This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes.He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said….FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
When is a door not a door?
When it is ajar.
How do you keep a idiot occupied?
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(he-he)(woo-hoo!) (yee-haa!)
Im pink, therefore Im SPAM.
I poke badgers with spoons.
Be alert. The world needs more lerts.
Keep on working, millions on welfare depend on you!
Veni, Vidi, VD. I came, I saw, I cankered.
I didnt climb to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian!
Alcohol and calculus dont mix. DONT DRINK AND DERIVE!
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me.
Thats not a haircut, its a cry for help.
If God is within, I hope he likes enchiladas!
So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.
Want a little taste of religion? Bite the minister.
I didnt believe in reincarnation in my last life, either!
Excess is never too much in moderation.
My mind is like a steel trap. Rusty and illegal in most states.
To err is human, to moo bovine.
Think globally, Act galactically.
My wife says I should get up and go to work, but the voices in my head say I should stay home and clean my guns.
If its not one thing, its your mother.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least its the scenic route.
Dont believe everything you think.
Help your local Search & Rescue. Get lost!
Carpe Diem = Seize the day. Carp In Denim = Fish in pants.
Life is short. So buy the shoes!
Never believe generalizations.
The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance.
I dont think, therefore I am not.
Jesus saves. He uses double coupons.
Veni, Vidi, Velcro. I came, I saw, I got stuck.
Avoid alliterations always.
Dyslexics are teople poo.
Say NO to drugs. That will bring the prices down.
What would Ashton do?
Jesus loves you. But Im his favorite.
An Apple a day keeps Windows away.
This bumper sticker intentionally left blank.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.
What would Gandalf do?
Of all the things Ive lost, I miss my mind the most.
Double your drive space. Delete Windows.
Does anal retentive have a hyphen?
If it aint broke, take it apart and fix it.
Resistance is futile (if < 1 ohm). My mother was a moonshiner, and I love her still. MOP AND GLO – The floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team. Im Canadian. Its like being American, but without the gun. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they wont bother you for weeks. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson. The control key on the keyboard does not work. The meek shall inherit the earth, after were through with it. Being over the hill is much better than being under it! Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up. Nuke the Whales! Well hunt them at night. Jesus loves you! Everybody else thinks youre a jerk. Lawyers have feelings too (allegedly). If there is no God, who always pops up that next Kleenex? Too much Pluribus, not enough Unum. Forget world peace; visualize using your turn signal. What wouldnt Jesus do? If you believe in telepathy, think about honking. People like you are the reason people like me need medication. Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking. The box said Windows 2000 or better. So I installed Linux. Use the best: Linux for servers, Mac for graphics, Windows for Solitaire. I found Jesus – he was behind the sofa all the time. So many cats, so few recipes. Save the trees, wipe your butt with an owl. Dont make me mad. Im running out of places to hide the bodies. Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors. Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil. On the journey of life, I choose the psycho path. On your mark, get set, go away! What would Scooby do? The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But its still on the list. Lets skip the insults and get right down to your butt kicking! I dont have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs. I am not infantile, you stinky poopyhead. If you can read this, youre not the president. To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential. Liberal Arts major: will think for food. Visualize Whirled Peas If you can read this, Ive lost the trailer! Stoplights timed for 30 mph are also timed for 60 mph. I didnt climb all the way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. Dont treat me any differently than you would the Queen. Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment. What we need is a patch for stupidity! Follow that car, Godzilla – and step on it! Frankly, Scallop, I dont give a clam. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up! I fought the lawn, and the lawn won. If you cant read this, thank the teachers union. Procrastinate now. The last time politics and religion were mixed, people were burned at the stake. Rehab is for quitters. My dog can lick anyone! I have a degree in Liberal Arts – do you want fries with that? Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and name streets after them. Do they ever shut up on your planet? If you were born again, would you have two bellybuttons? All men are idiots, and I married their King. West Virginia: One million people, and 15 last names. Im out Of Estrogen and Ive got a gun! A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. Who are these children, and why do they keep calling me Mom? The trouble with life is theres no background music. Mop and Glo – The floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team. NyQuil – The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine. Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose. Gravity: Its not just a good idea. Its the law. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? You – Off my planet. If you are what you eat, Im fast, cheap and easy. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be…? Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear. Im not crazy, Ive just been in a very bad mood for 30 years. Allow me to introduce my selves. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. Im trying to imagine you with a personality. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you werent asleep. I cant remember if Im the good twin or the evil one. Theres no place like 127.0.0.1 I just want revenge. Is that so wrong? You say Im a bitch like its a bad thing. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? Chaos, panic, and disorder – my work here is done. Earth is full. Go home. Is it time for your medication or mine? Nyquil: the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine. How do I set a laser printer to stun? Getting on your feet means getting off your butt. Im not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen. First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, closed. In dog years, Im dead! South Koreas got Seoul! Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener. The trouble with the gene pool is that theres no lifeguard. God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends. IRS: Be Audit You Can Be My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips. Senior Citizen: Give me my damn discount! (Spotted on a passing motorcycle): If you can read this, my wife fell off! I used to be schizophrenic, but were OK now. Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship. Im going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes. Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well. A day without sunshine is like night. First things first, but not necessarily in that order. Old age comes at a bad time. If going to church makes you a Christian, does going into a garage make you a car? In America, anyone can be president. Thats one of the risks you take. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. Youre just jealous because the voices only talk to ME. Beer: Its not just for breakfast anymore. So youre a feminist. Isnt that cute? I need someone real bad. Are you real bad? Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. The more you complain the longer God makes you live. I R S: Weve got what it takes to take what youve got. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. Reality is a crutch for people who cant handle drugs. Out of my mind – back in five minutes. Without ME, its just AWESO. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. Life would be easier if I had the source code. Hang up and drive. Nebraska: At least the cows are sane. God must love stupid people. He made SO many. I said no to drugs, but they didnt listen. Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOURE still an idiot. I fish, therefore I lie. Smile, its the second best thing you can do with your lips. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. Where theres a will, I want to be in it. If catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults. Its lonely at the top, but you eat better. Dont drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art. Honk If you want to see my finger. God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier. I dont have a license to kill. I have a learners permit. Keep honking while I reload. Taxation WITH representation isnt so hot, either! Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. EARTH FIRST! Well strip-mine the other planets later. If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you. Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes. Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings. Jack Kevorkian for White House physician. My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her (or something like that). Constipation causes people not to give a crap. Sure you can trust the government! Just ask a native American! Alcohol and calculus dont mix. Never drink and derive. Stop repeat offenders. Dont re-elect them! Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I did a little shopping. What if the hokey pokey is really what its all about? If at first you dont succeed, call it version 1.0! Driver carries no cash. Hes married. All I ask is the chance to prove that money cant make me happy. Karaoke bars combine two of the nations greatest evils — people who shouldnt drink with people who shouldnt sing. If I get you advantage, can I take drunk of you? Watch out for the idiot behind me. I drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol! So youre kids no honor student. Society needs laborers. Honk if you hate peace and quiet. I have the body of a god. Buddha. In case of rapture, can I have your car? Never miss a good opportunity to shut up. I doubt, therefore I might be. Your stupid! When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl. There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who dont. Don’t bother honking or flashing your lights, Im deaf and blind. Honk if youve never seen a gun fired from a moving vehicle. Time is natures way of keeping everything from happening all at once. If it isnt broken, fix it until it is. Thank God Im an atheist. Never knock on Deaths door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that. Some days its just not worth gnawing through the leather straps. Its lonely at the top, but you eat better. New Mexico: Cleaner than regular Mexico. Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. If youre not part of the solution, youre part of the precipitate. If youre happy and you know it see a shrink. Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter. Worry. God knows all about you. I drive the speed limit. If you dont like it, call a cop! Vote Democrat — its easier than working! Vote Republican — its easier than thinking! Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button. Squirrels: Natures speed bumps. Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
Why do women wear white on their wedding day? All major kitchen appliances come in white.
La mujer se pone un vaporoso negligé y trata de excitar al hombre que está en la cama leyendo el Newsweek.
Nada.
La fémina se quita la bata para mostrar lo que hay debajo. El esposo sigue leyendo su revista. Con un ligero retintÃn en la voz, la esposa le pregunta:
¿Qué ha traÃdo la revista de interesante?
Un artÃculo donde dicen que cientÃficos de la Universidad de Tokio han logrado probar que tener relaciones sexuales prolonga la vida.
Acto seguido, el tipo coloca la revista en la mesita de noche y apaga la luz.
Hasta mañana, amorcito, dice.
Hasta mañana… ¡SUICIDA!
Una maestra les pide a sus alumnos que hagan un pequeño trabajo acerca del higiene.
Luego, por lista, comienza a revisarlos:
A ver Carlitos, ¿que escribiste?
Es importante lavarse las manos antes de cada comida.
Bien Carlitos, a ver tu Susanita.
Hay que lavarse los dientes por lo menos 3 veces al dÃa.
Correcto, Susanita. ¿Y tu, Pepito?
Maestra yo hice una composición acerca de la higiene.
Muy bien, dila a la clase.
Sobre una mesa hay una mosca en bata, al rato llegan 15 moscas en bata, mas al rato hay 100 moscas en bata sobre la mesa, mas tarde hay 1000 moscas en bata sobre la mesa…
Un momento pepito ¿y eso que tiene que ver con la higiene???
Mucho maestra, no ve que mi composcicion se llama Combata las Moscas.
Ole and Lenas bull took sick and died, so they needed to go to the auction to buy a new one. Ole had to get the crops in and couldnt leave the farm, so Lena took the train to the city to buy a bull. If she was successful, she would take the train back to the farm, then she and Ole would go to town with the truck to pick up their newly purchased bull.
The bidding was furious at the livestock auction, and Lena found herself bidding on the last remaining bull. It took everything she had but ten cents, but she was finally the successful bidder.
Unfortunately, the train home was fifty cents. Please, Mr. Conductor, couldnt you make an exception just once? pleaded Lena. Sorry lady, he replied, but you can send your husband a telegram to tell him your problem. The office is just down the street.
At the Telegraph office, Lena asked, Mister, how many vords can I send to my husband for a dime? Its ten cents a word, the clerk answered. Lena pondered her dilemma, then finally said, OK, heres da message: COMFORTABLE.
Q: What does the zero say to the the eight?
A: Nice belt!
Why do they call it a TV set when theres only one?