Old and New Jokes

Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector asked, What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?

Billy Bob replied, I would switch the points for one of the trains.

What if the lever broke? asked the inspector.

Then Id dash down out of the signal box, said Billy Bob, and Id use the manual lever over there.

What if that had been struck by lightning?

Then, Billy Bob continued, Id run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box.

What if the phone was busy?

Well in that case, persevered Billy Bob, Id rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there.

What if that was vandalized?

Oh, well then Id run into town and go get my Uncle Lester.

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, Why would you do that?

Billy Bob answered, Well, Uncle Lester aint never seen a train wreck!

Una secretaria llega a la oficina de su jefe corriendo desde la calle y le avisa:

¡Señor, le acaban de robar el carro!

¡Caramba! ¿Y usted vio la cara del ladrón?

No, señor, no me dio tiempo. Yo estaba anotando el número de la placa.

Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?

Yes, well, Im having trouble with WordPerfect.



What sort of trouble?

Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.



Went away?

They disappeared.



Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?

Nothing.



Nothing?

Its blank; it wont accept anything when I type.



Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?

How do I tell?



[Uh-oh. Well, lets give it a try anyway.]

Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?

Whats a sea-prompt?



[Uh-huh, thought so. Lets try a different tack.]

Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?

There isnt any cursor: I told you, it wont accept anything I type.



[Ah–at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/hes kicked out his/her monitors power plug?]



Does your monitor have a power indicator?

Whats a monitor?



Its the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when its on?

I dont know.



Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?

[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] Yes, I think so.



Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if its plugged into the wall.

[pause] Yes, it is.



[Hmm. Well, thats interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I dont want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I dont know what kind of monitor s/he has and its bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?



No.



Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.

[muffled] Okay, here it is.



Follow it for me, and tell me if its plugged securely into the back of your computer.

[still muffled] I cant reach.



Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?

[clear again] No.



Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?

Oh, its not because I dont have the right angle–its because its dark.



Dark?

Yes–the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.



Well, turn on the office light then.

I cant.



No? Why not?

Because theres a power outage.



A power–!?! …[AAAAAAARGH!]A power outage? Aha! Okay, weve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?

Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.



Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.



Really? Is it that bad?

Yes, Im afraid it is.



Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?



Tell them youre TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!

Q: What do vibrators and soybeans have in common?





A: They are both great substitutes

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

159. Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on, complain about how much you hate lemonade.

Q: HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
A: One – Men will screw anything.Q: HOW DOES A MAN TAKE A BUBBLE BATH?
A: He eats beans for dinner.Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A MAN WITH AN IQ OF 50?
A: Gifted.Q: WHATS A MANS IDEA OF FOREPLAY?
A: Half an hour of begging.

A metrologist from Dover left on a trip. She was to take the Chunnel to Calais, go south to Perpignan, go to Sèvres, and return home. She never made
it. The obituary reported that she had gone to make her meter.

(The first meter was determined by surveying the longest north-south distance in France, which is pretty close to the line from Calais to Perpignan.)

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.7. You dont have to compliment the person who gives you so me.6. Its O.K. when the person youre with fantasizes youre someone else, because you are.5. Forty years from now youll still enjoy candy.4. If you dont like what you get, you can always go next door.3. It doesnt matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.2. Less guilt the morning after.1. You can do the whole neighborhood.

A blonde was at home watching TV with her friends when she heard a noise. She ran out just in time to see a thief drive off in her car.

"Did you see their face?" her friends asked when she came back inside.

"No, but its okay — I got the license plate number!"

No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for
future reference.
Native language used to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible.
Bad command or filename about as informative as If you dont know
why Im mad at you, then Im certainly not going to tell you.
As soon as you commit to one, you find yourself spending half your
paycheck on accessories for it.