Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if….your belt buckle contains more money, than your pockets do.

Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Peter decided to let him in.

Follow me.

he said, opening the gate and walking in.

After some walk, Saint Peters keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldnt resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing.

Saint Peter was furious.

If you do that again, youll go straight to hell! Follow me, were almost there.

After some more Peter dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Peter was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.

Again they walk and for the third time Peter drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Peter is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.

A few weeks later, Saint Peter goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass off.

Why is it so god damn cold down here?

Peter asks.

Well, you just try bending down for firewood!! The devil replied.

Un tipo conoció a una hermosa dama a través del Internet y decidió casarse con ella en ese preciso instante.

Ella le contestó: ¡Pero si no sabemos nada de nosotros!

Él le escribió: No hay problema, nos conoceremos sobre la marcha.

La chica estuvo de acuerdo, se casaron, y se fueron de luna de miel a un lujoso hotel.

Una mañana, estaban ambos recostados junto a la piscina. El hombre se levanta, sube al trampolín de 10 metros y realiza una perfecta demostración de todos los estilos de clavados que existen. Luego regresó y volvió a recostarse junto a su esposa.

“¡Eso fue increíble!”, exclama la mujer.

“Fui campeón olímpico de clavados. Te dije que nos conoceríamos bien sobre la marcha”.

En eso, la joven se levanta, entra a la piscina y comienza a nadar a lo largo, de ida y de regreso. Después de treinta vueltas, sale y se recuesta junto a su marido.

“¡Asombroso! ¿Fuiste nadadora olímpica de resistencia?”

“No, yo era prostituta a domicilio en Venecia”.

En un bote a la deriva, se encontraban unos náufragos que tenían varios días sin comer. De improviso, uno de ellos saca su cuchillo y comienza a gritar desesperado:

¡Me muero de hambre, ya no puedo más! ¡Me voy a cortar el pene y me lo voy a comer!

Sus compañeros, alarmados al ver que está a punto de mutilarse, le ruegan:

¡No, no lo hagas! ¡Piensa en tu novia, piensa en tu novia!

El tipo, conmovido por las palabras de sus compañeros, suelta el cuchillo diciendo:

Tienen razón, no me lo cortaré.

¡No, güey, piensa en tu novia para que te crezca y nos alcance a todos!

her: hey can i check your tag on your shirt?

(she checks the tag) just what i thought… made in heaven.

Enough research will tend to support your theory.

Last time I saw a face like yours I fed it a banana.

A man goes to Victoria Secret to buy his wife the
most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the
counter goes and gets an outfit. This is $200, she says.
I want one thats more sheer, says he.
This one is $350.
I want it even more sheer than that.
This one is the most sheer that we have. Its $500.
Ill take it! The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her saying, Go put this on and come down to model it for me.
His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and
thinks, This thing is so see-through that the old coot wont even notice if Im wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he wont know the difference. So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and
strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. So, how do you like it? she asks.
Her husband then complains, Darn, youd think for $500 theyd iron the dang thing!

Uh…top 10 things not to say to a naked man:

10: Awww…thats cute

9. Well, at least youre good at other things

8. Do you think itll fit my old Barbie® clothes?

7. My lil brother has one like that.

6. Are you cold?

5. ::giggles::

4. Maybe we should just be friends

3. Can you make it dance?

2. Umm…maybe you should get dressed

1. Oh…look…its hiding!

A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellows absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, How come
after all these years we dont see you at services anymore?The old man lowered his voice, Ill tell you, Rabbi. When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. After this long I figured that God is very busy and mustve forgotten about me, and I really dont want to remind Him!