Old and New Jokes

Q. What do you call 20 lesbians in a closet?

A. A licker cabnet.

One day Little Red Riding Hood decided to go to Grandmothers house when she was stopped by her mother, heading out the door.

Her mom says, Red, you better be careful out there, the Big Bad Wolf might find you, and hell flip up your little red dress, pull down your little red pantys, and bang your little red socks off.



Red smiles Dont worry mom, ill be alright.





She dosent get within a mile to her grandmas house, and suddenly stopped, by the rabbit.



The rabbit says, Red, watch out, the wolfs after you, and hell flip up your little red dress, pull down your little red pantys, and bang your little red socks off.



Red smiles and says Dont worry rabbit, ill be careful.





A little closer to grandmas house until she was stopped again, this time, the squirrel pops out of the bushes and runs out of breath to her.



He says Red, you better run, the wolf is near, and hell pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red pantys and bang your little red socks off.



Red becomes angry, and says Dont worry, ill be fine.





Red stops for a second to cool off, and looks over her left shoulder to find the wolf starring at her. He walks over to her and says, Red, i warned you, ive got you where i want you, and now im going to flip up your little red dress, pull down your little red pantys and bang your little red socks off.



So he throws her on the ground and flips up her little red dress and pauses. He looks up to find Red with a gun in her hand.



She points it directly at his head and says No wolf, your going to eat me like the book says.

Children are natural mimics. They act like their parents in spite of
every attempt to teach them good manners.

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as shes embarrassed and doesnt want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!

Dont worry, he says, I didnt tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself.

The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself.

Who is the third rose from? she asked

Oh, says the doctor, that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit…

He wanted to thank you for his new ears!

In the morning I pour coffee in my travel mug and drink about half of it on my way to work. In the afternoon it is still piping hot. Aint summertime great.

I dont worry about Bill Clinton any more, but those 47 million people who voted for him in 1996 scare me. Theyll still be around long after Bill is gone.

A gentleman always remembers a ladys birthday, but never her age.

I hope no one else famous dies for a few months. I dont think we can take much more of this.

I did not go to Woodstock 69, but I wish I had. I did not go to Woodstock 99 and I am glad I didnt.

Take it from me, I work at a Waffle House, and, Yes, there are many hungry drunks after midnight.

Theyve already spent millions looking for Eric Rudolph, so why wouldnt the FBI just fork out another $39.95 to that company that guarantees it can find anyone in the U.S.?

My weight control specialist got offended when I told him he was the best fat doctor in the city.

Ill never trust a beauty shop that has no mirrors.

Maybe if I could talk to Eleanor Roosevelts ghost, I could be as smart as Hillary.

Source: The Vent column

The three wise men went to visit Jesus right after he was born. One wise man was extremely tall. He hit his head on the top of the door frame and said, Jesus Christ! Joseph looked at Mary and said Write that down — thats better than Clyde!

Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves. They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother."Well," said the first one, "I bought Mom a huge house in Beverly Hills.""I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her.""Ive got you both beat," said the third. "I bought her a miraculous parrot that can recite any Bible verse you tell it to."A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons. "Gerald — the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, but I have to clean the entire house. Milton — the car is useless because I dont go anywhere because Im too old. But Robert — you know exactly what I like. The chicken was delicious."

Three vampires walk into a bar in Transylvania and sit on the stools. The bartender looks at the first and, in a thick Transylvanian accent, says, May I halp you?

The first responds with, I would like … a blood.

The bartender turns to the second and says, May I help you?

The second thinks for a short time and says, I would like … a blood.

The bartender goes over to the third and, once again, says, May I help you?

The third looks at him and says, I would like … a plasma.

The bartender looks over his shoulder and says to his partner, Give me two bloods and a blood light.

What do you get when you put two blondes in the freezer?

Frosted flakes.

2 aliens was sitting In a bar.Then the one whent shabagoemdallada and the uther one goes shut up BOB your drunk!!