Old and New Jokes

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

Are you the manager? she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. Actually, no he replies.

Can you get him for me? – I need to speak to him. she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

Im afraid I cant, breathes the barman – clearly aroused. Is there anything I can do?

Yes there is. I need you to give him a message she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room!

Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?

…thats right, not even McGyver could fix it.

So — what are you wearing?

Duuuuuude! Bummer!

Looks like youre gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Capn.

Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if youre with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if
youre with the FTC.

We can fix this, but youre gonna need a butter knife,
a roll of duct tape, and a car battery.

Im sorry, Dave. Im afraid I cant do that.

In laymans terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.

Less Common Latin Phrases

Quo signo nata es?

Whats your sign?

Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt.

You know, the Romans invented the art of love.

O! Plus! Perge! Aio! Hui! Hem!

Oh! More! Go on! Yes! Ooh! Ummm!

Spero nos familiares mansuros.

I hope well still be friends.

Mellita, domi adsum.

Honey, Im home.

Tam exanimis quam tunica nehru fio.

I am as dead as the nehru jacket.

Ventis secundis, tene cursum.

Go with the flow.

Totum dependeat.

Let it all hang out.

Te precor dulcissime supplex!

Pretty please with a cherry on top!

Magister Mundi sum!

I am the Master of the Universe!

Fac me cocleario vomere!

Gag me with a spoon!

Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.

I cant hear you. I have a banana in my ear.

Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?

Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?

Prehende uxorem meam, sis!

Take my wife, please!

Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Nihil est-in vita priore ego imperator Romanus fui.

Thats nothing-in a previous life I was a Roman Emperor.

Aio, quantitas magna frumentorum est.

Yes, that is a very large amount of corn.

Recedite, plebes! Gero rem imperialem!

Stand aside plebians! I am on imperial business.

Oblitus sum perpolire clepsydras!

I forgot to polish the clocks!

Vescere bracis meis.

Eat my shorts.

Sic faciunt omnes.

Everyone is doing it.

Vacca foeda

Stupid cow

Fac ut vivas.

Get a life.

Raptus regaliter

Royally screwed

Anulos qui animum ostendunt omnes gestemus!

Lets all wear mood rings!

Insula Gilliganis

Gilligans Island

Three prisoners, an American, a German, and a Mexican, are scheduled to be executed by firing squad.

They bring out the American and stand him in front of the pole.

He points and shouts, Tornado!

They all look and the American runs away.

Next, they place the German in front of the firing squad. He yells Earthquake!

They all hit the dust and the German escapes.

Next up is the Mexican. He looks around and shouts Fire!

The trouble with doing right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was!

The bartender says to Mulligan, No more gin for you, me boy, youre
plastered. So Mulligan says to the bartender: Plashtered, me? Why, I
can see that one eyed cat coming into the pub way over there!

The barman says to Mulligan, One eyed cat? That cats not one eyed,
and its not coming into the pub, its leaving!

When in doubt, ignore it.

God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

Question: How many teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: Twelve. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT!?