A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. Theres no way they can catch a Mercedes, he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100…. Then the reality of the situation hit him. What am I doing? he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. Its been a long day, this is the end of my shift and its Friday the 13th. I dont feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I havent heard before, you can go.
The guy thinks for a second and says, Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!
Have a nice weekend, said the officer.
One night a guy walked into a bar and sat down next to this guy. He looks over and sees that he has a little piano player playing beautiful music! He asks where did you get that? The other guy replies See that guy at the end of the bar? Hes a geinie, and hell grant you a wish! So the guy calls over to the geinie for a thousand bucks. POOF! All of a sudden a thousand DUCKS flew into the bar. So the guy says to the other guy with the little piano player I think he has a hearing problem The guy exclaimed Do you think I asked for a 12-inch PIANIST?!?
Speak softly and own a big, mean doberman.
If I your opinion, Ill ask you to fill out the necessary form.
How do you circumsize a redneck?
Kick his sister in the jaw.
Hindsight shows you how a mistake looks from the rear.
A Yuppie was standing at the country club bar with a tennis ball stuffed into the pocket of his shorts.
A lil Yuppette next to him tapped him on the arm and pointed to the bulge and asked, Whats that?
Tennis ball. he replied.
Ohhh … ouch! the Yuppette responded grimacing. I know how that must hurt. Ive had tennis elbow before myself.
The following is a letter sent to Miller Brewing Company. Millers response is at the end.
Miller Brewing Company
Milwaukee, Wisconsin 53201
Dear Sir or Madam,
I have been a drinker of Miller beers for many years (actually, ever since that other company donated a big chunk of change to Handgun Control Inc. back in the mid 80s).
Initially, my beer of choice was Lite, but some time in mid 1990 while in Honduras, I switched to MGD smuggled up from Panama. Now, for nearly six years, I have been a faithful drinker of MGD.
For these past years, I have come to expect certain things from Genuine Draft. I expect that whenever I see that gold can of MGD, I am about ready to enjoy a great, smooth brew.
But wait! Sometime around the first of the year, my beloved MGD changed colors, so to speak. That familiar gold can was no longer gold! Knowing that I am, by nature, somewhat resistant to change, I
forced myself to reserve judgment on the new can design.
Gradually, I grew to appreciate the new label (until about May of this year). That was when I discovered (empirically) that I really didnt like the new design. Further investigation of the cause of my distress resulted in the following observations:
1. Your cans are made of aluminum.
2. Aluminum is a great conductor of energy.
3. Your beer is commonly consumed outside, and thus, the container may be exposed to sunlight.
4. Sunlight striking the can causes radiant warming of the surface of the can.
5. The resultant heat (energy) is transferred through the aluminum, by conduction, to the contents of the can (the beer).
6. Warm beer sucks.
This is a process that can be observed in just about any beer. However, this process is significantly accelerated in MGD because you painted the damn can black!!!
Who was the rocket scientist that designed the new graphics for the can and implemented the change right before summer? Granted, this process may not be real evident up there in Wisconsin, but down here in Texas where the summers are both sunny and hot, this effect is quite a problem. Theres no telling what the folks in Oklahoma and Arizona are having to put up with.
Knowing that you would probably not address this issue unless you had firm evidence of a problem, I and several other subjects conducted extensive experimentation. The results of these experiments are listed below.
The experiments were conducted over two days on the deck next to my pool. The study included seven different types of beer (leftovers from a party the previous weekend) that were initially chilled to 38 (and then left exposed to sunlight for different lengths of time. These beers were sampled by the test subjects at different intervals. The subjects, all normally MGD drinkers, were asked at each sampling interval their impressions of the different beers. The length of time between the initial exposure to sunlight and the point where the subject determined the sample undrinkable (The *Suckpoint*) was determined. The average ambient temperature for the trials was 95 degrees F.
Beer Type Average *Suckpoint* (min)
——— ————————-
Miller Lite (white can) 6.2
Bud (white can) 5.5
Bud Lite (silver can) 5.2
Ice House (blue and silver can) 4.4
Coors Lite (silver can) 4.1
Miller Genuine Draft (black can) 2.8
Coors (gold can) 0.1
It was evident that the color of the can directly correlates to the average suckpoint, except for Coors which was pretty much determined to suck at any point.
It is to be hoped that you will consider re-designing your MGD cans. All beer drinkers that are not smart enough to keep their beer in the shade will thank you.
Sincerely,
Bradley Lee
Beer-drinker
—————–
Dear Bradley Lee,
Thank you for your letter and your concern about the MGD can color as it relates to premature warming of the contents. Like you, we at Miller Beer take beer drinking very seriously. To that end, we have taken your letter and subsequent experiment under serious consideration.
Outlined below are our findings and solution to your problem. May we add that we have had similar letters from other loyal beer drinkers, mostly from the Southern United States.
First, let us congratulate you on your findings. Our analysis tends to agree with yours regarding Coors. It certainly does suck at about any temperature.
Now, it was our intention when redesigning the MGD can to create better brand identity and brand loyalty. Someone in marketing did some kind of research and determined we needed to redesign the can. You will be pleased to know, we have fired that idiot and he is now wreaking havoc at a pro-gun control beer manufacturer. The design staffer working in cahoots with the marketing idiot was also down-sized.
However, once we realized this mistake, to undo it would have been even a bigger mistake. So, we took some other actions. From our market research, we found a difference between Northern beer drinkers and Southern beer drinkers.
Beer drinkers in the South tend to drink slower than beer drinkers in the North. We are still researching why that is. Anyway, at Miller Beer, it was never our intentions to have someone take more than 2.5 minutes to enjoy one of our beers. We pride ourselves in creating fine, smooth, quick-drinking beers and leave the making of sissy, slow-sipping beers to that Sam guy in Boston.
However, it is good to know that you feel our Miller Lite can last as long as 6 minutes. However, may we suggest in the future you try consuming at least two in that time frame.
From your letter, we had our design staff work round the clock to come up with a solution that would help not just MGD but all our fine Miller products. We hope you have recently noticed our solution to your problem. We found that the hole in the top of the can was not big enough for quick consumption. So, we have now introduced the new Wide Mouth cans. We hope this will solve all your problems. Might I also suggest that if you want to get the beer out of the can even faster, you can poke a hole on the side near the bottom, hold your finger over it, open the can, tip it to your mouth and then pull your finger off the hole. This is a common way to drink beer at parties
and impress your friends. This technique is known as shot-gunning.
You should like the name.
Again, thank you for your letter and bringing to our attention that here might be other beer drinkers taking more that 2.5 minutes to drink our beers. Let me assure you that I am haveing our advertising department work on campaign to solve this problem, too.
Sincerely,
Tom B. Miller
Public Relations
Miller Brewing Co.
P.S. And remember, at Miller Beer we do favor gun control, too. So please use two hands when firing.
#include
#include
#include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include /* For the court of law */
#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version
void main()
{
if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}
while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=ripe;
say(It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
vapourware=TRUE;
break;
}
}
switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{
case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
say(It will be ready in, today+30_days, were just testing);
break;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
say(Yes it will work);
ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
pretend(there_is_no_problem);
break;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say(It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to
the 32 bits architecture);
inform(INTEL, Pentium sales will rise skyhigh);
inform(SAMSUNG, Start a new memorychip plant
cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs);
inform(QUANTUM, Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple);
get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
break;
case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
say(Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
everyone);
register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
when(time_is_ripe)
{
arrest(journalist);
brainwash(journalist);
when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
{
order(journalist, write a nice objective article);
release (journalist);
}
}
break;
}
while (vapourware)
{
introduction_date++; /* Delay */
if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
break;
say(It will be ready in,today+ONE_MONTH);
}
release(beta_version)
while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
{
bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
introduce(more_memory_requirements);
if (customers_report_installation_problems)
{
say(that is a hardware problem, not a software problem);
if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
{
ignore(customer);
order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, Keep an eye on this
bastard);
}
}
if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
{
divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);
wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
if (boobies_start_to_hang)
dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
}
if (there_is_another_company)
{
steal(their_ideas);
accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
buy_out(other_company);
}
}
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at
us */
order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone,
for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
}
void bugfix(void)
{
charge (a_lot_of_money)
if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
say(It is not a bugfix but a new version);
if (still_complaints)
{
ignore(customer);
register(customer, big_Bill_book);
/* Well get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
}
}
Axiom (n)
A self-evident or universally recognized truth; a maxim
The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
Nothing improves with age.
No matter how many times youve had it, if its offered take it, because itll never be quite the same again.
Sex has no calories.
Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
Sex appeal is 50% what youve got and 50% what people think youve got.
No sex with anyone in the same office.
Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
Virginity can be cured.
When a mans wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she cant stand years later.
Sex is dirty only if its done right.
It is always the wrong time of month.
The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you wont either.
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night — then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
The younger the better.
The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
Before you find your handsome prince, youve got to kiss a lot of frogs.
There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
Love your neighbor, but dont get caught.
Love is a hole in the heart.
If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
Do it only with the best.
Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Thou shalt not commit adultery … unless in the mood.
Never lie down with a woman whos got more troubles than you.
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
Never argue with a women when shes tired — or rested.
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldnt.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
Never say no.
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesnt love her.
Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
Love comes in spurts.
The world does not revolve on an axis.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
Dont do it if you cant keep it up.
There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
This wont hurt, I promise.