A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
Youll get your chance in court, said the Desk Sergeant.
No, no, no! said the man. I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. Ive been trying to do that for years!
A man and his dog are shipwrecked on a desert island. After exploring the island, he discovers that the only other inhabitants on the island are a flock of sheep. After many months he realizes how difficult life is without having a woman by his side. He momentarily considers pleasuring himself with a sheep, but the horror of the thought soon draws him back to his senses.
A few months later, he can take it no more, and starts to stalk a particularly comely sheep. As he is about to do the dastardly deed, however, his dog grabs him by the leg and prevents him from going ahead. After some initial anger, he thanks the dog for keeping him on the straight and narrow.
This pattern continues for some years, when the man is not so much thankful for the hounds intervention, as downright irritated. Try as he might to sneak off to the sheep whenever the canine isnt looking, his faithful friend always hunts him down whenever he approaches the woolly flock.
Then one day, fate intervenes, and the man sees a yacht drop anchor in the bay. Soon he sees a very attractive young woman alighting from the yacht and stepping ashore. Soon he is with her, introducing himself.
Youre the first man Ive seen after months at sea, she coos. Ill do anything you want.
Deep inside, the man is beside himself with joy. His prayers have been answered.
Great, he says. Will you walk my dog for me?
Joe Sensitive – After I wash the dishes, lets cuddle, OK?
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling,
Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
Old Man Grumpus – People are stupid. The world can go to hell.
Lets stay home and watch TV.
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey,
Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the butt
Flinchy – I–Im sorry for whatever it was I did.
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
Bigfoot – Shut yer trap, Im thinkin.
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk,
BignDumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
Lazybones – Zzzzzz
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket,
Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams
The Sneak – Who, me?
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, Goshdarn Son of a
bum
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
Ace of Hearts – After I wash the dishes lets make love
like crazed weasels, OK?
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova,
Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
The Dreamer – Someday Im going to be rich and famous.
I dont know how, but–
Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of
Wind, Fool
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into Old Man Grumpus
Mr. Right – While the servants wash the dishes, lets make love
like crazed weasels in my new yacht, OK?
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a womans prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction
Sayings youd like to see on office inspirational posters:
If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
If you think were a bad firm, you should see our rivals!
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings — they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
A person who smiles in the face of adversity … probably has a scapegoat.
ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE…..
We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members!
2 days without a Human Rights Violation!
If at first you dont succeed — try management.
Its only unethical if you get caught.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Never quit until you have another job.
Work harder slaves!
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
If you can read this, youre not working!
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
Go the extra mile – It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
Pride, commitment, teamwork — words we use to get you to work for free.
Succeed in spite of management.
Work: It isnt just for sleeping anymore.
There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who dont work here anymore.
Two Aliens land in Detroit, next to a Gas station. The Aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a being is the Gas pump. The two Aliens approach.
The first one says Earthling take me to your leader!
He gets no response.
The first Alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again. Earthling, I said Take me to your leader!
Still no response.
The first Alien then turns to the second and says, If this Earthling doesnt show me some respect Im going to blast him!
The second Alien replies O.K. but, Im just going to stand down on the next block.
The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses pump a third time.
Earthling take me to your leader!
No response.
The Alien then pulls out his ray-gun and shoots the pump. After the explosion the Alien gets up, dusts himself off then goes down the block to his buddy.
He then says to the second Alien If you knew that was going to happen why didnt you warn me?
The second replies I didnt know what was going to happen, but Im not going to mess with anyone who can hang his penis to the ground, wrap it around his body twice, and can still stick it in his ear!
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?
The man below says: Yes. Youre in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.
You must work in Information Technology says the balloonist.
I do replies the man. How did you know?
Well says the balloonist, Everything you have told me is technically correct, but its no use to anyone.
The man below says, You must work in business.
I do replies the balloonist, but how did you know?
Well, says the man, You dont know where you are, or where youre going, but you expect me to be able to help. Youre in the same position you were before we met, but now its my fault.
Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good price.
When a nymphomaniac tells you, Lets just be friends.
Yo mama so poor, she has to break into someones house to get what she needs.
By Randy Jeffries/Weekly World News (January 23, 1996)
Bocholt, Germany – A band musician died of a brain injury when the trombonist behind him jerked the slide of his trombone forward and struck the trumpeter in the back of the head!
Police say the tragedy occurred as the Gratzfeld College band was rehearsing the spirited American jazz classic, When the Saints Go Marching In.
According to other band members, trombonist Peter Niemeyer, 19, got carried away with the music. He started gyrating and thrashing around as he played.
At one point, he jerked forward and the rounded metal slide on his instrument hit trumpet player Dolph Mohr, 20, dropping him instantly to the floor.
Niemeyer was pumping the slide very hard, said medical examiner Dr. Max Krause. But it wasnt just the force of the blow that killed Mohr.
The slide struck him in the worst possible place – the vulnerable spot just behind and below the left ear. Bone fragments pierced his brain, killing him instantly.
The incident has provoked a storm of controversy over whether or not American jazz should be played in German colleges.
I believe the music is to blame, said Gratzfeld band director Heinrich Sommer. I was pressured to play that selection by school administrators. But Ive always said jazz is dangerous music, Our musicians cant control themselves when they play it. They move and rock back and forth, creating chaos. If I had my way, American Dixieland would be outlawed in Germany. Ive been directing bands for 30 years and Ive never heard of anyone dying while playing a German march.