Old and New Jokes

How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator?Grease her hips, and throw in a Twinkie.

Election night
Bill: Honey, we won!
Hillary: Honestly?!
Bill: Lets not bring that up…

When Casey stated he was getting married, his pet parrot was very upset & insisted on going on the honeymoon with the couple. Okay, okay, his owner agreed to the bird, You can come along, but I dont want you looking. You gotta promise that youll look the other way when were making love…and if you break your promise, youll get nothing to eat!

Not wanting to be left at home, the parrot readily agreed.

Before leaving on their honeymoon, Casey & his new bride were packing their suitcases, the man, out of breath, says to his wife, I cant get it all in honey, youll have to sit on it.

She says, No, that wont work, Ill get on top and press down.

No thats not gonna work, why dont we both get on top?

Its then that the parrot thinks to himself, Food or no food…this I GOTTA see!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Castro!
Castro who?
Castro bread upon the waters!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Waddle!
Waddle who?
Waddle you give me if I go away!

Warning: Theres a new virus on the loose thats worse than anything Ive seen before! It gets in through the power line, riding on the powerline 60 Hz subcarrier. It works by changing the serial port pinouts, and by reversing the direction ones disks spin. Over 300,000 systems have been hit by it here in Murphy, West Dakota alone! And thats just in the last 12 minutes.

It attacks DOS, Unix, TOPS-20, Apple-II, VMS, MVS, Multics, Mac, RSX-11, ITS, TRS-80, and VHS systems.

To prevent the spresd of the worm:

Dont use the powerline.

Dont use batteries either, since there are rumors that this virus has invaded most major battery plants and is infecting the positive poles of the batteries. (You might try hooking up just the negative pole.)

Dont upload or download files.

Dont store files on floppy disks or hard disks.

Do NOT read messages! Not even this one!

Dont use serial ports, modems, or phone lines.

Dont use keyboards, screens, or printers.

Dont use switches, CPUs, memories, microprocessors, or mainframes.

Dont use electric lights, electric or gas heat or airconditioning, running water, writing, fire, clothing or the wheel.

Im sure if we are all careful to follow these 9 easy steps, this virus can be eradicated, and the precious electronic fluids of our computers can be kept pure.

Cash, check or charge? I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.

Do you always carry your TV remote? I asked.

No, she replied. But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him.

The executive branch.

This old couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary at a dinner sponsored by their family and friends. Just before they were to walk up and take their seats at the head table, the husband pulls his wife aside and tells her; Its been a wonderful 50 years, you have been a wonderful wife and a wonderful mother to our children. No regrets.

Then she says; Yes, it has been a wonderful 50 years, you have been a wonderful husband, and a wonderful father to our children, and I only have two regrets.

Whereupon the husband throws up his hands and asks What, what?.

She replies that for 50 years, when ever we have had sex, you have always been on top; and the second is that for 50 years you have picked your nose.

The husband says I can explain, I can explain. When I left the old country, my father took me aside and told me… Son, whatever you do, keep your nose clean, and never fuck up.

Q: Whats the first thing a blonde does after sex?

A: Opens the car door.