Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Lisa!
Lisa who?
Lisa you can do is let me in!

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

Q: How many people of the anti-matter Universe does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Minus 2. -1 to change the bulb, -1 to have a fight with Captain Kirk.

Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?

SM: Yes, I wonder what be wants.

SL: Its logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster.

SM: It is not working.

SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and Ill go this way. He cannot follow both of us.

So the man decided to go after Sister Logical and Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical. Thank Cod you are here. Tell us what happened.

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.

SM: So, what happened? Please tell us.

SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.

SM: So what happened?

SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And what else?

SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.

SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my habit up.

SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isnt it logical, Sister? A nun with her habit up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And you thought this was a dirty joke…

Q. What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A. They are both used as substitute meat.

Pepito y Jaimito entran a dormir en hotel, donde únicamente les dan una cama para los dos. En mitad de la noche, Pepito escucha la respiración agitada de Jaimito y le pregunta:

Jaimito, ¿te estás masturbando?

¡Pues, claro, hombre!

¡Entonces jálate la tuya!

Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

9. Actually Im doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

8. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress.

7. Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

History is the science of what never happens twice.

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new
Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian
Chief in a modern society, he had never actually been taught any of the
old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he had no clue as to what
the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the
winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village
should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader,
after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called
the National Weather Service and asked, Is the coming winter going to
be cold? It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,
the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went
back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to
be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. Is it
going to be a very cold winter? Yes, the man at National Weather
Service again replied, its going to be a very cold winter. The Chief
again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of
wood they could find.
Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. Are you
absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold? Absolutely,
the man replied, its going to be one of the coldest winters ever.
How can you be so sure? the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, The
Indians are collecting wood like crazy.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all working for NASA, were trying to figure out where to go on the next trip.

The brunette said, We should go to Mars.
The redhead said, We should go to the Moon.

The brunette and the redhead sat there arguing for a while. Suddenly, the blonde shouts, Stop arguing! I know where the next expedition should be to … the Sun!

The brunette and the redhead looked at each other and started laughing. The brunette finally said, You cant go to the Sun. You would melt or burn up before you even got close!

The blonde said, DUH… Not if you go at night!