Old and New Jokes

Q: How many alt.anagrams readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to say it cant be done because there arent enough vowels, one to be clever and change a lightbulb into bull bit hag, and one to try and sell copies of the Anagram for Windows program he wrote.

Q: How many deaf blind people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Depends on whether or not you can get them to notice the darkness…

You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If…….

You ever heard the phrase, May the force be with yall.

Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boones Farm Strawberry Hill.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You have bantha horns on the front of your land speeder.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.

You ever lost a hand during a light saber fight because you had to spit.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didnt have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

Your father has ever said to you, Shoot, son come on over to the dark side…itll be a hoot.

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your landspeeder.

You think Han Solo would look better in a flannel cause he looks like a little sissy in that vest.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You ever fell in love with your sister.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks during the cantina scene.

In your opinion, that Darth Vader fellow just aint right.

Se acerca un joven al confesionario:

Padre, acúsome de que me la jalo mucho.

Entonces, se escucha una voz que le dice:

Pues por mí te la puedes arrancar cabrón; yo soy el carpintero de la iglesia y ando barnizando esta madre.

yo mama like a bag of potato chips

fri-to-lay









yo mama like a tv even a 2 year old can turn





her on.









yo mama like a shotgun one cock and she





blows.









yo mama so slutty she can suck start a





harley.









yo mama like home depot 4 cents a screw.









yo mama so dark she has to wear white gloves







when she eats a tootsie roll so she doesnt







eat her fingers.









yo mama so dark she spits yoo-hoo.









yo mama so bald she gets brainwashed every







time she showers.









yo mama so hairy they filmed gorillas in the







mist in her shower.









yo mama like a screen door, old, banged up







and loose.









yo mama so fat she puts on lipstick with a







paint roller.









yo mama so poor she cant afford to pay







attention.









yo mama so fat you gotta roll over twice to







get off her.









yo mama so fat she got her own area code.









yo mama so fat she uses a vcr for a beeper.









yo mama teeth so yellow i cant believe its







not butter.









yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to







watch 60 minutes.









yo mama so little she can hoola hoop with a







cheerio.









yo mama so little she can hang glide on a







dorito.









yo mama so short you can see her feet on her







drivers license.









yo mama so fat she sat on a dollar and







turned it into 4 quarters.









yo mama so old i told her to act her age and







the bitch died.









yo mama so stupid she went into the zoo and







started singin we are family.









yo mama so stupid she sits on the tv and







watches the couch.









yo mama so fat she got more chins than a







chinese phone book.









yo mama so fat she got more rolls than a







bakery.









yo mama so fat she put on her yellow jacket







and people started callin out taxi.









yo mama so poor i stepped in her house and







tripped over the back yard fence.









yo mama so greasy she uses bacon as a







band-aid.









yo mama so greasy she sweats crisco.









yo mama like a door nob every one gets a







turn.









yo mama so stupid she locked herself in the







bath room and peed her pants.









yo mama so dirty she wipes her feet to go







outside.









yo mama so fat she stepped of a curb and





went straight to hell.









yo mama so hairy you were born with rug





burn.









yo mama breath so stank whenever she talks





her teeth duck for cover.







yo mamma is so fat that she has to take a bath in the niagra falls.







yo mamma is like a lemonade stad 10 per squeeze.







yo mamma is so fat when she wheres a blue t shirt the air plane crashes into her.







yo mamma is so fat she uses a satelite for a beeper.







(day after haloween.)yo mamma is so ugly every one says its already haloween?







yo mamma is so ugly a person discovers her a animal

Two friends, Fred and Harry were golfing one fine day.

Toward the end of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods.

Harry, laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond where Fred has hit his.

Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute.

Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball.

Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch smashing the weeds to pieces.

All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, Im Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?!

Just for that, you wont have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life… better still; you wont have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life….. as a matter of fact, you wont have any butter for anything the rest of your life!

Then POOF!…she was gone.

After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend,

Harry!….Harry!…where are you?

Harry yells, I hit my ball in these damn pussywillows!

Fred screams back…..DONT SWING! FOR GODS SAKE, DONT SWING!

One day, a blonde was looking through a notebook."Have you found a blank piece yet?" said her blonde friend."Nope," said the blonde. "Somebodys gone through and drawn lines across all the pages."

I
take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her
way back.
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage
last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant,
a little wine, good food… She goes Tuesdays,
I go Fridays.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont
be reporting it. The thief spends less than my
wife did.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster,
electric bread maker. Then she said "There
are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So
what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.
My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street.
The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where
are you going?" My wife said, "I must
be late, everyone is all coming back!"
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am
I too late for the garbage?" Following her
down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!"

She has a tampon behind her ear and cant find her pencil

A Jewish man went to eat at a Chinese restaurant and started to wonder if there were any Chinese Jews.

So, when the waiter came over to take his order, he asked, Pardon me, but Id like to know if there are any Chinese Jews?

The waiter said, I dont know. I will go to the kitchen and ask manager.

After taking his order, the waiter went to the


kitchen and returned in a few minutes.

He explained to the man, No. No Chinese Jews. We have orange Jews, tomato Jews, grape Jews, and pineapple Jews, but no Chinese Jews.