Old and New Jokes

What can a girl put behind her ears to make her sexy?

Her knees.

Una chica inocente va caminando con su novio cuando, de pronto, observa a un burro que tenía una tremenda erección.

Al ver esto, la joven lanza un grito, empuja al novio y huye. El novio la persigue y cuando la atrapa le dice: Amor, ¿qué pasa? Es sólo un burro.

¡Si así lo tiene él que es un burro ¿cómo lo tendrás tú que eres ingeniero?!, responde la ingenua rechazándolo de nuevo.

Un tontilandés le dice a otro:

¡Pues, hombre, que me he comprado un aparatico para ver videos!

¡Pero, coño, amigo, de dónde has sacado el dinero si no tienes ni para comer!

¡Pues he vendido el televisor! ¿No soy inteligentísimo?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Vassar girl!
Vassar girl who?
Vassar girl like you doing in a place like this?

It is often cited that there are half as many divorces as marriages in the US, so one concludes that average marriages have a 50% chance of ending by divorce. While I was a graduate student, among my peers there were twice as many divorces as marriages, leading us to conclude that average marriages would end twice…

How do you drown a Haitian?

Give him a shoebox and tell him it floats.

Viagra. The quicker dicker upper

One-a-day, like iron

Get a piece of the rock

Youve come a long way, baby

Viagra, it plumps when you take em

Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman

Tastes great, more filling

Viagra, built ram tough
2. Heres the beef!

And, the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:

Just do her.

Aries:
Just one. You want to make something of it?Taurus:
One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.Gemini:
Two, but the job never gets done — they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how its supposed to be done.Cancer:
Just one. But it takes a therapist three years
to help them through the grief process.Leo:
Leos dont change light bulbs, although sometimes
their agent will get a Virgo to do the job for them
while theyre out.Virgo:
Approximately 1.0000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.Libra:
Er, two. Or maybe one. No – on second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you?Scorpio:
That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.Sagittarius:
The sun is shining, the day is young and weve got our whole lives ahead of us, and youre inside worrying about a stupid light bulb?Capricorn:
I dont waste my time with these childish jokes.Aquarius:
Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so…Pisces:
Light bulb? What light bulb?

What lives forever, and if you eat it, YOU DIE?





Answer: Nothing! Nothing lives forever and if you eat nothing, you Die!

Miriam, an elderly lady, goes up to a man at a bus stop in Finchley in north west London.

She tugs on the sleeve of his coat and asks, Farshtayn Yiddish? The man answers, Yes, Ich Farshtay.

Miriam then says, Vot Time is It?