Old and New Jokes

An old woman saved a Fairys life. To repay this, the Fairy promised to grant the old woman three wishes.

For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Poof! She became young and beautiful.

For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world. Poof! She was the richest woman in the world.

For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been her best friend for so many years. Poof! The Fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth.

The old lady and the Fairy said their goodbyes.

After the Fairy left, the handsome man (old cat) strolled over to her and asked, Now arent you sorry you had me neutered?!!!

How careers end…

Mathematicians are discounted.

Tree surgeons disembark.

Vegas dealers are discarded.

Instead of flossing you use a plunger.

You take the back window out of your pickup because its easier to chuck the empty beer cans in the back that way.

When the back fills up with empty beer cans, you get another pickup and start all over again.

Dos señoras están hablando de sus maridos:

¡Qué le parece que mi marido se volvió protestante!

¿Cómo así?

Sí, se volvió protestante, porque cuando estamos en la cama protesta porque me muevo y también protesta porque no me muevo.

¡Ah, eso no es nada, mi marido se volvió luterano!

¿Por qué luterano?

Porque cuando no es por el útero es por el ano.

A grade school teacher comes into class one morning to find a litany of dirty words written all over the blackboard. She is very upset and tells the class to close its eyes and count to thirty. During that time, she says, the person who did it should erase the words. The class and the teacher close their eyes, and, after the time is up, open them. The board is indeed erased, except for a small note in the bottom of the board.



Fuck you, teacher. The phantom strikes again!

Any change looks terrible at first.

We sometimes get all the information, but we refuse to get the message.

A: No, you should eat your fingers separately.

What three words will a Jewish American Princess never hear?

Attention K-mart shoppers

A small boy is wandering in a hotel, and hearing some noises
decides to open a door. He says Wow, its dark here!
You can imagine that theres a man with a woman in that room…
The man asks, What do you want? Heres a buck, leave us alone.
A bit latter, the boy goes back again, opens the door, and says:
Wow, its dark here! Not you again! Here, take this and
go buy yourself something. And the boy goes out with 2 bucks.

The following morning, the boy feels some remorse, and tells what happened
to his mother. She says: Thats wrong. You should go to the church,
and confess yourself.

So there he goes. Entering the booth, he says: Wow, its dark here!.
To which the priest says: Are you following me around?