The patient asks for the good news first and then the bad news.
So the doctor starts off and says, It is mostly certain that you are going to die in about 7 or 8 days.
After hearing this the patient couldnt imagine what the bad news would be.
The doctor continued: … and I have been trying to reach you on the phone to tell you, for a week now.
A guy calls a buddy, who is a horse rancher, and says hes sending a friend over to look at a horse.
The horse rancher asks How will I recognize him?
Thats easy, hes a midget with a speech impediment.
The midget goes there, and the rancher asks him if hes looking for a male or female horse.
A female horth.
He shows him a prized filly.
Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?
The rancher picks up the midget and he gives the horses eyes the once over.
Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?
He picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horses ears.
Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?
The rancher is gettin pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horses mouth.
Nice mouf, can I see her twat?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midgets head as far as he can up the horses twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?
WHY DOES IT MATTER? ITS JUST GONNA BURN OUT AGAIN, ANYWAY.
Source: Passed to me by a colleague at the University of Idaho
Did you hear the one about the day Oral Roberts, Jerry Falwell and Robert
Schuler were driving to a big tent meeting together? Unfortunately,
they were involved in a terrible accident and all three were killed.
As you might expect they all ascended into heaven and came to standing in
front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted them and welcomed them to
heaven. Then he started to hem and haw around and finally explained that
they hadnt any advance notice of this situation and so werent quite
prepared for three so illustrious and holy men. He explained how all
three of them qualified for the very finest accommodations heaven had to
offer including very large and splendid mansions, but they werent quite
ready so would they mind waiting a few days?
They replied that they wouldnt mind waiting, but were they just going
to have to stand there for several days? St. Peter said no, he
believed he could arrange temporary quarters for them in Hell. Sometimes
Satan was willing to help out in emergencies, whereupon he placed a call
to Brother Satan and made the arrangements. They descended into Hell.
Noon on the fourth day after their descent St. Peter gets a frantic
phone call from the Devil demanding that he remove these three guys from
hell immediately. St. Peter couldnt believe his ears and asked what
could possibly be wrong with these three upstanding people.
The Devil replied, They are ruining my place down here. In less than
four days Jerry Falwell has saved everybody, Oral Roberts has healed
everybody, and Robert Schuler has raised enough money to air condition
the whole damn place!!
Lets face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins werent invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which arent sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers dont fing, grocers dont groce and hammers dont ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isnt the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesnt it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didnt preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isnt a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
I should state that Ronald MacDonald is probably a registered
trademark of the MacDonalds Restaurant Corporation of
America or something.
I recently saw an advertisement for MacDonalds. In it, a young
girl is talking to Ronald MacDonald. The setting is somewhere
in North America, most likely, judging from the accents and
scenery. The girl says shes running away to MacDonaldLand,
and Ronald says, MacDonaldland? Thats where Im from.
Suddenly, it all made sense. Why is Ronald MacDonald, the
grotesquely made-up and attired being, so far from MacDonaldland,
the only place where he could fit in? Obviously, hes in exile.
A few years ago in MacDonaldLand, Mayor McCheese, having grown
paranoid and megalomaniacal in his years secluded in his
mayoral residence, declared a state of emergency. He rationalized
this act by pointing out increased felonious activities by the
Hamburgler, and obliquely referring to rumors that those French-Fry
Weasels (whose names I forget) were carrying some sort of disease.
Mayor McCheeses brother, the police officer with a similarly
hamburger-shaped head (whose name I also forget), rounded up the
Hamburgler, the Hamburglers family, business associates of the
Hamburgler, the French-Fry Weasels, and any life forms in MacDonaldLand
who veered too much from basic hamburger-humanoid form. These
purges were justified by a new theory of eugenics, which stated that
large, round, flat heads with lettuce in them are signs of a higher
form of life, a sort of Hamburgerubermensch, who were divinely
granted sole political power of MacDonaldLand. Obviously, Ronald
MacDonald, not being a Hamburgerubermensch, did not fit it, and yet
the people would not accept his execution, since he was beloved by
all and besides his great-grandfather, Helmut MacDonald, founded
MacDonaldLand, so instead of being killed or forced to work in the
salt mines with the other victims of the purges or being ground
into a paste and turned into Big Macs for sale abroad, he was exiled
to the United States, due to the friendly relations the United States
had always had with MacDonaldLand, a result of the tireless efforts of
the US Ambassador to MacDonaldLand, Ray A. Kroc.
But then, why would Ronald MacDonald just casually try to talk
the young girl out of running away to MacDonaldLand, instead of
sternly warning her against the dangers there? Obviously, he
harbors a great resentment against Americans. Perhaps he is
angry that we did not intervene and stop the human rights abuses
perpetrated by Mayor McCheese (after all, the declaration of
a state of emergency did happen during the Reagan Presidency),
or perhaps hes just a snob. Stupid Americans! he mutters
to himself at night, as he sits at his formica table while drinking
cheap coffee and reading the only MacDonaldLand-language newspaper
printed in the U.S., they dress like fools! Drab colors…no
bright yellow smocks or oversized red shoes…and like barbarians,
they do not paint their faces! When I show them the sign of
the arches, they stare at me as if Id gone mad! Were they
educated with pigs? Late at night, he hangs around the mini-
playgrounds built outside of MacDonalds franchises. It is,
so little, he whispers, before taking a swig of bourbon from
a bottle he thinks hes hiding in a paper bag, but it reminds
me of home.
• A priest saw a girl removin her blouse. He prayed. God please close my eyes.
When he opened his eyes the girl was naked. This time he prayed, God please close your eyes.
• A priest saw a girl removin her blouse. He prayed. God please close my eyes.
When he opened his eyes the girl was naked. This time he prayed, God please close your eyes.
A woman went to her doctor for a followup visit after the doctor
had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a
little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
Doctor, the hormones youve been giving me have really helped, but
Im afraid that youre giving me too much. Ive started growing hair
in places that Ive never grown hair before.
The doctor reassured her. A little hair growth is a perfectly normal
side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?
On my balls.
Steve Losen
University of Virginia Academic Computing Center
OR:
I want to call your mother and thank her.
Checking to see if you were made in heaven.
OR:
Checking to see if youre the right size.
WOMEN SEEKING MEN Classifieds translations
Enjoys art and opera means: Snob
Enjoys Nature means: Bring your own granola
Exotic Beauty means: Would frighten a Martian