Old and New Jokes

This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew Id like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.Thats me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!

One day a man drove by a farm and saw a three-legged pig. The man went up to the farmer and said, Excuse me sir, but why does that pig only have 3 legs?

Well, said the farmer, that there pig is very special. One time my wife was cooking something she stepped out of the kitchen and it caught on fire. No one in the house knew about it but the pig and he saved me, my wife, and my 2 kids.

Thats amazing sir but why does that pig onlly have three legs? said the man.

Then there was that time the pig saw a big storm coming and we didnt. The pig ran into the house and dragged us out to the storm cellar. If it werent for that pig we would all be dead.

But still, that doesnt explain why the pig only has 3 legs.

And I remember the time my youngest son was stuck up in a tree but I was too far away to hear him scream. The pig came running towards me and led me to where he was.

Well, that is miracle but how come that pig only has 3 legs? the man said quite annoyed at this point.

Well, said the farmer, with a pig that special…

you have to eat em real slow.

Im from the FAA and Im here to help you.
Me? Ive never busted minimums.
We will be on time, maybe even early.
Pardon me, maam, I seem to have lost my jet keys.
I have no interest in flying for the airlines.
I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.
All that turbulence spoiled my landing.
Im a member of the mile high club.
I only need glasses for reading.
I broke out right at minimums.
The weather is gonna be alright; its clearing to VFR.
Dont worry about the weight and balance – itll fly.
If we get a little lower I think well see the lights.
Im 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree and 3000 hours in a Lear.
We shipped the part yesterday.
Id love to have a woman co-pilot.
All you have to do is follow the book.
This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.
We in aviation are overpaid, underworked and well respected.
Oh sure, no problem, Ive got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.
I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.
No need to look that up, Ive got it all memorized.
Sure I can fly it – it has wings, doesnt it?
Well be home by lunchtime.
Your plane will be ready by 2 oclock.
Im always glad to see the FAA.
We fly every day – we dont need recurrent training.
It just came out of annual – how could anything be wrong?
I thought YOU took care of that.
Ive got the field in sight.
Ive got the traffic in sight.
Of course I know where we are.
Im SURE the gear was down.

Never trust a pilot with clean hands. Never address a major international terrorist as Bubbi.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?

He sold his soul to Santa



Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?

Hes all right now.



How do crazy people go through the forest?

They take the psycho path.



How do you get holy water?

Boil the hell out of it.



How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?

She says, Daddy, I want a new apartment.



What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?

Dam!



What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

Polaroids.



What do prisoners use to call each other?

Cell phones.



What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?

National Dyslexics Association.



What do you call a boomerang that doesnt work?

A stick.



What do you call cheese that isnt yours?

Nacho Cheese.



What do you call Santas helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.



What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?

Quatro sinko.



What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk.



What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.



What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?

A pachydermatologist



What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A pool table.



What is a zebra?

25 sizes larger than an A bra.



What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.

and what kind of lettuce? Iceberg.



What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.



Where do you get virgin wool from?

Ugly sheep/the one that can run the fastest.



Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

Theyre trying to get away from the noise.

The severity of the itch is proportional to inability to the reach it.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time youll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

IBM: I Bought a Mac

Q: How many futurologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. He just takes the old functioning one out when nobodys looking, just to be certain.

Did you hear about the blonde who thought he discovered that

he had a twin brother?

He didnt realize he was looking in a mirror.

Forrest Gump died and went to heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gates Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective Heavenly Soul must answer three questions.

1. Name two days of the week that begin with T.

2. How many seconds are in a year?

3. What is Gods first name?



Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered, 1. The two days of the week that begin with T are Today and Tomorrow 2. There are 12 seconds in a year. 3. God has two-first names and they are Andy and Howard.



Saint Peter said, OK Ill buy Today and Tomorrow, even though its not the answer I expected, your answer is acceptable. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why did you ever think that Gods first name was either Andy or Howard?



Forrest responded, Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd,…OK, I give in said Saint Peter, but what about the Gods first name stuff?



Forrest said, Well, from the song… Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own… and the prayer… Our Father which Art in Heaven, Howard be thy name….



Saint Peter let him in without further ado!

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mom.