Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by God….
Well, Bill, Im really confused on this call. Im not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created Windows95.
Im going to do something Ive never done before. In your case, Im going to let you decide where you want to go.
Well, whats the difference between the two? Bill asks.
God says, Im willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.
Fine, but where should I go first?
Ill leave that up to you.
Okay, then, says Bill. Let me try Hell first.
So Bill goes to Hell. Its a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun is shining, the temperature is perfect.
He is very pleased. This is great! he tells God. If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!
Fine, says God, and off they go.
Heaven is a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. Its nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thinks for a quick minute and decides. Hmm. I think Id prefer Hell, he tells God.
Fine, replies God. As you desire.
So Bill Gates goes to Hell. Two weeks later, God decides to check on the late billionaire to see how he is doing in Hell. When he gets there, he finds Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst hot flames in a dark cave, being burned and tortured by demons.
Hows everything going? he asks Bill.
Bill responds, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I cant believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?
Oh … that was the SCREENSAVER.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Gilda!
Gilda who!
Gilda umpire!
Pedrito que llega a su casa y le dice al padre:
Papá, papá, la profesora en el colegio me ha cambiado el nombre y en vez de decirme Pedrito me dice Piter.
Y le dice el padre:
Pues cada vez que te diga Piter tu le dices puta.
Al dÃa siguiente en el colegio empieza la preofesora a pasar lista y dice:
Rigodon.
Presente.
Tinkiwinki.
Presente.
Piter.
PUTA.
¡Repite!
¡REPUTA!
A man is in court. The Judges says,on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?
Guilty, said the man in the dock.
At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted You dirty rat! The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.
The Judge continued ….. and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead?
Guilty, said the man in the dock.
Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, You dirty rotten stinking rat!!
At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?
He replied He is my next door neighbor.
The Judge replied, I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments.
The man replied NO, your Honor, you dont understand.
Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didnt have one!!!
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, Theyre more than meets the eye.
Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
A survey on sexual habits was being carried out by a popular newspaper and one questioner stopped an elderly Italian gentleman in the street who was wearing a black suit and asked him how often he had sexual intercourse.
Oh, about half a dozen times a year, said the gentleman. The questioner smiled.
I thought you Italians were supposed to be sexy! she said.
We are, said the gentleman. But, I dont think half a dozen times a year is so bad for a seventy-two year old priest with no car
There was a blonde speeding down the highway. A blonde cop pulls her over and asks to see her drivers licence. The blonde driver asks, What does it look like?
The blonde cop says, Its sqaure and has your picture on it.
The blonde driver pulls out a square makeup mirror and hands it to the blonde cop.
The blonde cop says Im sorry… I didnt realize you were a cop!
A proposed revision to the rules of golf is being sought in South Florida which will replace the traditional call of FORE.
Once a player has hit an errant shot he will be allowed to call GORE while the ball is still in flight. He can then replace the ball in the same spot and hit it again.
The player can do this until he is satisfied the ball is going where he intended to hit it in the first place. This will cause the time of play to be extended until such time the player can claim the hole.
This revision is causing some consternation to the PGA but proponents say it is only fair.
A recent test of this new rule was recently played out in an exclusive club in Palm Beach County Florida and the first hole only took 19 days to complete.
When the Captain spoke over the intercom system, the passengers were surprised to hear a womans voice. Not to worry … Im a fully qualified pilot and can fly this aircraft better than any man! If youd like to see me in action; once the fasten seat belt sign is turned off, feel free to unbuckle your seat belt, stroll down the aisle and join me in the cuntpit.