Old and New Jokes

Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons.

Ill make you a deal. Ill open this alligators mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. Hell then open his mouth and Ill remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.



The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligators open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genital, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.



Ill pay anyone $100 whos willing to give it a try.



A hush fell over the crowd.



After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up, Ill try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.

First Law of Procrastination: Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed the deadline).

Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someones answering machine?

Hi, Its a great day and Im out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is Share the love.

Beep.

Uh, yeah … This is the VD clinic calling … Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love!

One Sunday afternoon, a drunk stumbles into a baptismal service down by the river. He staggers into the water and stands next to the minister, who turns, notices the old drunk and says, Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?

The drunk looks back and says, Yes sir, I am.

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. Have you found Jesus? the minister asks.

No, I didnt! says the drunk.

The minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, Now, brother, have you found Jesus?

No, I did not! says the drunk again.

Disgusted, the minister holds the man under for at least thirty seconds this time, brings him up and demands, For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!

The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, Are you sure this is where he fell in?

There was this little boy about 10 years old walking down the sidewalk
dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a
house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it,
she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, I want to
have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and Im not
leaving until I do.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she
told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, Do any of the girls have any diseases?

Of course, the Madam said no.

He said, I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after
making it with Amber. THATS the girl I want!

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the
Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the
hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam,
and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, Why did you
pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the
others?

He said, Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents
are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my
baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me
because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get
the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take
the baby-sitter home. On the way, hell jump the baby-sitters bones,
and hell catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed
and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to
work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and
catch the disease, and HES the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!

Republican boys always expect to grow up and marry Republican girls and please their parents. But they always date Democratic girls because they think theyre entitled to a little fun first.

Democrats step on bugs.

Republicans call an exterminator.

Democrats eat the big fish they catch.

Republicans have them mounted.

Democrats sit on the dock and fish,

Republicans expect to have someone else drive the boat.

Democrats make a lot of plans, but dont do much with them.

Republicans are still following the plans their grandfathers made.

The young Ensign approached the crusty old Chief and asked him about the origin of the commissioned office insignias.

Well, Ensign, its history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that youre valuable BUT malleable. The silver bar of a Lieutenant Junior Grade represents value, but less malleable. When you make Lieutenant, youre twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars.

As a Captain, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As an Admiral, youre obviously a star. That answer your question?

Yeah, but what about Commanders and Lieutenant Commanders?

Now that goes waaaaaay back in history. Back to the Garden of Eden even. You see, weve always covered our pricks with leaves …

Things Not To Do While Waiting For Your Date At Her Parents House

10. Sniff the air and say it smells like a bordello.

9. Repeatedly zip and unzip your fly.

8. Go into a lengthy story about how you had Mexican food last night and ask if you can use the bathroom.

7. Mention that Mr Happy is primed and ready.

6. Ask what time you should return your date tomorrow morning.

5. Recite a couple of bawdy limericks.

4. Ask the mom and dad what position they were in when they conceived their daughter.

3. Scratch your crotch and say your herpes is acting up again.

2. Pretend to eat your arm.

1. Ask the dad if you can borrow a couple of condoms.

• Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

• Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses.

• Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPNs homepage to your bookmarks.

• You have a to do list that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.

• You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.

• Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.

• You consider 2nd day Air Delivery and Inter-office Mail painfully slow.

• You assume any question about whether to valet park or not is rhetorical.

• You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet. (you actually dine standing over the kitchen sink or lounging on the sofa.)

• Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

• Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products dont even exist anymore.

• You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.

• You get all excited when its Saturday so you can wear sweats to work.

• You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.

• You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

• You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.

• You think that progressing an action plan and calendarizing a project are acceptable English phrases.

• You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door neighbors.

• You ask your friends to think out of the box when making Friday night plans.

• You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.

• You think a half-day means leaving at 5 oclock.