Heard this on an NPR distinguished speaker lecture this afternoon:
This Christian was thrown into the ring with a lion. Terrified, he fell
on his knees and started praying. At the same time the lion dropped down
on its knees and started praying too. The Christian, overjoyed, exclaimed,
Thank God! Another Christian! To which the lion replied, I dont know
about you, but Im saying Grace.
Log On: Making a wood stove hot
Log Off: Too much wood on a fire
Monitor: Keepn an eye on the wood stove
Download: Gitten the farwood offn the truck
Megahertz: When yer not keerfull gitten the farwood
Floppy disc: Whatcha git from tryin to tote too much farwood
Ram: That thar thang what splits the farwood
Hard Drive: Gitten home in the winter time
Windows: Whut to shut when its cold outside
Screen: Whut to shut when its black fly season
Byte: Whut dem dang flys do
Chip: Munchies fer the TV
Micro Chip: Whuts in the bottom of the munchie bag
Modem: Whatcha do to the hay fields
Dot Matrix: Ole Dan Matrixs wife
Lap Top: Whar the kitty sleeps
Keyboard: Whar you hang the dang truck keys
Software: Dem dang plastic forks and knifes
Mouse: What eats the grain in the barn
Mousepad: Thats hippie talk fer where the mouse lives
Mainframe: Holds up the barn roof
Port: Fancy flatlander wine
Enter: Northerner talk fer Cmon in yall
Click: What you hear when you cock yer gun
Double Click: When you cock the double barrel
Reboot: Whut you have to do right before bedtime when you have to go to the outhouse.
I found the following bit of humor in the March 1995 Readers Digest. Do any of you have laws youd like to add to the list?
THERE OUGHTA BE A LAW
By Richard Johnson
It seems that we have laws for everything but the stuff that can really get on our nerves. For instance, there oughta be a law to protect citizens from the airline passenger who maintains his seat in a fully reclined position while an in-flight meal is being served. So I propose that we start passing some much-needed legislation to crack down on the following offenses:
RESISTING A REST: Repeatedly disrupting an entire row of patrons at a theater or sports event by heading for refreshments, frequent rest-room visits and leg-stretching.
EUPHONIOUS ASSAULT: Playing the car radio at ear-splitting volume so the next driver is blasted into the back seat.
LANE SHARKING: Parking over two spaces in a crowded lot so that the adjacent space is rendered useless.
COFFEE-RIGHT INFRINGEMENT: Hurry-up restaurant employees who are too quick to bring your bill at the end of a meal.
VIOLATION OF INDIVIDUAL SWIVEL RIGHTS: Rotating a circular merchandise rack while another shopper is browsing on the other side.
BREAKING AND EXITING: Slipping away after dropping a bottle of pancake syrup while in an empty grocery-store aisle.
SORRY I MISSED HIMMEANOR: Intentionally returning unwanted phone calls when you know the party who called will be out.
KIDYAPPING: Failure to get off the subject of your children.
POLY-GAMEY: Attempting to watch two televised football games and a tennis tournament simultaneously on a Sunday afternoon by means of rapid-fire, remote-control channel surfing.
LABOR FRAUD: Politicians who roll up their sleeves only when posing for campaign photographs.
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor! Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers. (P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: Thats what theyre there for.P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect youre right.P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.
Teller: You certainly do! This is a bank.
Q: How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but shell be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it.
Dos mujeres, de esas que los esposos no las sacan nunca, se pusieron de acuerdo para salir una noche a echar broma. Total que se fueron a un bar, se tomaron como diez cervezas cada una, y como a las 12 de la noche se regresaron.
En el camino una dice: Cono, me estoy orinando. Párate por aquÃ, por favor.
La tipa se para, con tan mala suerte que estan al lado de un cementerio. La que se estaba orinando se baja y se pone a orinar en una tumba, pero le da tanto miedo que en lo que termina sale apurada y deja las pantaletas.
Cuando llega, la otra le dice: Ahora tengo que ir yo a orinar, porque de esperarte me dieron ganas a mi tambien.
La tipa se baja, se sienta a orinar en otra tumba, y del miedo cuando termina se pone rápido todo y deja tambien las pantaletas.
Las tipas llegan a la casa y se acuestan. Al otro dÃa, se encuentran los esposos de las mujeres, y uno le dice: No sé tu mujer, pero imaginate la parranda que se echaron, que mi mujer llegó anoche sin pantaletas a la casa.
Y el otro dice:
No joda, chico, eso no es nada. La mÃa llegó anoche sin pantaletas y con una cinta morada en el culo que decÃa: Recuerdo de todos tus amigos…
The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, What do you have in there, pal?
A mongoose.
What for?
Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and Im scared to death of snakes. Thats why I got this mongoose, for protection.
But, the friend said, you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes.
Thats okay, said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, So is the mongoose.
I didnt claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables.
So many channels. . .
So little choice.