Due to the metric system, my ten-gallon hat is a whopping 37.84 liters
The Irish drive on the left side of the road, like I used to
One of these countries is where my dad urped on the king

©MMI, CBS Worldwide Inc.

Two good friends are out driving on Route 66 and one guy
has to take a leak. Being in the middle of nowhere they pull over
by some shrubbery and the guy goes to relieve himself.

Suddenly, he screams Aaagh! a rattler bit my cock!
Relax! says his friend, Ill go find a pay phone and call a doctor.

So his friend drives off and finds a pay phone, call a doctor
and asks what he should do. Well, said the doc, you must cut
crosses in the wound and suck out the poison. Is that the only way
Doc? asked the man. Yes, you must do that or hell die.

He finally gets back to friend and his friend asked So, what
did the doctor say?

Youre gonna die, mate. Youre gonna die.

A football coach walked into the locker room before a big game, looked over to his star player and said, Im not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we really need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play.

The player agreed, so the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, – Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this: What is two plus two?

The player thought for a moment and then answered, 4? Did you say 4?! the coach exclaimed, excited that he had given the right answer.

Suddenly, all the other players on the team began screaming, Come on coach, give him another chance!

Girl: Forgive me father for I have sinned.

Priest: What have you done my child?

Girl: I called a man a son of a bitch.

Priest: Why did you call him a son of a bitch?

Girl: Because he touched my hand.

Priest: Like this?

(as he touches her hand) Girl: Yes father.

Priest: Thats no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.

Girl: Then he touched my breast.

Priest: Like this?

(as he touched her breast) Girl: Yes father.

Priest: Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch.

Girl: Then he took off my clothes, father.

Priest: Like this?

(as he takes off her clothes) Girl: Yes father.

Priest: Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch.

Girl: Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where.

Priest: Like this?

(as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!! Priest: (after a few minutes): Thats no reason to call him a son of a bitch.

Girl: But father he had AIDS! Priest: THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!

A poor,old woman sat there on her rocking chair on her porch,reflecting back on her long life. She then spots something on the garden path.She hobbles over to it bends down and groans in pain from a sore back.She picks up the bottle and hobbles back to her rocking chair.She gives the bottle a rub and:

POOF!



A Genie apears and says Thank you for freeing me from the bottle of which I have been trapped for thousands of years!I grant you three wishes.



The Old Woman thought.There was so many things she could wish for!She saysFor my first wish,I wish to be a young and beautiful woman again with my life ahead of me!



The Genie puts a mirror infront of the Old Woman and claps his hands.Suddenly,she watches her body begin to change in the mirror.Her skin tightens and her wrinkles dissapear.Her old figure becomes a new curvy one.Her hair turns from grey to black and lenghthens so it is long.She suddenly feels as if her chest is about to burst out of the top of her dress!She watches as her stomach goes flatter and her legs grow longer.Then the rest of the changes occur.



Hey Presto says the Genie.You are a beautiful young woman!



The young woman stares in the mirror at her new lavashing beauty and youth and saysWow this is really exciting!,I look like Im 24 again!



The Genie saysYour second wish?



The young beauty saysAll my life I have been poor, please,I wish to be the richest person this universe has seen!



The Genie claps his hands and the woman watches as her tiny cottage proceeds to grow into the biggest mansion the world has ever seen.The small garden grows until it is massive with big blooming flowers and fountains and right in the middle of the garden there is a 20ft statue of the woman surrounded by fountains.On a driveway she sees that she has three limos each a chauffuer standing next to each one.She goes inside her mansion with the Genie and sees certificates like how she owns Hollywood and bought Microsoft off of Bill Gates!She looks on a table and sees her bank balance.It comes to a total of 6 billion trillion dollars.She notices servants and butlers buzzing about the house.



Hey Presto!says the Genie.Your are the richest woman this universe!



The young woman sits down on a chair which was hand made by Leonardo Da Vinci.Wow,she saysNow that I am beautiful and rich,i suppose that I will have men that only love me for my money and not for who I am.



Just then the womans cat wanders into the room.This cat has been my lifelong friend.For my third wish,I wish that this cat turn into the most handsome young man on Earth who loves me to bitsfor what I am.



The Genie claps his hands and dissapears.



Suddenly the old cat turns into the most handsome man on the planet.He has jet black hair and a athletic body with rippling muscles.The woman stares at him, smitten.He walks over to her and her legs go weak.He rubs his hand along her body and stokes her hair.Then he whispers into her earI bet your sory now for taking me to the vet and having my d**k cut off!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Thea!
Thea who?
Thea later, alligator!

By the time you have the right answers, no one is asking you questions.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

A man and his wife went to the company Christmas party where the man has a little too much to drink.



He staggers down the stairs, completely hung over, and makes his way to the breakfast bar. His wife poors him a cup of coffee.



With his head in his hand, he asks Damn, honey. What happened last night?



She replies, It wasnt a pretty sight.



He asks, What do you mean?



Well she replies, You were not on your best behavior and your boss was extremely upset.



He was, he moans.



Yes she replies, He sure was.



Aahhh, PISS ON HIM! he says.



You did, she replies. Honey, You got fired last night.



I got fired? he questions.



Yes she answers You got fired



Aahhh, FUCK HIM! he says.



She replies, I did, you start back Monday morning!