Old and New Jokes

An American tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty of the house. When his dinner arrives, he asks the waiter what it is.

These, senor, replied the waiter in broken English, are the cojones, how you say, the testicles, of the bull killed in the ring today.

The tourist swallowed hard but tasted the dish and thought it was delicious. So he comes back the next evening and orders the same item. When it is served, he says to the waiter, These cojones, or whatever you call them…are much smaller than the ones I had last night.

Yes, senor, replied the waiter, You see…the bull, he does not always lose.

Llaman al médico de urgencias:

¡Doctor, mi hijo se ha tragado un preservativo, venga corriendo!

Sí, sí, voy ahora mismo!

El doctor estaba recogiendo el maletín, cuando, de repente, vuelve a sonar el teléfono:

¿Doctor?

¿Si?

Soy la que le llamó antes. Que ya no hace falta que venga, ya encontramos otro preservativo.

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop



2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge



3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding



4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead



5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? : You CAN Tell the Difference!



6. If Its Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I



7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Wont Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II



8. Going to the Supermarket: Its Not Just for Women Anymore!



9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In



10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In



11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink



12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Lets Wash Those Towels!



13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When Youre About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!



14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to Goodwill



15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts



16. No, The Dishes Wont Wash Themselves: Knowing the 4 Limitations of Your Kitchenware



17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!



18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What Fourth Down and Ten Means



19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut



20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Dont Fall Under the Action/Adventure Category or Selecting movies that dont star John Wayne on television



21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote



22. I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!: Why Women Laugh



23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Lets Clean the Closet



24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Lets Clean Under the Bed



25. I Dont Know: Be the First Man to Say It!



26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty



27. Directions: Its Okay to Ask for Them



28. Listening: Its Not Just Something You Do During Halftime



29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesnt Mean You Can Fix It

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you dont succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Everything can be filed under miscellaneous.

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of the cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isnt the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

If it wasnt for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you dont know what to do, walk fast and look worried

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

A woman was visiting an Indian reservation one day when an Indian came up to her. He had a feather in his hair. "How did you get that feather?" the woman asked."I screw one squaw," the Indian said. Then, another Indian came up to her. He had two feathers in his hair. "How did you get those feathers?" she asked. "I screw two squaw," he said. Then, an Indian with a headdress of feathers came up to her."My! How did you get all those feathers?" she asked. "I screw two squaw, four squirrel, five rabbit, eight bear." he answered. "Oh dear!" said the woman. The Indian replied, "No deer, deer jump too high, balls get stuck in bush."

What usually happens when a man puts his best foot forward?

It ends up in his mouth!

This Story is true!!! For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone: Dont take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you *dont* know! Now get this.
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered nicely saying, Hello?
I politely said, This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldnt believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robins correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.
When the same person once more answered, I yelled, Youre a jackass! and hung up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word jackass, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, Id call him up.
Hed answer, and Id yell, Youre a jackass!
It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass.
Then one day I had an idea.
I dialed his number, then heard his voice say, Hello. I made up a name. Hi. This is the sales office of the Telephone Company and Im just calling to see if youre familiar with our caller ID program?
He went, No! and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, Thats because youre a jackass!
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if theres ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didnt think she was ever going to leave.
Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. " Great," I thought, shes finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro comes flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.
I started honking my horn and yelling, You cant just do that, Buddy. I was here first! The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didnt even hear me. I thought to myself, "This guys a jackass.
There sure a lot of jackasses in this world."
I noticed he had a For Sale sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, Im at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, Youre a jackass! (Its really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought Id better call this guy, too.
After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, Hello.
I said, Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?
Yes, it is.
Can you tell me where I can see it?
Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. Its a yellow house and the cars parked right out front.
I said, Whats your name?
My name is Don Hansen.
Whens a good time to catch you, Don?
Im home in the evenings.
Listen Don, can I tell you something?
Yes.
Don, youre a jackass! And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansens number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasnt as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:
First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1.
A man answered nicely saying, Hello.
I yelled Youre a jackass! but I didnt hang up.
The jackass said, Are you still there?
I said, Yeah.
He said, Stop calling me.
I said, No.
He said, Whats you name, pal?
I said, Don Hansen.
He said, Where do you live?
1802 West 34th Street. Its a yellow house and my black Camaros parked out front.
Im coming over right now, Don. Youd better start saying your prayers.
Yeah, like Im really scared, Jackass! and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, Hello.
I said, Hello, Jackass!
He said, If I ever find out who you are…
Youll what?
Ill kick your butt.
Well, heres your chance. Im coming over right now Jackass! And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.
Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street.
After that, I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life! Name withheld to protect the guilty.

Two farmers wifes work in the garden. One pluck out a carrot, looks at them for long time and then says:

– My husband has the same.

– Sou big?

– No, sou clean.

Twas the NET before Christmas
When all through our house,
Not a creature was typing
nor moving a mouse.

Our Monitors hummed
and were glowing within,
In hopes that Saint Nicholas
would soon Modem in.

The teenagers were crashed
in their messy bedrooms,
and dreaming of boxes
With games such as Doom.

Mom back from aerobics
and done kissing me,
We just settled in for some
much needed ZZZs.

When in the home office
there arose such a din,
I shot down the stairs,
Had the fax just come in??

Away to my keyboard
I leaped to my chair,
Typed in my password …
But no Fax was there!!

My screen came alive
it was wildly aglow,
The hard drive went crunching
The One and the O.

When what my bifocaled eyes
should I see,
But a Brand New Web Browser
not AT&T.

From server so rapid
(not one on the slates)
That I thought for a moment
It must be Bill Gates!!

Incoming more quickly
than 14.4 fame,
Screeching, now flashing,
Calling Plug-Ins by name.
Now Java! Now Shockwave! & ReaL Audio!
On Website! On Quicktime! & 3VDO!

To the World Wide Web System
To the great Hackers Ball,
Now Cache away!
Cache away!
Cache away all!!

Beyond all the strengths
Of new chips I see,
This CPU giant bought Power to Me
And into my Ram a new Browser Sublime(!)
Brimming with programs
Saint Nicholas is on my Line!!

Then I in a second
Heard soundboarding in,
Saint Nicholass jolly laughter
Above all this din.

I pulled back my hands
and fell out of my chair,
In shock at the sight
Of Saint Nick standing there!

Though made up of Pixels
He seemed very real,
With clothing quite Modern
And full of Appeal.

A bundle of CDs
Were slung from his bag
He looked like an X er
With middle aged sag!!

He wore cool sunglasses
His face was electric,
His cheeks Two Mac Apples
His nose Neon Pink!

His handsome full lips
Were set in a grin,
With a Snow White
Bohemian Beard set on his chin.

With the butt of a Cuban
Lit up with flare,
I saw Cyber Smoke
Making rings in the air!

He got that Hip look
and acted so mellow,
But his belly still shook
Still a Jolly Old Fellow!

Flashing Peace signs to all
and nodding his head,
Lead me to think
I had nothing to dread!

He spoke not a word
But went straight to the show,
Left shiney new Laptops
And then turn to go …

And laying his finger
aside of the node,
As quick as a wink
Through the Monitor he flowed.

He appeared on the Screen
On the keys poked delete
And transported away
His Mission Complete …

But I heard him exclaim
As the screen had turned white,
CYBER CHRISTMAS TO ALL,
AND TO ALL A GOOD BYTE!!

An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night & ask you, What are you thinking? An older woman doesnt care what you think. An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him. The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man gets, the weaker his libido gets … which is why nature intended young guys to go out with older women and young women to go out with older men. An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens. An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is almost always already attached to someone, so theres no need to develop a phobia about committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent lover! Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if youre acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her. An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the two of you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you will probably be the last to know… Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women cant help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey. An older woman will never accuse you of using her. Shes using you. Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call… Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut take out. An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when shes with you, in case you get any ideas… Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they al