Old and New Jokes

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t? she asked the instructor.

P-u-t-t is correct, he replied.

Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.

What type of salad dressing do the Chinese use?

Chairman Mayo.

The Fund Raising Problems of Father Murphy

Father Murphy was a priest in a very poor parish. He asked for
suggestions as to how he could raise money for his church. He was
told that horse owners always had money so ho went to a horse auction,
but he made a very poor buy, as the horse turned out to be a donkey.
However, he thought that he might as well enter the donkey in a race.

The donkey came in third, and the next day the headlines in the
paper read, Father Murphys Ass Shows. The archbishop saw the paper
and was very displeased. The next day, the donkey came in first and the
headlines read Father Murphys Ass out front. The Archbishop was up
in arms and figured that something had to be done.

Father Murphy entered the donkey for the third time and this time
this time it came in second. Now the headlines read Father Murphys
Ass back in place. The Archbishop thought this too much so he forbad
the priest to enter the donkey the next day, which inspired the editor
to write Archbishop Scratches Father Murphys Ass. Finally, the
Archbishop heard this and ordered Father Murphy to get rid of the
donkey. So he gave it to Sister Agatha for a pet. Now the headlines
read Nun Owns Best Ass in Town. When the archbishop heard this, he
ordered her to dispose of the animal at once, so she sold it for ten
dollars. The next day the headlines read Sister Agatha Peddles Her
Ass for Ten Dollars.

They buried the Archbishop.

What did the blonde call her pet zebra?

Spot

So ,this penguin goes into a bar and says to the barman have you seen my brother?… and the barman says I dont know, what does he look like? (ba-dum-tish)

Ones a sick duck and I dont remember the rest, but your mothers a whore.

A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at
the exotica, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a
rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have
it.

He takes it to the owner, How much for the bronze rat?

$12 for the rat, $100 for the story, says the owner.

The tourist gives the man $12, Ill just take the rat, you can keep
the story.

As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a
few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun
following him down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins
walking faster.

But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown
to hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the
Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the
millions, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and
faster.

Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the
bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the
millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.

The man walks back to the curio shop.

Ah ha, says the owner, you have come back for the story?

No, says the man, I came back to see if you have a bronze
Republican.

Una pareja está bailando.

¿Cómo te llamas?, le pregunta el chico.

Ema, contesta ella con un desagradable aliento.

Preocupado por ella, el joven insiste:

¿No estás mala de tu higadito?

No, responde con un tufo terrible.

¿No tendrás una muela picada?

Pues no, sólo tengo un puente aquí, aclara mientras le señala el lugar.

Pues alguien está haciendo caca debajo del puente.

Manolo le dice a Venancio:

¡Qué grande este Henry Ford: amasó fortunas vendiendo autos!

Su amigo le contesta:

Más grande fue su hermano Roque, que se hizo rico vendiendo quesos.

Benign – What you be, after you be eight.

Artery – The study of paintings

Bacteria – Back door to cafeteria

Barium – what doctors do when patients die

Cesarean section – a neighborhood in Rome

Cat scan – searching for kitty

Cauterize – made eye contact with her

Colic – a sheep dog

coma- a punctuation mark

D & C – Where Washington is

Dilate – to live long

Enema – Not a friend

Fester – quicker than someone else

Fibula – a small lie

Genital – a non-Jewish person

GI series – world series of military baseball

Hangnail – what you hang your coat on

Impotent – distinguished, well-known

Labor pain – getting hurt at work

medical staff – a doctors cane

Morbid – a higher offer

Nitrates – cheaper than day rates

Node – I knew it

Outpatient – a person who has fainted

Pap Smear – A fatherhood test

Pelvis – second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative – a letter carrier

Recovery room – place to do upholstery

Rectum – darn near killed him

Secretion – hiding something

Seizure – a Roman emperor

Tablet – a small table

Terminal Illness – getting sick at the airport

Tumor – one plus one more

Urine – opposite of youre out

Varicose – nearby / close by