Old and New Jokes

one day on the high way a car starts swerving out of nowhere going back and forth and so on and someone calls the police on their cell phone. the police officer meets up with the car and a blonde rolls down the window and saysoh officer thank god youre here there was a tree in the middle of the road and then another and i had to swerve to keep from hitting it and the officer stares briefly at the blonde then saysmaam thats youre air freshener.

A farmer goes into a farm supply store and orders two hundred chicks,
explaining to the owner that he wants to start a chicken farm. Two weeks
later, he returns to the store and buys another two hundred chicks. The
owner is curious, but doesnt say anything. The same thing happens when
the farmer returns in another two weeks for another two hundred chicks.
When he returns for the fourth time, the owners curiousity is too much
for him, so he asks the farmer why he keeps coming back for so many chicks.
The farmer says, Well, I guess I must be doing something wrong, but I dont
know what. I think Im either planting them too deep or too close together.

Bemused by his lack of success, the farmer sends off a report of what he
has done to the local agricultural school, asking for advice. Three weeks
later, the reply comes back, saying simply, Please send soil sample.

A guy was staying in a fancy hotel and was enjoying the pool when the manager told him to get out. When asked for the reason, the manager said, Because you urinated in the pool.Well, replied the swimmer, lots of people do that. ”True, answered the manager, but you did it from the diving board.

Buckwheat and Darla were in school and the teacher asked Darla, How do you spell dumb?

Darla says, d-u-m-b, dumb.

The teacher says, Very good. Now use it in a sentence.

She responds, Buckwheat is dumb.

Now spell stupid.

Darla says, s-t-u-p-i-d.

The teacher says, Very good. Now use it in a sentence.

Darla says, Buckwheat is stupid.

Then the teacher call on Buckwheat and asks, Buckwheat, spell dictate.

Buckwheat stands up and says, d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate.

The teacher says, Very good. Now use it in the a sentence.

I may be dumb and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!

One night, God spoke to a preacher to tell him what he wanted him to do.

After God had briefed him on his mission, the minister decided to ask him a question.

“God,” he said, “What is heaven like?”

God replied, “Well, normally I dont tell people this, but since you are my servant, I guess I can tell you. Heaven will be like a city. It will have the best of everything. For example, the French will be the chefs; the Italians will be the lovers; the English will be the policeman; the Germans will be the mechanics; and the Dutch will be the politicians!”

The man looked pleased. “What is hell like?” he asked.

“Well,” he said with a sigh, “the French will be the mechanics; the Italians will be the politicians; the English will be the chefs; the Germans will be the policemen; and the Dutch will be the lovers.”

The most effective way to remember your wifes birthday is to forget it once.

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

I have a friend whose job is to process book orders that people have placed by mail. Sometimes, the books ordered tell a whole story in and of themselves. Here are three that caused quite the laughs:

One order for two books:

1. How to win every argument

2. Conversations with God

Another order:

For My Only True Love

Note – please send three copies

Last order for four books:

Getting along with mean people

How not to be mean

How to stay lovers for life – two copies please

Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the light bulb and one to make sure the stack of manuals doesnt tip over.

There was this gas station in redneck country trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying Free Sex with Fill-up.

Soon a redneck customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time.

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time.

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, I think that game is rigged and he doesnt give away free sex. The buddy replied, No, its not rigged — my wife won twice last week.