Old and New Jokes

Dilberts Salary Theorem states that Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people.

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power. Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows: Power  = Work / Time

And since: Knowledge = Power And: Time  =  Money , It is therefore true that Knowledge = Work / Money Solving this equation for Money, we get: Money  =  Work / Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of Work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

Q: You go to a cockfight. How do you know if a Polak is there?

A: Hes the one with a duck.

Q: How do you know if an Italian is there?

A: He bet on the duck.

Q: How do you know if the Mafia is there?

A: The duck wins.

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly calls her and urges her to get back into the world.

Finally, Sadie agrees to go out, but didnt know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, Mama! I have someone for you to meet. Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that means.

One room and the normal follow up to that. Their first night there she undresses. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks Why the panties?

She replies, My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.

He knows hes not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. Her standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom.

She looks at him and asks, Whats with this… a black condom?

He replies, Im going to offer my condolences.

How do you castrate a hillbilly? Kick his sister in the mouth!

Q: What Do you call a Brunette standing between 2 Blondes?

A: An interpreter.

Q: What do you call a Blonde standing between 2 Brunettes?

A: Mental Block.

This is a genuine psychological test:

It is a story about a girl. While at the funeral of her own mother, she met this
guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream
guy she believed him to be just that, she fell in love with him there but never
asked for his number and then… A few days later the girl killed her own
sister.

Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?

Give this some thought for a while before you scroll down.

Answer: She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again.

If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath.

This was a test by a famous American psychologist used to test if one has the
same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in this test
and answered it correctly. If you didnt answer correctly – good for you.

If your friends hit the jackpot, may I suggest that you keep your distance.

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

The little boy turned to his mother and said, Mama, I dont want to go out there. Its dark.

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. You dont have to be afraid of the dark, she explained. Jesus is out there. Hell look after you and protect you.

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, Are you sure hes out there?

Yes, Im sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him, she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, Jesus? If youre out there, would you please hand me the broom?

Two muffins were in an oven. The first muffin says boy…its hot in here
The 2nd muffins says, Holy s**t a talking muffin

A couple of opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner. One turned to the other and said, You know why Im going to win this election? Because of my personal touch. For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me.

Oh, really? replied the other. I always tip them a nickel and ask them to vote for you.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Usher!
Usher who?
Usher wish you would let me in!