Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so fat she put on some BVDs and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.

There was a guy in a bar and he asked the bartender for a beer. He chugged it, looked into his pocket, asked for another beer. Which he chugged, then looked into his pocket, and asked for another beer. This went on for a while then the bartender finally asked, How come you ask for a beer, chug it, then look in your pocket? The man said, because there is a picture of my wife in my pocket and Im gonna keep drinking till she looks good enough to go home.

OK, so theres this blonde driving down the road in her brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 Lamborghini. Shes cruisin about 95, radio blaring, having a great time. She comes up on this trucker who is carrying a double-wide home and is taking up both lanes. To her disliking, he is only going about 45. To get the point across that she wants to get past, she decides to tailgate him. So, she gets to within a foot of his rear bumper. The trucker looks back and sees her on his ass, and motions for her to get off of it, but to her it looks like a wave and she waves back. Since her first attempt was futile, she decided to get a little closer and begin flashing her headlights, hopefully making herself more visible in the process. Once again the trucker sees her on his ass, and this time motions for her to pull over to the side of the road.



The trucker steps out of his vehicle with a chunk of chalk and draws a circle three feet in diameter in the middle of the road. He instructs her not to move until he tells her to. Naive as she was, she agrees to it and steps inside it.



The trucker goes back to his truck and pulls out a 50-ounce Louisville Slugger. He walks over to the Lamborghini and beats it, and beats it, and beats it again. When he is done, all that is left is a brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 pile of metal. Satisfied, he throws the bat in his truck and walks over to the blonde. When he gets there, to his astonishment, she is rolling around on the street laughing hysterically. He asks her, Why are you laughing? I just beat the crap out of your car!! She is laughing too hard to respond, but between giggles he can make out, While you werent looking I stepped out of the circle!

Wink, Ill do the rest!

Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?

A: Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?

Irving can?t seem to find the right girl, so his mother hires a matchmaker. The matchmaker tells him, ?I think I have the perfect girl for you. She?s descended from royalty, she?s a multi-millionaire, she has a Ph.D. in quantum mechanics, she?s a beauty contest winner, an Olympic athlete, and a world-class cook. She?s got a villa in Spain and a fleet of yachts. She?s also got the nicest personality of anyone you?ve ever met. But there?s one problem: she?s not Jewish.?


Irving says, ?My mother will never go for it.? The matchmaker says, ?Leave it to me.?


And so she starts going to work on the mother. At first, the mother says ?Absolutely not.? She refuses even to hear of it, and throws the matchmaker out of the house. Over many weeks, however, the matchmaker wears down her resistance. The matchmaker points out all the advantages that the match has for her son, and how unlikely it is that he will ever get another such opportunity. The matchmaker also points out, ?Look, Mrs. Mandelbaum, I don?t mean to speak out of turn, but your boy Irving isn?t getting any younger. To tell you the truth, he?s not so good looking, he doesn?t have a good job, he?s out of shape, he?s scrawny, he?s short, he?s not too bright, he?s still living with his mother, and he?s not exactly irresistible. Let me tell you, this is the best we?re going to get. It may be your son?s last chance. Are you really going to stand in the way of your son?s happiness??


The son chimes in too: ?Look, Ma, I?ve tried and I?ve tried, and I?ve gotten nowhere. This is the only chance I have. I don?t want to be a lonely old man. Please let me do it!?


Tearfully, the mother finally gives in and agrees to the match.


The matchmaker claps her hands together and says, ?Great! Now half my work is done!?

Here are a couple of my favorite examples of gullible people (true stories).

Back in the days of the Mattel Cabbage Patch Kid craze it was usually
very hard to get one for the kiddies. A radio station (I dont know where)
announced that Mattel was going to get Cabbage Patch Kids out to the people
of this particular city. The plan was that they had to go to the football
field of the local university and wait. An airplane would fly overhead and
the dolls would be dropped onto the field. People were supposed to hold
their credit cards up so that a photographer with a telephoto lens in the
airplane could get the credit card numbers and charge the price of the
dolls to the recipients accounts.

People actually showed up, waving American Express cards in the breeze.

Another radio station prank took place on April Fools Day. They
announced that the phone company would be cleaning the dirt out of the
phone lines that afternoon. They do this, it seems, by blowing air into the
wires in the switching station. The problem is that the dirt comes out of
the earpiece and mouthpiece of the telephone, and could dirty the rugs or
furniture in your house. Consequently, the phone company asks that the good
citizens please get plastic baggies and put them over the handsets of the
telephones to protect their belongings.

Stores reported a run on plastic bags, and the phone company made the
radio station retract the original claim.

Ive always felt that the retraction should have been handled this way:
The phone company would like us to tell you that our earlier message
concerning the blowing of dirt out of the phone lines was incorrect. The
phone company does not, repeat NOT, blow into the telephone wires to clean
out the dirt. Anybody with any understanding of the way the system operates
would know that they suck the dirt out.

Alas, the retraction was serious and factual. Whats this world coming
to anyway?

Q: What did King Tut say to the museum?

A: I want my mummy!

This is a story of four people called Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was some important work that had to be done, and Everybody was sure that
Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody
got angry because of this, since it was Everybodys job. Everybody thought
Anybody could do it, but Nobody understood that Everybody wouldnt do it. It
ended with Everybody blaming Somebody as Nobody did what Anybody could have
done.

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.

Im on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me.

Psychiatrist: Dont you have a phone in your car?

Blonde: That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car.

Psychiatrist: Uh … Hows that working?

Blonde: Actually, I havent gotten any letters yet.

Psychiatrist: And why do you think that is?

Blonde: I figure its because when Im driving around, my zip code keeps changing.

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The following sign was posted at a fast food restaurant owned by two blondes:

Parking for drive-through customers only!

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