Old and New Jokes

Manolo le dice a Venancio:

¡Qué grande este Henry Ford: amasó fortunas vendiendo autos!

Su amigo le contesta:

Más grande fue su hermano Roque, que se hizo rico vendiendo quesos.

Benign – What you be, after you be eight.

Artery – The study of paintings

Bacteria – Back door to cafeteria

Barium – what doctors do when patients die

Cesarean section – a neighborhood in Rome

Cat scan – searching for kitty

Cauterize – made eye contact with her

Colic – a sheep dog

coma- a punctuation mark

D & C – Where Washington is

Dilate – to live long

Enema – Not a friend

Fester – quicker than someone else

Fibula – a small lie

Genital – a non-Jewish person

GI series – world series of military baseball

Hangnail – what you hang your coat on

Impotent – distinguished, well-known

Labor pain – getting hurt at work

medical staff – a doctors cane

Morbid – a higher offer

Nitrates – cheaper than day rates

Node – I knew it

Outpatient – a person who has fainted

Pap Smear – A fatherhood test

Pelvis – second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative – a letter carrier

Recovery room – place to do upholstery

Rectum – darn near killed him

Secretion – hiding something

Seizure – a Roman emperor

Tablet – a small table

Terminal Illness – getting sick at the airport

Tumor – one plus one more

Urine – opposite of youre out

Varicose – nearby / close by

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Jenny!
Jenny who?
Jennymen prefer blondes!

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in your refridgerator?

CHUCK.

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The lawyer asked him, Did you actually see the accident?The witness: Yes, sir.The lawyer: How far away were you when the accident happened?The witness: Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches.The lawyer (thinking hed trap the witness): Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?The witness: Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some annoying lawyer would ask me that question.

Q. What is the difference between a blonde and a brick?

A. A brick only gets laid once!!

Twas the night before Christmas, in Texas, you know.

Way out on the prairie, without any snow.

Asleep in their cabin, were Buddy and Sue,

A dreamin of Christmas, like me and you.

Not stockings, but boots, at the foot of their bed,

For this was Texas, what more need be said,

When all of a sudden, from out of the still night,

There came such a ruckus, it gave me a fright.

And I saw cross the prairie, like a shot from a gun,

A loaded up buckboard, come on at a run,

The driver was Geein and Hawin, with a will,

The horses (not reindeer) he drove with such skill.

Come on there Buck, Poncho, & Prince, to the right,

Therell be plenty of travelin for you all tonight.

The driver in Levis and a shirt that was red,

Had a ten-gallon Stetson on top of his head.

As he stepped from the buckboard, he was really a sight,

With his beard and moustache, so curly and white.

As he burst in the cabin, the children awoke,

And were so astonished, that neither one spoke.

And he filled up their boots with such presents galore,

That neither could think of a single thing more.

When Buddy recovered the use of his jaws,

He asked in a whisper, Are you really Santa Claus?

Am I the real Santa? Well, what do you think?

And he smiled as he gave a mysterious wink.

Then he leaped in his buckboard, and called back in his drawl,

To all the children in Texas, Merry Christmas, You-all

Taken from Quakers Are Funny! by Chuck Fager, Kimo Press, 1987:

One World War II Quaker conscientious objector had been a
professional wrestler. Once when he and some other inmates of the
Coshocton CPS camp in Ohio made a trip into town, they were hassled
about their pacifism by some local youths, who insisted that only
force could change the Germans views.

In response, the ex-wrestler took off his coat, challenged one of
the local boys to a match, and promptly threw the townie across the
room. He then asked the youth, Now do you believe that force wont
change peoples views?

Heck no! the local boy hollered back.

Thats exactly my point, said the Quaker, who put on his coat and left.

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes, committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently dont know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing article titles How Not to Rob a Bank, by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.

Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules arent followed:

1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you dont follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you dont want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in.
2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
3. Dont sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robbers signature and account number.
4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his weapon.
5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope. The teller said, All Ive got is two twenties. The robber took them and left.
6. Dont advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves.
7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.
8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the tellers car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.
9. Dont be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark points out not to mention severe burns in sensitive places – as bandits in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered.
10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived.

In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, for example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bank holdups reported.

From a jokes list in Greece:

Two friends meet in the street:

– Hi John, why are you in such a mess?

– I was in this great party yesterday night and drank so much they had to take me to the hospital.

– Well, Ive never had such a problem. Each time I get drunk I go home and passionate love to my wife. After that, its all clear in my head.

– Really? I have to try this!

– Ok, see ya.

Few days later they meet again:

– John, you look much better now. Did you do what i told you?

– Oh yes, you were right my friend. I feel great. By the way, youve got a really nice house.