Old and New Jokes

It is impossible to build a foolproof system, because fools are so ingenious.

Top 10 Reasons For Being Canadian

It beats being an American.
You dont have to leave home to taste authentic French cuisine.
You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
Can travel anywhere with a Canadian passport.
Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity
ratings will rise.
Liberal is not a dirty word.
The CBC
Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the
ground.
If you are BORING!!

Yo mama so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway.

Ive smoked fatter joints than that.
Ahhhhhhhh… its cute.
Why dont we just cuddle?
You know… they have surgery to fix that!
Make it dance for me.
Can I paint a smiley face on it?
Wow, and your feet are so big.
Its OK, well work around it.
Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
Oh no… a flash headache.
(Giggle and point.)
Can I be honest with you?
This explains your car.
Maybe if we water it, itll grow.
Why is God punishing me?
At least this wont take long.
I never saw one like that before.
But it still works, right?
It looks so unused.
Maybe it looks better in natural light.
Why dont we skip right to the cigarettes?
Are you cold?
If you get me real drunk first, then maybe…
Is that an optical illusion?
What is that?
Its a good thing you have so many other talents.
Does it come with an air pump?
So this is why youre supposed to judge people on personality.

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.



Maam, Im not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.



Oh, Ill let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.



Thats fine. Another thing, maam. I dont like the way that one rein loops across the horses back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. Thats cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!



Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.



Well, dear, what exactly did he say?



He said the reflector is broken.



I can fix that in two minutes. What else?



Im not sure, Jacob … something about the emergency brake…

Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.

Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister, Well, you just ask Mom. Shell tell you its much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel.

Why does New Jersey have all the toxic waste dumps and California has all the lawyers?
Because New Jersey got first pick!!

(Forwards at the Betty Ford Clinic for Y2K compulsives …)

Press Release: For general release

Date: December 9, 1998

REDMOND, WA (API) – MICROSOFT (MSFT) announced today that the official release date for the new operating system Windows 2000 will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.

Here about the blonde who got an A.M. radio?

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a halloween party. He doesnt know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says: Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a scathing letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads: Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candy apple!