A Jewish man and a Chinese man were conversing. The Jewish man commented upon what a wise people the Chinese are.
Yes, replied the Chinese man, Our culture is over 4,000 years old. But, you Jews are a very wise people, too.
The Jewish man replied, Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old.
The Chinese man was incredulous, Thats impossible, he replied. Where did your people eat for a thousand years?
Isnt history more fun when you know something about it?
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers.
Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.
This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as plucking the yew (or pluck yew).
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!
Since pluck yew is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative F, and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as giving the bird.
And yew thought yew knew everything …
Phone NASA. Their phone number is (731) 483-3111. Explain that its very important that you get away as soon as possible.
If they do not cooperate, phone any friend you may have in the White House – (202) 456-1414 – to have a word on your behalf with the guys at NASA.
If you dont have any friends at the White House, phone the Kremlin (ask the overseas operator for 0107-095-295-9051). They dont have any friends there either (at least, none to speak of), but they do seem to have a little influence, so you may as well try.v
If that also fails, phone the Pope for guidance. His telephone number is 011-39-6-6982, and I gather his switchboard is infallible.
If all these attempts fail, flag down a passing flying saucer and explain that its vitally important you get away before your phone bill arrives.
(Douglas Adams in prologue to the omnibus version of The Htchikers Guide To The Galaxy.)
Fitness Philosophy – JokesGalore Style!
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was
60. Shes 97 now & we dont know where the hell she is!
The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Havent lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up?
I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what Im doing.
I dont exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I dont jog…it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
This is strictly for the men… to try at home… on your wife..
Ok women… Delete now… Dont go any further..
Youll be embarrassed!
I warned you!!!
WARNING
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JOKE AHEAD
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MEN ONLY
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Go and find your wife…
Stand some distance from her…
Take you index finger (the one beside your thumb) and wiggle it for her to come to you…
When she gets close.. Put your mouth up to her ear…
… and whisper I just wanted to see if I could make you come with one finger!
(Ok… Pooh you cheated… I know you did!)
One day a man was walking along the beach when he found a bottle, when he opened it up a genie poped out. The genie said he could have one wish. The man thought about it a while then told the man that he was afraid of heights and got sea sick, but really wanted to go to Hawaii so he asked the genie to make a highway to Hawaii.
I dont know said the genie, that is really difficult. Do you have another request?
Well, I really want to know all about women, you know, how they tick and why their the way they are!
The genie replied: Will that be two lanes or four?
You dont know what a redneck is.
Youre still upset that they canceled The Dukes of Hazzard.
You thought ER was ETs cousin.
A blonde goes to the drugstore to pick up a box of condoms for her and her boyfriend.
The clerk rings them up, and asks for $1.06.
The blonde says I thought they were only a dollar.
The clerk says that the 6 cents is for the tax.
The blonde gets all wide eyed and says Oh, is that how you keep em on?!
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following;
Emma come first. Den I come.
Two asses, dey come together. I come again.
Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice.
Then I come once-a more.
You foul-mouthed swine, retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we dont talk about our sex lives in public!
Hey, coola down lady, said the man. Imma just tellun my friend howa ta spella Mississippi.
Batman y Robin se fueron a una fiesta de los Superamigos. A la hora de irse Batman le pide a Robin:
Robin, maneja el batimóvil porque yo estoy hecho mierda.
Robin, muy emocionado, comienza a manejar por primera vez el batimóvil. Le mete primera, segunda, tercera, cuarta, quinta y se va a toda velocidad. Llegan a la baticueva y Batman le dice:
Robin, dame un beso.
¿Qué pasa, Batman? ¿Se te ha subido la cerveza a la cabeza?
No te hagas el huevón, Robin. ¡Tú bien sabes que el batimóvil es automático y no tiene palanca de cambio!