You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.
You turn down the lights and close the blinds so people wont know you are online again.
Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL.
Three words: Carpal tunnel syndrome.
You want to meet a girl/guy and your first impulse is to turn on your computer.
You have to get a second phone line just so you can call Dominos.
You no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization or complete sentences …
You find yourself lying to others about your time online and when they complain that your phone was busy, you claim it was off the hook.
You would rather tell people your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much instead of the truth (another all-night online session).
You wont work at a job that doesnt have a modem involved.
You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to check your mail.
You double click your TV remote.
You can now type over 70 words per minute.
You have withdrawls if you are away from a machine for more than a few hours.
You take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling.
You bring a bag lunch and a cooler to the computer when you log on.
You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online before you have your first cup of coffee.
Your relationship online has gone farther than any real one youve had.
You type faster than you think.
You want to be buried with your computer when it dies … or vice versa.
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw?
A: One is loud, obnoxious and noisy; the other is a bird.
Q: Whats the difference between Janet Reno and a school bus driver?
A: The bus driver stops to let the kids out.
Q: How many Argentinians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine thousand-after all, its *their* light bulb.
El marido, muy canchero, le dice a la mujer que otra vez tiene una partida de póquer con Julio. La mina, muy podrida por los engaños, le jura que si lo pesca en otra mentira cuando este dormido se lo corta.
El tipo jura que es inocente, pero igual espera a que la bruja se duerma para salir de trampa. Cuando vuelve, se duerme como un animal. La mujer aprovecha y con un tramontina se lo corta de un saque. La esposa, con una crisis histérica, a lo único que atina es a agarrar el auto y salir a toda velocidad a la ruta.
Cuando reacciona, decide tirar el noble pene por la ventanilla con todas sus fuerzas. Detrás de la mina venÃan dos borrachos en un ratrejero piojoso y con tan mala suerte, que el miembro se estrella contra el parabrisas y se lo enchastra todo; el borrachÃn que manejaba le comenta al otro:
¡Che, cacho, qué pijuda que vienen las mariposas!
Suicidal blonde
A blonde girl got so mad about blonde jokes she decided to kill herself.
She finds a suitable tree and proceeds to hang herself by the ankles.
Two guys come over and say, Are you trying to kill yourself?
The blonde replies, Yes, I am.
One of the men says, Then shouldnt you hang the rope on your neck instead of your ankles?
The blonde says, I tried that, but I couldnt breathe.
Yo mama so old I slapped her on the back and her tits fell off.
Suspecting that his wife had a lover, but still having to be away for a day and a night, the very clever husband came up with an idea.
Under their bed, he placed a saucepan filled with milk, and above it, attached to the bottom of the bed, a wooden spoon. By his calculations, the weight of his wife shouldnt be enough for making the spoon reach the milk; but if she had company in bed, the spoon would get a white line, and the affair would be revealed.
So, the next day, as soon as he got home, he went to the bedroom and inspected the result of his plan…
The saucepan was filled with butter!
During the Soviet years in Lithuania, there was a guy Romas Kalanta who burned himself to death in protest to the Communist regime. The official reaction at that time was that the guys insane.
Now, with Communists gone, a special commision was formed to prove that Kalanta (who has become a national hero) was sane and all right.
So the commision (made of psichiatric experts) unburried the 10 years old remains, examined them, and presented a official report that Kalanta was in his own mind when he passed away.
No problem.
Did you know that Jeffrey Dahmer was the only man in America whose bologna
really did have a first name?