Old and New Jokes

Q: What do vibrators and soybeans have in common?





A: They are both great substitutes

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

159. Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on, complain about how much you hate lemonade.

Q: HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
A: One – Men will screw anything.Q: HOW DOES A MAN TAKE A BUBBLE BATH?
A: He eats beans for dinner.Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A MAN WITH AN IQ OF 50?
A: Gifted.Q: WHATS A MANS IDEA OF FOREPLAY?
A: Half an hour of begging.

A metrologist from Dover left on a trip. She was to take the Chunnel to Calais, go south to Perpignan, go to Sèvres, and return home. She never made
it. The obituary reported that she had gone to make her meter.

(The first meter was determined by surveying the longest north-south distance in France, which is pretty close to the line from Calais to Perpignan.)

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.7. You dont have to compliment the person who gives you so me.6. Its O.K. when the person youre with fantasizes youre someone else, because you are.5. Forty years from now youll still enjoy candy.4. If you dont like what you get, you can always go next door.3. It doesnt matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.2. Less guilt the morning after.1. You can do the whole neighborhood.

A blonde was at home watching TV with her friends when she heard a noise. She ran out just in time to see a thief drive off in her car.

"Did you see their face?" her friends asked when she came back inside.

"No, but its okay — I got the license plate number!"

No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for
future reference.
Native language used to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible.
Bad command or filename about as informative as If you dont know
why Im mad at you, then Im certainly not going to tell you.
As soon as you commit to one, you find yourself spending half your
paycheck on accessories for it.

The following advertisement appeared in one of the munition magazines:

The Guy on the Right Doesnt Stand a Chance. The guy on the right
has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system in a portable
package the size of a briefcase. The guy on the left has an Uzi
submachine gun concealed in his attache case. Also in the case are
four fully loaded, 32 round clips of 125 grain 9 mm ammunition.

The owner of the Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower
delivered–and delivered on target–in less time and with less
effort.

All for $795. Its inevitable.

If youre going up against some guy with an Osborne 1–or any
personal computer–hes the one whose in trouble. One round from an
Uzi can zip through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine
what it will do to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In
fact, detachable magazines for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and
40-round capacities, so you can take out an entire office full of
Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied into Ethernet or other local
area networks.

What about the new 16-bit computers, like the Lisa and Fortune?
Even with the Winchester backup theyre no match for the Uzi. One
quick burst and theyll find what UNIX means.

Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi–and come home a
winner in the fight for office automatic weapons.

When theres only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasnt you. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream thats mine. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.Move your desk into the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.Leave a box in the corner and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers. Ask, Did you feel that?Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.When the doors close, announce to the others, Its okay, dont panic, they open again. Call out group hug, and then enforce it.Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Youve ever wrestled your mama for the last can of beer.

You surf the net primarily for tater gun building instructions.

Your car is the only one in a parking lot and you cant find it.