Old and New Jokes

A cat died and went to heaven. St. Peter met the cat at the gate and said, Welcome. Is there anything you didnt have on Earth that I can get for you, here in Heaven?.

The cat thought for a moment and said, Yes, I always had to sleep on a hard floor, could I get a warm soft bed?. St. Peter arranged for it.

Next, four mice died and went to heaven. St. Peter asked the same question, and the mice thought a moment and said, Yes, we were always running on Earth, could we get roller skates here in heaven? St. Peter of course granted their wish.

About a month went by and St. Peter saw the cat and asked how he liked his bed. The cat said, I like it alot, but I really enjoy those Meals on Wheels.

Para un argentino frente a un edificio con espejos y se dice en voz alta:

¡Qué pinta tiene el nene!

Sigue caminando y se encuentra con su novia, una rubia despampanante, y vuelve a balbucear: ¡Qué novia tiene el nene!

Sube a su Ferrari rojo y dice otra vez:

¡Qué auto tiene el nene!

Llega a su casa y encuentra a su hermana, que es monja de la Orden de las Esposas de Cristo. Entonces, eufórico comenta:

¡Qué cuñado tiene el nene!

Un hombre llegó muy nervioso al consultorio del psiquiatra y le dijo: Estoy enamorado de mi caballo.

Eso no es nada para preocuparse. Mucha gente se aficiona a los animales. De hecho, mi esposa y yo tenemos un perrito y lo queremos mucho…

Pero, doctor, yo me siento atraído físicamente a mi caballo.

Hmmm, ¿su caballo es hembra o macho.

¡Hembra, por supuesto! ¿Qué cree usted que soy? ¿Un pervertido?

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.

He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.

He descended a bit more and shouted, Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I dont know where I am.



The woman below replied, You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.



You must be an engineer, said the balloonist.

I am, replied the woman. How did you know?



Well, answered the balloonist, everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, youve not been much help so far.



The woman below responded, You must be in management.

I am, replied the balloonist, but how did you know?



Well, said the woman, you dont know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.



The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, its my fault!

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks And get me a whisky you cow! The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls And get me another whisky you idiot. Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrots approach Ive asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or Ill kick you.

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says For someone who cant fly, you complain too much!

Q: How do you get 100 jews in a bus?
A: Throw a quarter into the bus.

Q: How do you get them out?
A: Tell them Hitlers driving.

How to satisfy a woman every time:

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humour, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, dick, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, dont care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, buy, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship … and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

How to satisfy a man every time:

Show up naked … with beer.

You might be a redneck if…
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

What goes a hundred miles an hour around the desert?

An Ethiopian with a free voucher at McDonalds.

41. Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?

A: Chickens day off.

42. Q: Whats more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in a VW bug?

A: Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW bug.

43. Q. Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?

A. To sneak across a pool table without being seen.

44. Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?

A: Bloody great holes all over Australia.

45. Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?

A: Elephino.

46. Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?

A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

47. Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?

A: So that they dont sink in the sand.

48. Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?

A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.

49. Q. What is the difference between an elephant and a blueberries?

A. Theyre both blue, except for the elephant.

50. Q: Why are elephants feet shaped the way they are?

A: To fit on lily pads.

51. Q: What is that stuff between elephants toes?

A: Slow natives.

52. Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?

A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.

53. Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?

A: No? Well, it must work.

54. Q. Why do elephants have four feet?

A. Because lady elephants have big twats.

55. Q: What do elephants use for tampons?

A: Sheep.

Q: Why do elephants have long trunks?

A: Because sheep dont have strings.

56. Q: What do elephants use for condoms?

A: Snakes.

57. Q: What do elephants use for vibrators?

A: Epileptic pigmies.

58. Q: What is an elephants sex organ?

A: His foot… If he steps on you youre FUCKED!

59. Q: What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?

A: A pachydermatoligist.

60. Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?

A: A two-ton pickup.

61. Q: What did the female elephant say during sex?

A: Can I be on top this time?

62. Q: What did the elephant say to the nude man?

A: Cute, but can you breathe through it?

63. Q: What is the height of ambition?

A: An ant climbing an elephants leg with the intention of rape.

64. Q: Whats grey and puts out forest fires?

A: Smokey the Elephant.

65. Q: What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?

A: Cinderelephant.

66. Q: What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant?

A: About 40 lbs.

67. Q: How do you equalize the two?

A: Feed the elephant.