Old and New Jokes

From The Simpsons in April of 1993:
[Bart] Didnt you think there was something wrong when you were getting checks for doing nothing?
[Grandpa] I thought it was because the Democrats were back in power.

There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

The Englishman was thinking: The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.

The Irishman was thinking: This is great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel Ill make another kissing noise and slap that English idiot again.

Q: How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Thats a military secret.

Q: How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, because, look! Its getting brighter! Its definitely getting brighter!

Un hombre entra a su restaurante favorito, y se sienta en la mesa de siempre. Da una mirada a su alrededor y descubre a una hermosa mujer en una mesa cercana. Estaba completamente sola. El tipo llama al mozo y le indica enviar a la mujer la botella del Merlot más caro que tuvieran, adivinando que si la mujer aceptaba la botella se rendiría a sus pies. El mozo lleva la botella a la mesa de la mujer:

Esto es de parte del caballero de aquella mesa dice, señalando al hombre. La mujer mira la botella con frialdad durante un segundo, y decide enviarle una nota al hombre. Se la da al mozo, y el mozo la entrega al destinatario.

La nota decía:

Para que yo acepte esta botella, Usted debería tener un Mercedes en su garaje, un millón de dólares en él Banco y 20 cm. en sus pantalones.

Después de leer la nota, el hombre decide contestar. Le da una nota al mozo para que la entregue a la mujer. La nota decía:

Para deleitar su petición, podría vender mi Ferrari Modena 360 y mi BMW 850 iL y quedarme sólo con el Mercedes 600 SEL en mi garaje. Podría también invertir o donar doce de los trece millones de dólares en mi cuenta. Pero… ni por una mujer tan bella como usted me cortaría cinco centímetros!

P.D: Envíeme la botella de vuelta.

Q: What does PONTIAC stand for?



A: Poor Old Negro Thinks Its A Cadillac!

Little Johnny applied for a salesmans job at a big department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world – you could get anything there.

The boss asked him, Have you ever been a salesman before? No, this is my first job, said the lad, but the boss liked the cut of him and said, You can start tomorrow and Ill come and see you when we close up.

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 oclock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, How many sales did you make today? One, said the young salesman. Only one? blurted the boss, Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?? Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars. said Little Johnny.

How did you manage that? asked the flabbergasted boss. Well, said Little Johnny, this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldnt be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser.

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook? No. answered Little Johnny, He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife so I said to him, Well, your weekends screwed – you might as well go fishing.

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first said, I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.

The second said, I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. you open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.

The third said, I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.

The fourth one said, I like to operate on lawyers. Theyre heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable.

Fifth surgeon said, I like Engineers. . . they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end. . .

The following was told at dinner yesterday. I have no idea
of the origin.

Moses, returning from the mountain, spoke to his people:

The good news is we got them down to ten.

The bad news is that adultery is still one of them.

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing; so, after reading many books on the subject and gathering all of the necessary equipment, she made for the nearest frozen lake.

After positioning her comfy foot stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, as if from the sky, a voice boomed out, HEY, YOU, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a cup of cappuccino from her Thermos, and began to cut another hole. Again, a voice boomed, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!

The blonde, now worried, moved to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and once again tried to cut the ice hole. Once more, the voice said, THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!

The blonde stopped, looked skyward, and said, Who are you, God? The voice replied, NO, I AM THE OWNER OF THIS ICE RINK!