Old and New Jokes

La mujer se pone un vaporoso negligé y trata de excitar al hombre que está en la cama leyendo el Newsweek.

Nada.

La fémina se quita la bata para mostrar lo que hay debajo. El esposo sigue leyendo su revista. Con un ligero retintín en la voz, la esposa le pregunta:

¿Qué ha traído la revista de interesante?

Un artículo donde dicen que científicos de la Universidad de Tokio han logrado probar que tener relaciones sexuales prolonga la vida.

Acto seguido, el tipo coloca la revista en la mesita de noche y apaga la luz.

Hasta mañana, amorcito, dice.

Hasta mañana… ¡SUICIDA!

Una maestra les pide a sus alumnos que hagan un pequeño trabajo acerca del higiene.

Luego, por lista, comienza a revisarlos:

A ver Carlitos, ¿que escribiste?

Es importante lavarse las manos antes de cada comida.

Bien Carlitos, a ver tu Susanita.

Hay que lavarse los dientes por lo menos 3 veces al día.

Correcto, Susanita. ¿Y tu, Pepito?

Maestra yo hice una composición acerca de la higiene.

Muy bien, dila a la clase.

Sobre una mesa hay una mosca en bata, al rato llegan 15 moscas en bata, mas al rato hay 100 moscas en bata sobre la mesa, mas tarde hay 1000 moscas en bata sobre la mesa…

Un momento pepito ¿y eso que tiene que ver con la higiene???

Mucho maestra, no ve que mi composcicion se llama Combata las Moscas.

Ole and Lenas bull took sick and died, so they needed to go to the auction to buy a new one. Ole had to get the crops in and couldnt leave the farm, so Lena took the train to the city to buy a bull. If she was successful, she would take the train back to the farm, then she and Ole would go to town with the truck to pick up their newly purchased bull.

The bidding was furious at the livestock auction, and Lena found herself bidding on the last remaining bull. It took everything she had but ten cents, but she was finally the successful bidder.



Unfortunately, the train home was fifty cents. Please, Mr. Conductor, couldnt you make an exception just once? pleaded Lena. Sorry lady, he replied, but you can send your husband a telegram to tell him your problem. The office is just down the street.



At the Telegraph office, Lena asked, Mister, how many vords can I send to my husband for a dime? Its ten cents a word, the clerk answered. Lena pondered her dilemma, then finally said, OK, heres da message: COMFORTABLE.

Q: What does the zero say to the the eight?
A: Nice belt!

Why do they call it a TV set when theres only one?

You are an Internet Addict when…



1.) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.



2.) You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you dont have a clue as to when it happened.



3.) Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.



4.) Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.



5.) You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.



6.) You start introducing yourself as Jim at net dot com



7.) Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.



8.) You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.



9.) Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.



10.) All of your friends have an @ in their names.



11.) When looking at a web page full of someone elses links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.



12.) Your dog has its own home page.



13.) You cant call your mother… She doesnt have a modem.



14.) You check your mail. It says no new messages. So you check it again.



15.) Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.



16.) You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.



17.) You dont know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.



18.) Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months.



19.) You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.



20.) You tell the kids they cant use the computer because Daddys got work to do — even though you dont have a job.



21.) You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.



22.) Your wife makes a new rule: The computer cannot come to bed.



23.) You get a tattoo that says This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher.



24.) You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP… because you never log off.



25.) The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.



26.) You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.



27.) Your wife says communication is important in a marriage… so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.



28.) As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the back button.

(To the tune of Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious)

(Chorus)

To boldly go where none has gone, that is the task before us.

Even though the major networks seem to have ignored us.

Weve been around for quite a while, and all the fans adore us.

I wish wed get a decent script, the novelty will floor us.

um-diddle-iddle-iddle um-diddle-la

um-diddle-iddle-iddle um-diddle-la

The first rule taught at Star Fleet is that we dont interfere

Because well warp new cultures, and well get them hooked on beer.

We know how to get round this rule, wherever we may go.

Cause we auction off the broadcast rights for all repeats they show.

(Chorus)

The second rule at Star Fleet is that you should be above

The feelings when a sexy alien wants to make love.

Of course there exceptions, like the Cap and Number One.

Cause we all know sex assures that high ratings will be won.

(Chorus)

The third rule taught at Star Fleet is that violence doesnt win

And if you should destroy life forms, you made a mortal sin.

But that wont stop us from revenge on those who are the worst

Well beam off ol Luxwanna, with her molecules dispersed.

(Chorus)

Im now a captain of my own and now I understand

That rules that have been carved in stone and lies go hand in hand

Ive broke the rules a thousand times, I feel like such a jerk

But Ill never break the record of the famous James T. Kirk

(Chorus)

(fade)

There were 2 surd, both of them were good hunters, one of them Mr.Daka Singh killed only lions & tigers, and one Mr. Laka Singh killed only deers. Once they both met. Laka Singh asked Daka Singh how is that you only kill lions & tigers and I kill only deers. Tell me the trick. He told him just go to a cave and imitate the noise of a sheep the lion comes out of the cave and shoot him then that quite easy.

After 2 months daka singh got the news that Laka Singh was in the hospital on questioning him he exclaimed I did the same thing you told me. I just outside a big cave and imitated the noise of a sheep but I did not know that deccan queen was coming out from the cave.

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.
2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.
4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.
5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!
6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.
7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable.
8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King…
9. …but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that theyre astronaut food.
10. Follow patrons of B. Daltons around while reading aloud from Dianetics.
11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.
12. Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that its a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, You mean you really cant see it?
13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.
14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.
15. Test mattresses in your pajamas.
16. Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels.
17. If youre patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.
18. Sprint up the down escalator.
19. Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the hidden picture.
20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.
21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.
22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.
23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether theres much meat on them.
24. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.
25. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.
26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray *them* with your own bottle of Eau de Swane.
27. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.
28. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.
29. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, I see London, I see France…
30. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.
31. Play the tuba for change.
32. Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he can play Jesus Built My Hotrod.
33. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.
34. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will give you a really wicked buzz.
35. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have any giant crap made out of straw.
36. Toast plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.
37. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.
38. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.
39. Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing Saved by the Bell. Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.
40. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling scratch one flattop!
41. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are leakproof.
42. Play the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.
43. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.
44. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether theyre real.
45. If its Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on *your* lap.
46. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say Dominos.
47. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.
48. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.
49. Show people your drivers license and demand to know whether theyve seen this man.
50. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasnt turned blue yet.

This little old lady walks into an ice cream parlor and asks for 2 scoops of chocolate ice cream. The man behind the counter says Im sorry, we are all out of chocolate ice cream.

The lady says OK, Ill take one scoop of chocolate ice cream in a cup.

The man says Ma-am, we are all out of chocolate.

The little old lady says OK, then Ill have a single scoop of chocolate in a cone.

The man, a little more irritated this time says Ok, lady. Spell van as in vanilla.

The lady says V A N

The man says, OK, spell straw as in strawberry.

The lady says S T R A W.

The man says, OK, now spell fuck as in chocolate.

The lady says there aint no fuck in chocolate.

The man says, Lady, thats what Ive been trying to tell you all along!