Theres these three guys and theyre out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish.
Now one of the guys just doesnt believe it, and says: OK, if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q.
The mermaid says: Done. Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight.
The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid: Triple my I.Q.
The mermaid says: Done. The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: physics, chemistry, etc.
The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, that he says to the mermaid: Quintuple my I.Q.
The mermaid looks at him and says: You know, I normally dont try to change peoples minds when they make a wish, but I really wish youd reconsider.
The guy says: Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q. times five, and if you dont do it, I wont set you free.
Please, says the mermaid You dont know what youre asking…itll change your entire view on the universe…wont you ask for something else… a million dollars, anything?
But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his I.Q. increased by five times its usual power.
So the mermaid sighed and said: Done!
And he became a woman.
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.
The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce.
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the banks underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the banks doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest, the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.
Wait sir, the loan officer said, while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?
The man smiled. Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?
What happens when you give Viagra to a Lawyer? He gets taller!
1. My doomsday device would not employ a large red digital countdown device unless it was absolutely necessary. If a countdown device proves to be necessary, the doomsday device will be set to activate when the counter reaches 00:10:00, rather than 00:00:00.2. My Legions of Terror will have uniforms designed by a talented fashion designer, and will not be a cheap knockoff of the Nazi SS uniform, the roman foot-soilder uniform, or the clothing of the savage Mongol horde. All such groups were eventually defeated, and I want my troops to have a more positive outlook on themselves.3. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic rifle marksmanship. Any who cannot hit a man-sized target at ten meters will be used for target practice. 4. I will not use any Master Plan for which the final step is horrably complicated (for example: align the 12 stones of power on the sacred alter and activate the medallion durring a total eclipse). Instead, I will use plans that have a final step along the lines of push the button.5. If my objective is world domination, I will not be tempted by tantalizing opporitunities to achieve absolute power, as these inevitably backfire. However, if my objection is absolute power, I will consider settling for mere world domination.6. Total commitment is essential. If I discover that I have not truely and completely gone over to the Dark Side, I will immediately cease all world-domination efforts until the last morsel of goodness is expunged.7. Since nothing if more irritating that a hero defeating you with basic math skills, I design all of my personal sidearms to fire one more bullet than is standard.8. If I have children then grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will first ask him to explain why it is that her beloved Grandma has to die. When the hero launches into a long-winded, way-over-her-head dissertation on morality, that will be he
These are actual excuses given by parents of school children:
Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Excuse Helen. She has been under the Doctor.
John was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.
Please excuse Patricia from jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Alice for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Please excuse Vera. She is having problems with her ovals.
A man hasnt been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.
Im afraid I have some very bad news, the doctor says. Youre dying, and you dont have much time left.
Oh, thats terrible! says the man. How long have I got?
Ten, the doctor says sadly.
Ten? the man asks. Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!
Nine…
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Colin!
Colin who?
Colin all cars, Colin all cars!
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until hes topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he cant escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, Its been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, Ill let you go.
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!
A lawyer was helping a poor old widow settle her husbands estate. Upon completion of the job, he charged her $100.00. She opened her purse, and took out one of the few remaining contents – a one hundred dollar bill. After he left the attorney discovered that the bill had another $100.00 bill stuck to it.
Immediately, the lawyer was faced with an ethical dilemma – whether or not to tell his partner.
In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the confusion.