Old and New Jokes

A blonde wanted to win the lotto so she prayed to god, and she lost. Next week she prayed to god again, and she lost. The week after she prayed to god, and she lost. She said to god, why wont you let me win? God replied, How about buying a ticket first?

The following is a description of a New Zealand wine taken straight from the bottle word for word. (Anyone who has tried it will know that it is a mild description).



PURPLE DEATH (that is really the name)



An unusual Rough-as-Guts aperitif that has the distinctive bouquet of horse-shit and old tram tickets. It is best drunk with the teeth clenched to prevent ingestion of any foreign bodies. Connoisseurs will savour the slight tannin taste of old tea leaves and burnt cat fur. Possessors of a cultivated palate will admire the initial assault on the taste buds which comes from the careful and loving blending of animal manure and perished jock straps strained through an old miners sock. The maturing in small pigs bladders gives it a very definite nose.



Marketed under the Saviour Brand (9 out of 10 people who drink it for the first time exclaim Je-e-esus Chri-ist).



Caution: Keep away from naked flames (both old and new).



BOTTLED BY THE MAD SCIENTIST – JUST FOR FUN FOR SAPICH BROTHERS Forest Hill Road, Henderson, New Zealand

Another 12-step program
and I still cant dance.

Yo mama so poor that when I rang her doorbell, she yelled, Ding Dong!

In The News – Edited excerpts from the LA Times

Includes some late night humor

WARNING: May be offensive to American Politicians, White House interns, Amtrak, American sports stars, and supermodels.

Well folks, the rain is on hold for a few days, but … Legislators in Sacramento voted to change the state song from I Love You California to Paul Simons Slip Slidin Away.

President Clinton says he approaches everything Saddam Hussein says with a great degree of skepticism. Pretty much the same way we approach everything Clinton says. (Letterman)

American forces in the Persian Gulf went back to full alert when Hussein announced he would honor his latest UN inspection agreement as faithfully as Clinton honored his wedding vows.

Newsweek magazine says Monica Lewenskys resume lists one of her duties at the White House as training the new interns. Thats not surprising. If you were Bill Clinton, wouldnt YOU want her to train the new intern? (Leno)

In a recent survey, when teenagers were asked where they can get free condoms, 40% said at a free clinic, 16% said from a friend, and 44% said at the White House gift shop.

President Clinton recently attended four fund raisers in New York. Let me see if I understand… the president attended four fund raisers to raise funds to defend himself for his fund raising scandals …

Lent began Wednesday. This is the 40 day period that honor Jesus suffering and agony at the hands of a special prosecutor. (Maher)

The US mens hockey team was so upset after being eliminated from the Olympics that members trashed a hotel room. Its the most embarrassing incident about an American sports figure not inviolving biting, choking a coach, double murder or having sex with a flight attendant. (Leno)

At the Grammy Awards, David Letterman was overheard saying, Marilyn Manson, this is Hanson, Hanson, this is Manson, Manson, Hanson, Hanson, Manson …

Dr. Jack Kevorkian attended another suicide last week. Hes not the only way to go you know… for $10 million, Democrats will poison your White House coffee, let you die in the Lincoln bedroom and bury you at Arlington.

A train in Japan broke the world speed record of 280 mph. This breaks the previous unofficial record of 275 mph set by an Amtrak train. Of course, the Amtrak train was clocked while plummeting off a cliff, so it doesnt really count.

New research says that when it comes to low cholesterol diets, extremes are not good. This comes from the American Pork Rinds Council.

The manager of a Los Angeles waste treatment plant wants to open a sewage museum. Hopefully it isnt interactive. (Cutler Daily Scoop)

Rap star Q-Tips house in New Jersey caught fire. Fortunately, he was able to escape safely with the rest of his family, A through P Tip.

A recent decision to carry heart defibrillators on airplanes saved a passengers life on a Dallas flight. Unfortunately, his HMO only covers coronaries on round trip flights purchased 14 days in advance with a Staurday stay over.

Distress signals from the doomed Titanic were auctioned off this week. If you missed out on this deal, another collection of distress calls is available for only $16.99. Its Michael Boltons new CD of opera arias.

Saxophonist Kenny G recently set a record by playing one note for more than 45 minutes. Now he too is cashing in – he sold the recording to a car alarm company.

I actually waited and watched all the credits of Titanic. Included at the end was this, No iceburgs were harmed in the making of this film.

Burger King has introduced the Big King sandwich. For an extra 10 cents they sprinkle alfalfa sprouts on top, and call it the Don King.

In Iowa, a jury awarded $80 million to a woman who sued UPS. Unfortunately, the woman wasnt home when they delivered the money, so they left it with a neighbor. (OBrien)

Investors plan to convert Andy Warhols old studio into a theme restaurant. It will only be open for 15 minutes.

Supermodel Elle Macpherson gave birth to a boy last weekend. Seven Pounds, 8 ounces. No work yet on how much the baby weighs.

And finally, the American Association for Nude Recreation says the number one favorite activity among nudists is swimming. The least favorite is raising honeybees. (Leno)

A three year old walked over to the pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.

He inquisitively ask the lady, why is your stomach so big?

She replied, Im having a baby.

With big eyes,he asked, Is the baby in your stomach?

She said, He sure is.

Then the little boy with a puzzled look asked, Is it a good baby?

She said, oh yes, its a real good baby.

With even a more surprised and shocked look he said, Then why in the world did you eat him?

There was a little piece of Jewish cheese


and when he gave a big Jewish sneeze


he fell over and couldnt get back up


Then one day he saw a piece of Jewish clay


and deseided to make himself Jewish legs


when he was done he went to John


and said Im not finished

Why do men name their penises?

Because they dont like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions!

According to Harpers Index, sales of California Raisin(TM) merchandise in
North America topped $450 million last year. Sales of actual California
raisins were only $400 million during the same period.

A woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. The local drunk saw this and asked, Hey, whatcha doin with that pig?

Thats not a pig, you stupid ass! she said coldly. Thats a duck.

The drunk replied. I was talking to the duck.