Old and New Jokes

If Dear Abby Was A Man…

Q: My fiance still has feelings for his old girlfriends. Im afraid he will not be faithful.

A: A mans capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners.  Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and dont mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behaviour – and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and dont mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing – your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and ont mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.

A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesnt know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at car-boot sales. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love – we have no time to talk.

A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his love-making is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husbands efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.

A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the effort the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should – he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.

A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Dont mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present ..and dont forget to cook him a delicious meal.

As part of a seminar I recently attended on stress in the workplace,
I was given a packet which included a family stress test. Our family found
that all of the questions fell into what we considered the wuss category,
and generated our own family stress test:

Score 0 if the statement is never true, 1 if it is rarely true, 2 if
it is sometimes true, and 3 if it is always true.

1. ____ Conversations often begin with Put the gun down, and then we can
talk.

2. ____ The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

3. ____ The cat is on Valium.

4. ____ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to
speak through clenched teeth.

5. ____ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.

6. ____ The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number
of people in the family.

7. ____ No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

8. ____ Family meetings are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

9. ____ You have to check your kids day-timer to see if he can take out
the trash.

10.____ Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

Scoring:

30 – a perfect score. Welcome to the neighborhood!

20-29 – You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little
going on in your life. Crank it up.

10-19 – You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled
life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered
a parallel career path?

0-9 – Enjoying all that extra time? What do you do anyway?

In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on stun.
The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a
crew of 20 just to go into warp — The Millennium Falcon does the same
thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.
After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess
Leia still looked fresh and desirable — After pithy Cardassian starvation
torture, Picard looked like hell.
One word: Lightsabers.
Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
The Death Star doesnt care if a world is class M or not.
Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he
encounters.
Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named Slave I.
Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter
impulse power — Han Solo floors it.

I think my wife told me I dont listen.

AMES, IA–The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
materials researchers at IPRT/ISU. The new element, tentatively named
Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight
of 0. However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice
neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of
312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that
involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can
be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into
contact with. According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium
caused on reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction
time is less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at
which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a
reorganization in which neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice
neutrons exchange places. Studies have shown that the atomic mass usually
increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs
naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points,
such as governmental agencies, large corporations, and universities. It is
always found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level
of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it
is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how
Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but
results to date are not promising.

Little Jonny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.

The shrink said,
Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Luke what he wants Santa to bring him. If He cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gifts or gifts he requests.

Two days before Christmas, Lukes father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.

I want a damn teddy bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage.

On Christmas morning, little Luke woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage.

When Luke walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, What did Santa bring you this year?

Luke replied, I think I got a dog but I cant find the son-of-a-bitch!

Dear Mr. Johnson:

Ann Landers wouldnt print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain.



Its about my son, Billy. Hes always been a good, normal 10 year old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy.



We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire — you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying.



I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. Its where he went last year. Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago.



I DONT KNOW WHAT HAS HAPPENED. Hes changed. I cant explain it. See for yourself.



These are some of my little Billys letters: ———————————–



Letter # 1 ———- The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only good part. Were learning how to program. Late at night is the best time to program, so they let us stay up. Love, Billy.



Letter # 2 ————- Dear Mom,



Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all get to choose what we want to drink. By the way, can you make Szechwan food? Im getting used to it now. Gotta go, its time for the flowchart class. Love, Billy.



P.S. This is written on a word processor. Pretty swell, huh? Its spell checked too.



Letter # 3 ————- Dear Mom,



Dont worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I dont have much of a tan cause we dont go outside very often. You cant see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food too. Lay off, Mom. Im okay, really.



Love, Billy.



Letter # 4 ————- Dear Mom,



Im fine. Im sleeping enough. Im eating enough. This is the best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Can you send more money? Ive got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad.



Love, Billy.



Letter # 5 ————- Dear Mother,



Forget the money for the telephone. Weve got a way to not pay. Sorry I havent written. Ive been learning a lot. Im real good at getting onto any computer in the country. Its really easy! I got into the universitys in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, hes going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. Hes really smart. He says that I shouldnt call myself Billy anymore. So, Im not.



Signed, William.



Letter # 6 ————- Dear Mother,



How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Whyd you get so upset? I havent gained that much weight. The glasses arent real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I thought that youd be proud of my program. After all, Ive made some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, Ive paid for the next six weeks of camp. I wont be home until late August.



Regards, William.



Letter # 7 ————- Mother,



Stop treating me like a child. True — physically I am only ten years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. – the bank, credit bureau, and government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I wont write again and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me.



Sincerely, William.



What can I do, Mr. Johnson? See what I mean? Its been two weeks since Ive heard from my little boy. I know that its probably too late to save my little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so. Thank you very much.



Sally Gates, Concerned Parent

Goebels Law Of Software Compatibility: A statement of absolute functional equivalence made in bold print followed by several pages of qualifications in fine.

COMPETITIVE SALARY
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM
We have no time to train you.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE
We dont pay enough to expect that youll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED
Youll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL
We have no quality control.

CAREER-MINDED
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON
If youre old, fat or ugly youll be told the position has been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE
Weve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE
Youll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST
Youre walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS
Youll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Alabama edition
of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama. If
you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help
understanding the commands.

The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the opening
screen. It reads Winders 98 with a background picture of the General
Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy
Duke screen saver. Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse, My
Computer is called This Infernal Contraption, Dialup Networking is
called Good Ol Boys, Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard,
Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and floppies are them
little ole plastic disc thangs.

Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag
and duct tape. Also note that Winders 98 does not recognize capital
letters or punctuation marks.

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy
of the Alabama edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a
replacement version.

Translations of some of the commands and terms used in Winders 98

OKats aww-right
cancelhail no
resetaw shoot
yesshore
noNaaaa
findhunt-fer it
go toover yonder
backback yonder
helphep me out here
stopternit off
startcrank it up
settingssittins
programsstuff at does stuff
documentsstuff I done done

Some programs that are exclusive to Winders 98

tiperiterA word processor
colering booka graphics program
addin mershenecalculator
outhouse paper notepad
jupe-boxCD Player
inner-netMicrosoft Explorer
pichersA graphics viewer
IRSM/S accounting software
IRS2M/S accounting software