Old and New Jokes

Llega el inspector de Hacienda a casa de uno que era rico y aficionado a las apuestas, y le demanda que debe a la administración un montón de dinero.

Caballero, debe usted 25.000€ a Hacienda, y vengo a cobrarlos de los contrario pasará a disposición judicial por estafa al Estado.

De acuerdo, pero si no le importa antes me gustaría apostar con usted.

¿Cómo dice?

Me apuesto con usted 50.000€ a que tengo los testículos cuadradros, con forma cúbica.

Oiga, eso es imposible.

Pues si cree que es imposible apueste, yo apuesto 50.000€ a que los tengo totalmente cuadrados.

De acuerdo, los apuesto.

Pero para una apuesta tan fuerte, para evitar malentendidos, mejor vamos a un abogado para que testimonie la apuesta, ¿verdad?

Buena idea.

Vamos, pues.

Y establecida la apuesta se dirigen a un abogado conocido por el rico apostador. Una vez allí…

Bueno, pálpeme los testículos y ya verá lo cuadrados que están.

Se pone el inspector a tocar y nota unos genitales normales y corrientes.

Ja, ja, jaaa, ha perdido la apuesta, tiene los testículos ovalados como todo el mundo, me debe un montón de pasta!!!

Sí, de acuerdo, he perdido. y le dice al abogado: ahora tú dame los 100.000€ que apostamos a que el Inspector de Hacienda me tocaba los cojones.

The top ten reasons college students are looking forward to Thanksgiving break…



10. Youll know that your turkey is a Butterball rather than a Grade F yet semi-edible fur ball



9. Your mother will not be serving your mashed potatoes and stuffing with an ice cream scooper



8. Pumpkin pie is a great alternative to green jello.



7. After your eighth glass of cider, your emergency dash to the bathroom will not be delayed by having to line the seat with toilet paper.



6. Clean underwear, comfortable bed, access to a car, bedroom larger than a 12×14 cell… OK, even if it is for only four days.



5. To eat your meals the only trek youll have to make is from the couch to the kitchen, rather than the dorm to the dining hall…in below freezing weather.



4. Instead of listening to when I first started teaching here… you can be entertained by when your mother was your age… and during the Depression we werent lucky enough to have brussels sprouts. Hell, all we could afford was the sprout!



3. You can eat your corn steamed with butter rather than popped in your microwave.



2. Youll know the hair in the shower drain is your own.



And the number one reason college students are looking forward to Thanksgiving…



1. You wont be eating your Thanksgiving meal off a tray!

Sorry, I dont date outside my species.

You might be a redneck if the most common phrase in your house is, “Someone go jiggle the handle.”

An army Major visiting the sick soldiers, went to one private and asked, Whats your problem, Soldier?

Chronic syphilis, Sir.

What treatment are you getting?

Five minutes with the wire brush each day.

Whats your ambition?

To get back to the front, Sir.

Good man, said the Major.

He went to the next bed, Whats your problem, Soldier?

Chronic piles, Sir.

What treatment are you getting?

Five minutes with the wire brush each day.

Whats your ambition?

To get back to the front, Sir.

Good man, barked the Major.

He moved to the next bed, Whats your problem, Soldier?

Chronic gum disease, Sir

What treatment are you getting?

Five minutes with the wire brush each day.

Whats your ambition?

To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir!

MACK THE SLICE, the notorious duffer, unwound on the first tee and sent a high drive far off to the right. The ball sailed through an open window, and figuring no damage had been done, Mack played on. On the eighth hole a police officer walked up to Mack and asked, Did you hit a ball through that window? Yes I did. Well, it knocked a lamp over, scaring the dog, who raced out of the house onto the highway. A driver rammed into a brick wall to avoid the dog, sending three people to the hospital. And all because you sliced the ball. Im so sorry, Mack apologized. Is there anything I can do? Well, the cop replied, try keeping your head down and close up your stance a bit.

Un torero recibía las últimas instrucciones de su maestro, antes de salir por primera vez al ruedo. Le fue recomendado que el secreto estaba en colocar el capote a la altura de las pelotas y dejar que el toro pase por el capote.

El torero novato espera en la mitad de la plaza y de pronto sale un toro de 500 kgs. y en la primera embestida, con el capote puesto a la altura del cuello, lo arroja violentamente por los aires.

Su maestro, consternado y en camino hacia el hospital, le reclama el porqué no cumplió con haber colocado el capote a la altura de las pelotas, respondiéndole el torero:

Con la salida de ese animal, dónde crees que las tenía…

A Kid was walking to the bathroom, when he saw through the slightly open door, his mother was in there. She was buck naked and looking into the mirror while rubbing her breasts and moaning I want a man. I NEED a man!.

The next day, the same thing happens: the kid is about to enter the bathroom and sees his mother rubbing her naked body in front of the mirror I want a man. I NEED a man



But the next day, when the kid is on the way to the bathroom, his passes his mothers bedroom, where some guy is humping her while she screams I got a man, OH GOD, I got a man!!.



The kid immediately runs to the bathroom, stripping off his clothes on the way, then stands in front of the mirror rubbing his body saying I want a bicycle. I NEED a bicycle!….

Your mommas so stupid she sat on the tv and watched the couch!