Old and New Jokes

Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Accounting.

If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.

If they dont even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you its not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

And if theyve left early, put them in Sales.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky
tire.

A guy phones a law office and says: I want to speak to my lawyer. The receptionist replies, Im sorry but he died last week.



The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, I told you yesterday, he died last week.



The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?



The guy says, Because I just love hearing it.

Q: Did you hear about the new Viagra candy bar?
A: Oh, Oh, Oh my God, Henry!

Q: What do you get when you mix Viagra and Prozac?
A: A guy who is ready to go, but doesnt really care where.

Q: What is the difference between your first honeymoon and your second?
A: The first: Niagara; the second: Viagra.

Q: What do you get when you mix Viagra with rogaine?
A: Don King.

Q: What happens if you get the Viagra pill stuck in your throat?
A: You get a stiff neck.

Q: What is Viagra Falls?
A: A newly discovered waterfall that flows upward.

Q: How many doses of Viagra does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One little tablet, and its a whole new bulb.

This a new month. Which means its time to once again look at the things people do in search of a buck. Yep, its Weird Business News.

Our Best Stock Symbol Award this time to Schlotzskys, the Austin-based sandwich shop chain. You can find its price on the Nasdaq listings under BUNZ.

The Best Millennium Event for Elvis Fans – the 1999 Millennium Elvis Week Aug. 8 through 16 at Memphis, in which Elvis will be recognized – albeit by the people who make and sell his records – as the Artist of the Century.

Our It Sounds Dirty Even If It Isnt Award to Douglas R. Nappi, a vice president for government relations at the New York Stock Exchange. Nappi was complaining about those who hack into sites that provide stock quotes without paying for the service. Nappi calls it quote sucking.

The One Million and One Uses for Duct Tape Award to former astronaut and U.S. Sen. John Glenn. In a recent speech in Avon, Ohio, Glenn revealed that astronauts have used the tape in space. Most common use – taping trays to flat surfaces so their food is easier to eat.

Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow

After a few years of married life, an engineer finds he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him This is all in your mind. and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, he confesses, I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor says, I can cure this. He throws powder on a flame and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

The witch doctor says This is a powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say 123 and it will rise as long as you wish!

The guy then asks the witch doctor What happens when its over?

The witch doctor says All you or your partner has to say is 1234 and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says 123, and suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says What did you say 123 for?

A cat died and went to heaven. St. Peter met the cat at the gate and said, Welcome. Is there anything you didnt have on Earth that I can get for you, here in Heaven?.

The cat thought for a moment and said, Yes, I always had to sleep on a hard floor, could I get a warm soft bed?. St. Peter arranged for it.

Next, four mice died and went to heaven. St. Peter asked the same question, and the mice thought a moment and said, Yes, we were always running on Earth, could we get roller skates here in heaven? St. Peter of course granted their wish.

About a month went by and St. Peter saw the cat and asked how he liked his bed. The cat said, I like it alot, but I really enjoy those Meals on Wheels.

Para un argentino frente a un edificio con espejos y se dice en voz alta:

¡Qué pinta tiene el nene!

Sigue caminando y se encuentra con su novia, una rubia despampanante, y vuelve a balbucear: ¡Qué novia tiene el nene!

Sube a su Ferrari rojo y dice otra vez:

¡Qué auto tiene el nene!

Llega a su casa y encuentra a su hermana, que es monja de la Orden de las Esposas de Cristo. Entonces, eufórico comenta:

¡Qué cuñado tiene el nene!

Un hombre llegó muy nervioso al consultorio del psiquiatra y le dijo: Estoy enamorado de mi caballo.

Eso no es nada para preocuparse. Mucha gente se aficiona a los animales. De hecho, mi esposa y yo tenemos un perrito y lo queremos mucho…

Pero, doctor, yo me siento atraído físicamente a mi caballo.

Hmmm, ¿su caballo es hembra o macho.

¡Hembra, por supuesto! ¿Qué cree usted que soy? ¿Un pervertido?

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.

He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.

He descended a bit more and shouted, Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I dont know where I am.



The woman below replied, You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.



You must be an engineer, said the balloonist.

I am, replied the woman. How did you know?



Well, answered the balloonist, everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, youve not been much help so far.



The woman below responded, You must be in management.

I am, replied the balloonist, but how did you know?



Well, said the woman, you dont know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.



The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, its my fault!