Top 10 Things Not to say to a Cop when you are PULLED OVER:
10. Back off Barney, Ive got a piece.
9. Wanta race to the station, Sparky?
8. I know I was weaving, but I cant find the Honeycomb Hideout!
7. On the way to the station lets get a twelve pack.
6. Youll never get those cuffs on me…You Wimp!
5. Come on write the freaking ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
4. Hey, wasnt your daughter a pork queen?
3. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
2. Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
And the Number One Thing You Shouldnt Say to a Cop:
1. Im surprised you stopped me, Robins Doughnuts has a 3 for 1 special!
16
May
16
May
Bigfoot has been spotted.
16
May
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dogs face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
16
May
Something for all the animal lovers. 🙂
Accurately telling the weather is an ongoing challenge. Here is a sure-fire method guaranteed to produce consistent results if followed faithfully:
Go to your back door and look for the dog.
If the dog is at the door and he is wet, its probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.
If the dogs fur looks like its been rubbed the wrong way, its probably windy.
If the dog has snow on his back, its probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.
Sincerely,
The Cat
16
May
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a
double-decker bus for a weekend gambling trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great
time, when one of them realized she hadnt heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in
fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of
them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, What the hecks going on up here? Were having a great time downstairs! One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered….. YEAH, BUT YOUVE GOT A DRIVER
16
May
A chemist, a mechanical engineer and a computer scientist are passing through a vast desert in a car when suddenly the engine breaks down.
There must have been some sudden increase of enthalpy in the cylinder, the chemist says.
Nonsense, the fan-belt has broken, the engineer replies.
After thinking a while the computer scientist suggests: Lets get out and in again, that should do.
16
May
Theres these three guys, best friends since childhood. One of them is dating an absolutely stunning babe, and is always bragging to his buddies about the sex they have. Then one day, for who knows what reason, the guy decides that hes getting tired of the lovely lady, he needs some new thrills in his life, and pulls a complete 180, declaring hes gay.
Damn, his friends say, you know that youre probably going to get AIDS and die!
Hey, Ill take my chances, he says. I just needed some kind of change, and wow, did I find it!
Well, to make a long story short, in a couple years he indeed contracts AIDS, and is told he only has a few months left. As hes lying on his death-bed, he calls his old friends together one last time.
Guys, he gasps, youve got to promise me one last thing.
Sure, say his mates. What can we do for you?
When Im dead and buried, will you make sure I have the nicest tombstone you can find? he asks. And will you make sure somethings written on it that everyone will remember me for?
They promise him, and with one final gasp, he passed away. But remembering their promise, his friends found a beautiful granite stone, and had it engraved:
Ashes To Ashes,
Dust To Dust,
If Youd Stuck To Pussy,
Youd Still Be With Us.
16
May
A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. Daddy, what are those two spiders doing? she asked.
Theyre mating, her father replied.
What do you call the spider on top, Daddy? she asked.
Thats a daddy longlegs. her father answered.
So, the other one is a mommy longlegs? the little girl asked.
No, her father replied. Both of them are daddy longlegs.
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. Well, were not having THAT sort of shit in our garden.
15
May
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Passion!
Passion who?
Passion through and I thought Id say hello!
15
May
A blonde walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a WW. Not knowing what that was, he asked the blonde what it was and she told him a White Wine. So he gave her some white wine.
Another blonde walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a RW. Again not knowing what it was, he asked the blonde. She told him it was a Red Wine. So he gave her some red wine.
Then a 3rd blonde walks into the bar, and asks the bartender for a Double7. Very confused, the bartender asks what that is. And the blonde says, Duuuh! 15!.