Old and New Jokes

A large dog walks into a butchers shop with a purse in its mouth. He puts the purse down and sits in front of the meat case. What is it, boy? the butcher asks, joking around with his customers. Want to buy some meat?

Woof! barks the dog.

Hmm, says the butcher. What kind? Liver, bacon, steak–

Woof! interrupts the dog.

And how much steak? Half a kilo, one kilo–

Woof! says the dog. The amazed butcher wraps up the meat and finds the money in the dogs purse.

As the dog leaves, the butcher decides to follow. The dog enters an apartment house, climbs to the third floor, and begins to scratch on the door. With that, the door swings open and an angry man starts shouting at the dog.

Stop! yells the butcher. What are you doing? Thats the most clever animal Ive ever seen!

Clever? counters the man. This is the third time this week hes forgotten his keys!

Le pedí a Dios una flor y me dio un jardín,

le pedí un arbol y me dio un bosque,

le pedí un polvo y me dio tu número de teléfono.

De ti depende que crea en Dios.

Te deseo, quiero arrastrarte a la cama,

hacerte sudar, temblar,

incendiar tu cuerpo hasta que me tengas.

Te espero, siempre tuya, no te olvido.

Firmado: LA FIEBRE.

La policía ha encontrado un cuerpo quemado,

con dentadura postiza, peluca,

prótesis de pene y trasero deforme.

Por favor mándame un mensaje

para saber que estás bien.

Seras mi próxima víctima,

te arrastraré a la cama,

te haré temblar de arriba abajo,

te haré sudar, poseeré todo tu cuerpo.

No podrás librarte de mi.

Firmado: LA GRIPE

¿Te gusta que te soben?

¿que te rocen?

¿que te hagan sudar?

¿adoptar nuevas posturas?

¿llegar al fondo?

subir… bajar… entrar… salir…

USA EL AUTOBUS.

La policia busca a una persona guapa,

sexy, carismática e increíblemente buena en la cama.

Tu, claro estás a salvo.

Pero ¿dónde me escondo yo?

Llevaba tanto tiempo sin hacer el amor,

que ya pensaba que FORNICAR…

¡era un empresa de alquiler de coches!

¿Necesitas Sexo?

Para sexo fácil pulse 1, para sexo oral 2,

para sexo suave 3, para sexo duro pulse 4,

para un 69 pulse 5 y para el pack completo pulsa… MI NUMERO.

Some of you may not find these at all funny but their is defintely a demographic that loves them. We decided to just collect as many as possible and throw them all onto one page. Enjoy!

Yo mammas so fat she had her ears pierced by harpoon.

Yo mammas so fat her clothes have stretch marks.

Yo mammas so fat she needs a watch on both arms because she covers two time zones.

Yo mammas so fat, she has two stomaches…one for meats and one for vegetables.

Yo mammas so fat she needs a hula hoop to keep up her socks.

Yo mammas so fat when she goes to a restaurant she doesnt get a menu, she gets an estimate.

Yo mammas so fat, she sets off car alarms when she runs.

Yo mammas so fat, her belt size is equator.

Yo mammas so fat, when she fell in love she broke it.

Yo mammas so fat, she has to buy two airline tickets.

Yo mammas so fat, every time she puts an apple in her mouth people try to roast her.

Yo mammas so fat, when she turns around they throw her a welcome back party.

Yo mammas so fat, she had her baby pictures taken by satellite.

Yo mammas so fat she was baptized in Sea World.

Yo mammas so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.

Yo mammas so fat, when she went to the beach, shes the only one who got a tan.

Yo mammas so fat your bathtub has stretch marks.

Yo mammas so fat shes on both sides of your family.

Yo mammas so fat shes like the Bermuda Traingle; when kids run around her they get lost.

Yo mammas so fat, when I got on top of her my ears popped.

Yo mammas so fat, when I tried to drive around her, I ran out of gas.

Yo mammas so fat, they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.

Yo mammas so fat, when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean.

Yo mammas so fat, she has her own area code.

Yo mammas so fat, they ahd to grease the bathtub to get her out.

Yo mammas so fat, when she bungee jumps she brings down the bridge too.

Yo mammas so fat, when she bends over we lose an hour of daylight.

Yo mammas so fat, Bill Gates couldnt pay for her liposuction.

Yo mammas so fat, when her beeper went off, they thought she was backing up.

Yo mammas so fat she shows up on radar.

Yo mammas so fat, she has more chins than the Hong Kong phone book.

Yo mammas so fat, her high school year book picture was an aerial picture.

Yo mammas so fat, when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.

Yo mammas so fat, her belly jiggle is the first ever perpetual motion machine.

Yo mammas so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.

Yo mammas so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.

Yo mammas so fat, all of her clothes have to be custom made by a contractor.

Yo mammas so fat, when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease, the doctor gave her 5 years to live.

Yo mammas so fat, shes got smaller fat women orbiting around her.

Yo mammas so fat, her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.

Yo mammas so fat, her ass has its own congressman.

Yo mammas so fat, when she goes to the circus she sees the big top and asks Where can I try that on?

Yo mammas so fat, when she leaves the beach everybody shouts The coast is clear.

Yo mammas so fat, when the police showed her a picture of her feet, she couldnt identify them.

Yo mammas so fat, she went on a seafood diet… Whenever she saw food she ate it.

Yo mammas so stupid, she sold her car for gas money.

Yo mammas so stupid she cant pass a blood test.

Yo mammas so stupid that when she swam accross the East River, she got tired half way and swam back!

Yo mammas so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead, because she wanted to make up her mind.

Yo mammas so dumb she stole free cheese.

Yo mammas so dumb she asked for a price check at the $2 shop.

Yo mammas so stupid that when I asked her to buy me a color TV she asked What color?

Yo mammas so dumb, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

Yo mammas so dumb she brought a spoon to the Super-Bowl.

Yo mammas so dumb, she locked herself in a motorcycle.

Yo mammas so stupid, she climbed over a glass wall to see what was on the other side.

Yo mammas so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone.

Yo mammas so dumb it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

Yo mammas so dumb, she got locked in a supermarket overnight and died of starvation.

Yo mammas so dumb, when the sign said Dont Walk, she froze and got hit by a bus.

Yo mammas so stupid, she ordered a cheeseburger without the cheese.

Yo mammas so dumb, on the job application where it said sign here, she wrote Aquarius.

Yo mammas so dumb she tried to drown a fish.

Yo mammas so dumb she put ice cubes in the freezer to keep the refrigerator cold.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Taipei!
Taipei who?
Taipei sixty words a minute is pretty fast!

This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all.

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

DOS Air: Passengers walk out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane,
push it until it gets in the air, hop on, then jump off when it hits
the ground. They grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop
on, jump off…

Mac Airways: The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the
same, talk the same, and act the same. When you ask them questions
about the flight, they reply that you dont want to know, dont need
to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.

Windows Airlines: The terminal is neat and clean, the attendants
couteous, the pilots capable. The fleet of Lear jets the carrier
operates is immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushes above
the clouds and, at 20,000 feet, explodes without warning.

OS/2 Skyways: The terminal is almost empty – only a few prospective
passengers mill about. The announcer says that a flight has just
departed, although no planes appear to be on the runway. Airline
personnel apologize profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing
from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside. They tell each
passenger how great the flight will be on these new jets and how much
safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but they will have to wait a
little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems. Maybe
until mid-1995. Maybe longer.

Fly Windows NT: Passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac and
place them in the outline of a plane. They sit down, flap their arms,
and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.

Unix Express: Passengers bring a piece of the airplane and a box of
tools with them to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing
about what kind of plane they want to build. The passengers split into
groups and build several different aircraft but give them all the same
name. Only some passengers reach their destinations, but _all_ of them
believe they arrived.

You might be a redneck if…
Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.

When youre 47 years old, you sometimes hear a small voice inside you that says: Just because youve reached middle age, that doesnt mean you shouldnt take on new challenges and seek new adventures. You get only one ride on this crazy carousel we call life, and by golly you should make the most of it.

This is the voice of Satan.

I know this because recently, on a mountain in Idaho, I listened to this voice, and as a result my body feels as though it has been used as a trampoline by the Budweiser Clydesdales.

I am currently on an all-painkiller diet. Ill have a black coffee and 250 Advil tablets is a typical breakfast order for me these days.

This is because I went snowboarding.

For those of you who, for whatever reason, such as a will to live, do not participate in downhill winter sports, I should explain that snowboarding is an activity that is popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

These are of course young people, fearless people, people with 100 percent synthetic bodies who can hurtle down a mountainside at 50 miles per hour and knock down mature trees with their faces and then spring to their feet and go, Cool.

People like my son. He wanted to try snowboarding, and I thought it would be good to learn with him, because we can no longer ski together.

We have a fundamental difference in technique: He skis via the Downhill Method, in which you ski down the hill; whereas I ski via the Breath-Catching Method, in which you stand sideways on the hill, looking as athletic as possible without actually moving muscles (this could cause you to start sliding down the hill).

If anybody asks if youre OK, you say, Im just catching my breath! in a tone of voice that suggests that at any moment youre going to swoop rapidly down the slope; whereas in fact youre planning to stay right where you are, rigid as a statue, until the spring thaw.

At night, when the Downhillers have all gone home, we Breath-Catchers will still be up there, clinging to the mountainside, chewing on our parkas for sustenance.

So I thought Id take a stab at snowboarding, which is quite different from skiing.

In skiing, you wear a total of two skis, or approximately one per foot, so you can sort of maintain your balance by moving your feet, plus you have poles that you can stab people with if they make fun of you at close range.

Whereas with snowboarding, all you get is one board, which is shaped like a giant tongue depressor and manufactured by the Institute of Extremely Slippery Things. Both of your feet are strapped firmly to this board, so that if you start to fall, you cant stick a foot out and catch yourself. You crash to the ground like a tree and lie there while skiers swoop past and deliberately spray snow on you.

Skiers hate snowboarders. Its a generational thing. Skiers are (and here I am generalizing) middle-aged Republicans wearing designer space suits; snowboarders are defiant young rebels wearing deliberately drab clothing that is baggy enough to cover the snowboarder plus a major appliance. Skiers like to glide down the slopes in a series of graceful arcs; snowboarders like to attack the mountain, slashing, spinning, tumbling, going backward, blasting through snowdrifts, leaping off cliffs, getting their noses pierced in midair, etc.

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

I took my snowboarding lesson in a small group led by a friend of mine named Brad Pearson, who also once talked me into jumping from a tall tree while attached only to a thin rope.

Brad took us up on a slope that offered ideal snow conditions for the novice whos going to fall a lot: Approximately seven flakes of powder on top of an 18-foot-thick base of reinforced concrete.

You could not dent this snow with a jackhammer. (I later learned, however, that you COULD dent it with the back of your head.)

We learned snowboarding via a two step method:

STEP ONE: Watching Brad do something.

STEP TWO: Trying to do it ourselves.

I was pretty good at Step One. The problem with Step Two was that you had to stand up on your snowboard, which turns out to be a violation of at least five important laws of physics.

Id struggle to my feet, and Id be wavering there and then the Physics Police would drop a huge chunk of gravity on me, and WHAM my body would hit the concrete snow, sometimes bouncing as much as a foot.

Keep your knees bent! Brad would yell, helpfully.

Have you noticed that whatever sport youre trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? As if THAT would solve anything. I wanted to shout back, FORGET MY KNEES! DO SOMETHING ABOUT THESE GRAVITY CHUNKS!

Needless to say my son had no trouble at all. None. In minutes he was cruising happily down the mountain; you could actually see his clothing getting baggier. I, on the other hand, spent most of my time lying on my back, groaning, while space-suited Republicans swooped past and sprayed snow on me.

If I hadnt gotten out of there, theyd have completely covered me; I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of 47-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.

So I think, when my body heals, Ill go back to skiing. Maybe sometime youll see me out on the slopes, catching my breath. Please throw me some food.

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. – A discussion that occurs when youre right, but he just hasnt realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. – What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. – You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but he made the dinner.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. – Gotta get married in a church.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. – You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say focus … breathe … push …

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. – An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. – A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. – The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. – To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery list (grow*ser*ee list) n. – What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. – Someone who is able to create style you will never be able to duplicate again. See Magician.

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. – Similar to a black hole in space: if he goes in, he isnt coming out anytime soon.

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. – On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear…!

Park (park) v./n. – Before children, a verb meaning to go somewhere and neck. After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. – The most important ingredient for dating, marriage, and children. See also tranquilizers.

Valentines Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. – A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds and romance but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. – Comes off if you cry, shower or swim but will not come off if you try to remove it.