Old and New Jokes

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.

Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

Well, it dates back to our honeymoon, explained the man. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule.

We hadnt gone too far when my wifes mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, Thats once.

We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again.

Once more my wife quietly said,

Thats twice.

We hadnt gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time.

My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead.

I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, Thats once.

A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the womans house where they engage in passionate love making.

The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, Quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom! So the man runs into the bathroom.

Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. Why are you naked? he asks.

Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to recieve you.

Okay. the man replies Ill go get ready.

He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.

Who the hell are you?! the man asks.

Im from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with.

The husband exclaims, But you are naked!

The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise, and says… Those little bastards!

There was a Chinese pilot and a Jewish pilot on a flight to NYC. For some reason, they werent too fond of one another, and there was a long, tense silence that accompanied them on their trip. Finally, the Jewish pilot said something to the Chinese pilot:


I dont like the Chinese. They bombed Pearl Harbor.


No, no, no, said the Chinese man. That was the Japanese.

Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, same thing.

Another half hour of tense silence.

The Chinese pilot finally said to the Jewish pilot, I dont like the Jews. They sank the Titanic.

No, no, no! That was an iceberg!

Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, same thing.

Husband : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?



Wife : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.



Husband : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?



Wife : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, What other problem can there be greater than this one?

Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Like, why dont you just get out of my face and stop asking me to do all your work for you ? Im, like, really totally sick and tired of you asking me questions.

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers.

The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.

Well said the drunk, it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.

Let me have it said the lawyer.

Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. Yes he finally said, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I dont know what it is. Where did you get it?

From my nose the drunk replied.

The businesswoman, in town for an important meeting, checked into her room at the swank hotel and unpacked her bags.

Noticing that her best suit had been badly wrinkled during her flight, she telephoned the desk and asked the hotels valet service to pick it up for pressing.

Almost immediately after she hung up the phone, a knock sounded at the door, and there stood an elderly Chinaman, waiting.

Impressed by the fast service, the career woman exclaimed, My, you come lickety-split!

No, maam, replied the elderly Chinaman. Come to get laundry.

Good Luck Frog

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron. The man looks around and doesnt see anyone. Again, he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron. He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, Wow, thats amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replys, Ribbit Lucky frog. The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. What do you think frog?, the man asks. Ribbit 3 wood. The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesnt know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,OK where to next?. The frog replies,Ribbit Las Vegas. They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, OK frog, now what? The frog says, Ribbit Roulette. Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks,What do you think I should bet? The frog replies, Ribbit $3000, black 6. Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, gee, I dont know how to repay you. Youve won me all this money and I am forever grateful. The frog replies, Ribbit Kiss Me. He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss,the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year old girl. And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room so help me God.

No experiment is ever a complete failure; it can always be used as a bad example.

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.