Ten – one to screw it in and nine to sing about how much they miss the old one.
20
May
20
May
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wifes wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it. You know where the button is. I protested through the shower. Reset it yourself! I am scared! She pleaded. What if it starts going and sucks me in? (Pause) Cmon, itll only take a second. So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasnt a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needlelike claws.
Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a fight or flight syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the flight option. Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. Whats the matter, cat got your tongue? If they had only known.
Source unknown. Sent to me via my niece.
20
May
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
20
May
A large dog walks into a butchers shop with a purse in its mouth. He puts the purse down and sits in front of the meat case. What is it, boy? the butcher asks, joking around with his customers. Want to buy some meat?
Woof! barks the dog.
Hmm, says the butcher. What kind? Liver, bacon, steak–
Woof! interrupts the dog.
And how much steak? Half a kilo, one kilo–
Woof! says the dog. The amazed butcher wraps up the meat and finds the money in the dogs purse.
As the dog leaves, the butcher decides to follow. The dog enters an apartment house, climbs to the third floor, and begins to scratch on the door. With that, the door swings open and an angry man starts shouting at the dog.
Stop! yells the butcher. What are you doing? Thats the most clever animal Ive ever seen!
Clever? counters the man. This is the third time this week hes forgotten his keys!
19
May
Le pedà a Dios una flor y me dio un jardÃn,
le pedà un arbol y me dio un bosque,
le pedà un polvo y me dio tu número de teléfono.
De ti depende que crea en Dios.
Te deseo, quiero arrastrarte a la cama,
hacerte sudar, temblar,
incendiar tu cuerpo hasta que me tengas.
Te espero, siempre tuya, no te olvido.
Firmado: LA FIEBRE.
La policÃa ha encontrado un cuerpo quemado,
con dentadura postiza, peluca,
prótesis de pene y trasero deforme.
Por favor mándame un mensaje
para saber que estás bien.
Seras mi próxima vÃctima,
te arrastraré a la cama,
te haré temblar de arriba abajo,
te haré sudar, poseeré todo tu cuerpo.
No podrás librarte de mi.
Firmado: LA GRIPE
¿Te gusta que te soben?
¿que te rocen?
¿que te hagan sudar?
¿adoptar nuevas posturas?
¿llegar al fondo?
subir… bajar… entrar… salir…
USA EL AUTOBUS.
La policia busca a una persona guapa,
sexy, carismática e increÃblemente buena en la cama.
Tu, claro estás a salvo.
Pero ¿dónde me escondo yo?
Llevaba tanto tiempo sin hacer el amor,
que ya pensaba que FORNICAR…
¡era un empresa de alquiler de coches!
¿Necesitas Sexo?
Para sexo fácil pulse 1, para sexo oral 2,
para sexo suave 3, para sexo duro pulse 4,
para un 69 pulse 5 y para el pack completo pulsa… MI NUMERO.
19
May
Some of you may not find these at all funny but their is defintely a demographic that loves them. We decided to just collect as many as possible and throw them all onto one page. Enjoy!
Yo mammas so fat she had her ears pierced by harpoon.
Yo mammas so fat her clothes have stretch marks.
Yo mammas so fat she needs a watch on both arms because she covers two time zones.
Yo mammas so fat, she has two stomaches…one for meats and one for vegetables.
Yo mammas so fat she needs a hula hoop to keep up her socks.
Yo mammas so fat when she goes to a restaurant she doesnt get a menu, she gets an estimate.
Yo mammas so fat, she sets off car alarms when she runs.
Yo mammas so fat, her belt size is equator.
Yo mammas so fat, when she fell in love she broke it.
Yo mammas so fat, she has to buy two airline tickets.
Yo mammas so fat, every time she puts an apple in her mouth people try to roast her.
Yo mammas so fat, when she turns around they throw her a welcome back party.
Yo mammas so fat, she had her baby pictures taken by satellite.
Yo mammas so fat she was baptized in Sea World.
Yo mammas so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
Yo mammas so fat, when she went to the beach, shes the only one who got a tan.
Yo mammas so fat your bathtub has stretch marks.
Yo mammas so fat shes on both sides of your family.
Yo mammas so fat shes like the Bermuda Traingle; when kids run around her they get lost.
Yo mammas so fat, when I got on top of her my ears popped.
Yo mammas so fat, when I tried to drive around her, I ran out of gas.
Yo mammas so fat, they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.
Yo mammas so fat, when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean.
Yo mammas so fat, she has her own area code.
Yo mammas so fat, they ahd to grease the bathtub to get her out.
Yo mammas so fat, when she bungee jumps she brings down the bridge too.
Yo mammas so fat, when she bends over we lose an hour of daylight.
Yo mammas so fat, Bill Gates couldnt pay for her liposuction.
Yo mammas so fat, when her beeper went off, they thought she was backing up.
Yo mammas so fat she shows up on radar.
Yo mammas so fat, she has more chins than the Hong Kong phone book.
Yo mammas so fat, her high school year book picture was an aerial picture.
Yo mammas so fat, when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.
Yo mammas so fat, her belly jiggle is the first ever perpetual motion machine.
Yo mammas so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
Yo mammas so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.
Yo mammas so fat, all of her clothes have to be custom made by a contractor.
Yo mammas so fat, when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease, the doctor gave her 5 years to live.
Yo mammas so fat, shes got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
Yo mammas so fat, her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
Yo mammas so fat, her ass has its own congressman.
Yo mammas so fat, when she goes to the circus she sees the big top and asks Where can I try that on?
Yo mammas so fat, when she leaves the beach everybody shouts The coast is clear.
Yo mammas so fat, when the police showed her a picture of her feet, she couldnt identify them.
Yo mammas so fat, she went on a seafood diet… Whenever she saw food she ate it.
Yo mammas so stupid, she sold her car for gas money.
Yo mammas so stupid she cant pass a blood test.
Yo mammas so stupid that when she swam accross the East River, she got tired half way and swam back!
Yo mammas so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead, because she wanted to make up her mind.
Yo mammas so dumb she stole free cheese.
Yo mammas so dumb she asked for a price check at the $2 shop.
Yo mammas so stupid that when I asked her to buy me a color TV she asked What color?
Yo mammas so dumb, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
Yo mammas so dumb she brought a spoon to the Super-Bowl.
Yo mammas so dumb, she locked herself in a motorcycle.
Yo mammas so stupid, she climbed over a glass wall to see what was on the other side.
Yo mammas so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone.
Yo mammas so dumb it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
Yo mammas so dumb, she got locked in a supermarket overnight and died of starvation.
Yo mammas so dumb, when the sign said Dont Walk, she froze and got hit by a bus.
Yo mammas so stupid, she ordered a cheeseburger without the cheese.
Yo mammas so dumb, on the job application where it said sign here, she wrote Aquarius.
Yo mammas so dumb she tried to drown a fish.
Yo mammas so dumb she put ice cubes in the freezer to keep the refrigerator cold.
19
May
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Taipei!
Taipei who?
Taipei sixty words a minute is pretty fast!
19
May
This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all.
19
May
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
19
May
DOS Air: Passengers walk out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane,
push it until it gets in the air, hop on, then jump off when it hits
the ground. They grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop
on, jump off…
Mac Airways: The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the
same, talk the same, and act the same. When you ask them questions
about the flight, they reply that you dont want to know, dont need
to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.
Windows Airlines: The terminal is neat and clean, the attendants
couteous, the pilots capable. The fleet of Lear jets the carrier
operates is immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushes above
the clouds and, at 20,000 feet, explodes without warning.
OS/2 Skyways: The terminal is almost empty – only a few prospective
passengers mill about. The announcer says that a flight has just
departed, although no planes appear to be on the runway. Airline
personnel apologize profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing
from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside. They tell each
passenger how great the flight will be on these new jets and how much
safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but they will have to wait a
little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems. Maybe
until mid-1995. Maybe longer.
Fly Windows NT: Passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac and
place them in the outline of a plane. They sit down, flap their arms,
and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.
Unix Express: Passengers bring a piece of the airplane and a box of
tools with them to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing
about what kind of plane they want to build. The passengers split into
groups and build several different aircraft but give them all the same
name. Only some passengers reach their destinations, but _all_ of them
believe they arrived.