Old and New Jokes

Rudnickis Nobel Prize Principle: Only someone who understands something absolutely can explain it so no one else can understand it.

Sighting #1:

I was busy writing some computer program for one of my classes and my roommate asked me if he could use my coffee maker. I said, sure. The next thing I hear is, Hey, where do you put the coffee? I turn to see that he has filled the filter basket with water and is (unsuccessfully) trying to keep the water in the basket by plugging the hole at the bottom with his finger. He and the floor are both covered with water.



Sighting #2:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? I said, If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? He smiled and nodded knowingly, Thats why we ask.



Sighting #3:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, What on

earth are blind people doing DRIVING???



Sighting #4:

At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to rightsizing, our manager spoke up and said, This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often. Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.



Sighting #5:

I worked with an Induhvidual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.



Sighting #6 (a rare double sighting):

A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font theyd take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too.



Sighting #7 (from Tech Support):

Tech Support:

How much free space do you have on your hard drive?

Induhvidual:

Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?



Sighting #8 (from Tech Support):

Induhvidual:

Now what do I do?

Tech Support:

What is the prompt on the screen?

Induhvidual:

Its asking for Enter Your Last Name.

Tech Support:

Okay, so type in your last name.

Induhvidual:

How do you spell that?

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew,how much he was kneaded."Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes — conned by those who buttered him up.Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven. The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.

YODA: Crossing the road makes not a chicken great.
VADER: Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side.
LUKE: Crossing the road is one thing, this is…. totally different.
LEIA: I dont know… but I have a bad feeling about this.
HAN: Hurry up, colonel sanders, or youre gonna be a permanent resident!
THREEPIO: I am fluent in over six million ways of crossing the road.
ARTOO: beep beep be bop.
BEN: Cross the road, chicken. Let go, chicken. Chicken – trust me.
BOBA FETT: What if the chicken doesnt survive? Hes worth a lot to me!
WEDGE: My scope shows the other side but it looks really far, are you sure you can cross it?
CHEWIE: Gwrrroooooaaaarrrrrrlllllll!
JERJERROD: The chicken is crossing the road? We shall double our efforts.
BIB: Die chicken wanga?
BIGGS: At that speed, will you be able to cross in time?
TARKIN: The regional governors now have direct control over their chickens. Fear will keep those chickens in line.
UNCLE OWEN: I told you to forget it. Your only concern is to cross that road.
AUNT BERU: He cant stay here forever. Most of his friends have already crossed. It means so much to him.
ADMIRAL ACKBAR: All chickens – prepare to cross the road on my mark.
LANDO: Why you slimy, no good, double-crossing chicken!! You got a lot of guts crossing that road, after what you pulled!
EMPEROR: If you will not cross, then you will be destroyed!
JABBA: Bo shuda chicken!
JA-JA: Oo! Icky-icky chicken!
SIO BIBBLE: Crossing the road can mean only one thing; invasion.
DARTH MAUL: At last we will cross the road. At last we will have revenge.

From the New Zealand Dominion Sunday Times, 25th October:

Ill take the 2-stroke penalty, but Ill be damned if I play it where it lies
-Golfer Elaine Johnson, after her shot ricoheted off a tree into her bra.

There was a blonde who was taking her kids to Disney Land. When they were about half way there, the blonde say a sign that said Disney Land Left, so the blonde turned back around and went home

DEAR DIARY….August 12
Moved to our new home in Canada. Its so beautiful here. The
mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow
covering them. October 14
Canada. It is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have
turned all colours and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride
through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so
graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This
must be paradise. I love it here. November 11
Remembrance day. Deer season starts soon. I cant imagine
anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I
love it here. December 2
It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with
white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the
snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball
fight (I won). When the snow plough came by we had to shovel the
driveway again. What a beautiful place. We love Canada. December 12
More snow last night. Couldnt get out of the driveway to get to
work. Its beautiful here but Im exhausted from shoveling.
F***ing snow plough. December 22
More of that white sh** fell last night. I have got blisters on
my hands and a sore back from shoveling. I think the snow plough
hides around the corner until Im done shoveling the driveway.
Asshole.December 25
Merry F***ing Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my
hands on the son-of-a-bitch who drives the snow plough, I swear
Ill kill the bastard. Dont know why they dont use more salt on
the roads to melt the f***ing ice. December 27
More white s*** last night. Been inside for three days now
except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plough goes
through every time. Cant go anywhere, the cars stuck in a mountain of white,
and its so frigging cold, The weatherman says to expect another 10
inches of the s*** again tonight. Do you know how many

15 actual announcements taken from church bulletins:

1. Dont let worry kill you- let the church help.

2. Thursday night- potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

4. For those of you who have children and dont know it, we have a nursery upstairs.

5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

7. Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

8. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing Put me in my little bed accompanied by the pastor.

9. Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.

11. The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

15. At the evening service tonight the sermon topic will be What is hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice.

This was a story told to us by our chemistry master at school. A female student wished to make some potassium hydroxide solution (aqueous) and decided to throw a large lump of potassium into a bucket of water.

Her professor observed what she was about to do, out of the corner of his eye and hurried towards her, and after confirming this was what she was intending to do, asked her first to stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the potassium.

She was puzzled and ran after him to ask the purpose of this action.

It will give me time to get away said the professor.

20 Things Guys Think Girls Should Know

1. Were not a bunch of barbarians as you think we all are.

2. No matter what YOU say, your ex-boyfriend IS a jerk.

3. We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too.

4. Dont argue with us when we call you beautiful.

5. Dont treat us like garbage – what goes around comes around.

6. We know youre pretty, thats one of the reasons were going out with you.

7. If you really liked us for who we are, you would let us believe that our mustache, beard, or sideburns look cool.

8. We never shave our legs. So Get over it.

9. NEVER ask us if you can put make up on us. Its just wrong.

10. When we tell you that youre not fat, believe us.

11. We absolutely do not care about The Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, Justin Timberlake, or what any other guy looks like for that matter.

12. Just cause you think youre always right, doesnt mean that you dont have to apologize when you do something wrong.

13. You expect us to say and do sweet things for you, but it would be nice if you did the same every once in a while. We like to know that you love us.

14. We cant always be spontaneous, so try to help us make the plans sometimes.

15. Dont ask us to beat up another guy for you, cause you might get what you wish for.

16. Never pretend like you are going to break up with us and laugh when we believe you.

17. If you want us to put the seat down when were done, you should put it up when youre done.

18. Dont tell us how cute your ex-boyfriend was. That doesnt turn us on.

19. Always remember: The way to a guys heart is through his stomach.

20. We know youre not always right, but well pretend like you are anyway.

IF YOU SEND THIS TO:
0-5 people: you will have bad luck

6-10 people: your crush will notice you

10-15 people: your crush will kiss you

15+ people: your crush will fall in love with you!