Old and New Jokes

Patient: Doctor, what does the X-ray of my head show?

Doctor: Absolutely nothing!

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesnt. A man marries a woman expecting that she wont change & she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesnt understand a woman: before marriage & after.

The newest vitamin is made from chicken soup.

It makes men cocky and women lay better.

A new mother took her baby daughter to the supermarket for the first time. She dressed her little girl in pink from head to toe. At the store, she placed her in the shopping cart and put the purchases around her. In the checkout line, she noticed a small boy and his mother were ahead of her.

The small boy was crying and begging for some special treat. He wants some candy or gum and his mother wont let him have any, she thought.



Then she heard his mothers reply. No! she said, looking in her direction. You may not have a baby sister today. That lady got the last one!

No good deed goes unpunished.

The sincerest form of flattery.

Clinton was asked who was a better lover: Monica Lewinsky or Paula Jones.

His response: Paula was good, but no cigar.

Seems that there was a noted gardener who was famous for his wonderful tomato plants. As would happen, one day a young lady asked him his secret for success. He replied that each morning he went out to his tomato plants with nothing on but a robe. He would stand in front of them and flash them. He suggested that she try his method.

A few weeks passed before they again met, and being the gentleman he was, he inquired as to her success. She replied that nothing had happened to her tomato plants, but that he should come and see her cucumbers!

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Franciscos Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat.

The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price. Twelve dollars for the rat, sir, says the shop owner, and an extra thousand dollars more for the story behind it.

You can keep the story, old man, he replies, but, Ill take the rat.

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.

Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time hes walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars….following him.

Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the  rats keep up, squealing hideously now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes racing to the waters edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with with one arm, while he hurls the  bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can throw it.

Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

Ah sir, youve come back for the rest of the story,  says  the owner.

No, says the tourist, I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture of a lawyer!

Score 0 if the statement is never true, 1 if it is rarely true, 2 if it is sometimes true, and 3 if it is always true.

____ Conversations often begin with Put the gun down, and then we can talk.
____ The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
____ The cat is on Valium.
____ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
____ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.
____ The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
____ No one has _time_ to wait for microwave TV dinners.
____ Family meetings are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
____ You have to check your kids day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
____ Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

Scoring:

30A perfect score. Welcome to the neighborhood!
20-29You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little going on in your life. Crank it up.
10-19You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered a parallel career path?
0-9Enjoying all that extra time? What do you _do_ anyway?