Old and New Jokes

Well this will probably fill my mail box with flames but well the title warns you…

Q: Did you know why they havent found a cure for AIDS yet?

A: They cant get the mice to butt fuck.

John, Tom, Paul and Sam are playing golf one spring day, walking the course and chatting among themselves as golfers are want to do. It was a great day with pars, bogies and doubles liberally spread amongst the group.

As they arrived at the 11th green, nestled into the corner of the course at the intersection of two busy streets, John removed his hat and lowered his head as a large funeral procession passed by.

The other members of the foursome were more than a little impressed. John, Paul said. that is one of the nicest gestures I have ever seen. Most golfers would have putted out and gone on their way.

John looked up at the group with a tear in his eye. Its the least I could do, He replied. we would have been married twenty six years this Thursday.

First guy (proudly): My wifes an angel!

Second guy: Youre lucky, mines still alive.

A fish!

1. So your daughters a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, its really good pay.

2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire… I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

3. You had your bladder removed and youre on the mend.
Heres a bouquet of flowers … and a box of Depends.

4. Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be.
But dont fret about it… She moved in with me.

5. Looking back over the years that weve been together, I cant help butwonder .. What the hell was I thinking!

6. Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.

7. How could two people as beautiful as you… Have such an ugly baby?

8. Ive always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you …. Ive changed my mind.

9. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life….
I never believed in Hell till I met you.

10. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am…
that youre not here to ruin it for me.

11. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go … would you like to take this knife out of my back? Youll probably need it again.

12. Someday I hope to get married … but not to you.

13. Happy birthday! You look great for your age…
Almost Lifelike!

14. When we were together you always said youd die for me. Now that weve broken up, I think its time you kept your promise.

15. We have been friends for a very long time ….. I say we stop!

16. Im so miserable without you …. its almost like youre here.

17. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?

18. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday. So were having you put to sleep.

19. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky, and West Virginia)

On the eve of her wedding, the bride-to-be confessed to her best friend that she was worried about her husband finding out that she wasnt a virgin.

No problem, said the friend. Just go out and buy yourself a nice piece of liver and put it up inside you just before you have sex. Youll feel nice and tight and hell never know the difference.

She went ahead and followed her friends advice.

On her wedding night, she and her new husband went wild. They did it in the tub, they did it on the floor, they did it just about everywhere.

The bride woke up the next morning and found her new hubby was gone and all that was left was a note that read:

Sweetheart, I love you very much. I feel terrible about what has happened. I cant go on after this, and I know now that we can never have a life together.

Goodbye darling.

P.S: …Your pussy is in the refrigerator!

A lovely young thing was walking down the Kings Road in Chelsea, wearing the tightest pair of jeans you ever saw.

A young man approached her and said, I hope you dont mind me asking, but how on earth does anyone get into jeans like that?

Well, she said, you could start by buying me a Martini!

Once upon a time, there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch.The curse prevented the prince from speaking or writing but for only one word each year.However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, the following year he was allowed to speak two words.One day, he met a beautiful princess and fell madly in love with her.With the greatest difficulty, he refrained from speaking for 2 whole years so that he could look at her and say, My darling. But at the end of these 2
years, he wished to tell her that he loved her. So he waited 3 more years without speaking, bringing the total number of silent years to 5.At the end of these 5 years, he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited another 4 years without speaking.Finally, as the 9th year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden, the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said, My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind her dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said, Pardon?

Three strings walked by a bar and noticed a sign outside it that said NO STRINGS ALLOWED.

Indignant at the discrimination the first string decided to go in and order a drink.

The bartender said Cant your read? and when the string refused to leave he picked it up and tossed it out the door.

The second string tried the same thing and when it also refused to leave the bartender punched it and threw it out the door as well.

The third string thought for a few seconds, then scraped itself along the sidewalk harshly until it was ragged all over. Then it twisted itself inside out and around and around until its middle was all in a bunch.

Then it entered the bar, got up on a stool and ordered a martini.

Say, asked the bartender suspiciously, arent you the string I just threw out of here?

Fraid not, replied the string.

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.

The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says,

Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.



Because, the man says, I live in a two-story house.



The Judge replies, What kind of a reason is that! Whats the big deal about a two-story house?



The man answers, Well Judge, one story is…**I have a headache** and the other story is **Its that time of the month!**