Old and New Jokes

Scared the crap out of the dog

A farmer was getting drunk in the local bar when a man came in

and asked: Hey, why on this beautiful day are you sitting here

getting drunk?

The farmer shook his head and replied, Some things you just

cant explain.

So, what happened thats so horrible? the man asked.

Well, the farmer said, today while milking my cow she lifted

her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

Okay, said the man, but thats not so bad.

Some things you just cant explain, the farmer replied.

So what happened then? the man asked.

The farmer said, I took her left leg and tied it to the post on

the left.

And then?

Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got

the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the

bucket.

The man laughed and said, Again?

The farmer replied, Some things you just cant explain.

So, what did you do then? the man asked.

I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the

right.

And then?

Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I

got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket

with her tail.

Hmmm, the man said and nodded his head.

Some things you just cant explain, the farmer said.

So, what did you do? the man asked.

Well, the farmer said, I didnt have any more rope,

so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter.

In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in

…Some things you just cant explain.

The five questions most feared by men are:1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?The proper answer to this, of course, is:Im sorry if Ive been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the worst response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!
Question # 2: Do you love me?The proper response is: YES! or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, Yes, dear. Inappropriate responses include:a. Oh Yeah, loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?The correct answer is an emphatic: Of course not!Among the incorrect answers are:a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldnt call you fat, but youre not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. Ive seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think shes prettier than me?Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: Of course not!Incorrect

DEAR ABBY: I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much Im not even sure this baby Im carrying is his.

DEAR ABBY: I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

DEAR ABBY: Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home, turn against his own religion?

DEAR ABBY: I joined the Navy to see the world. Ive seen it. Now, how do I get out?

DEAR ABBY: My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $80 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

DEAR ABBY: I was married to Bill for three years and I didnt know he drank until one night he came home sober.

MURPHYS LAWS ON SEX

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2. Nothing improves with age.

3. No matter how many times youve had it, if its offered take it, because itll never be quite the same again.

4. Sex has no calories.

5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7. Sex appeal is 50% what youve got and 50% what people think youve got.

8. No sex with anyone in the same office.

9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12. Virginity can be cured.

13. When a mans wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she cant stand years later.

16. Sex is dirty only if its done right.

17. It is always the wrong time of month.

18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you wont either.

21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night — Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.

22. The younger the better.

23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.

25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

27. Before you find your handsome prince, youve got to kiss a lot of frogs.

28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.

29. Love your neighbor, but dont get caught.

30. Love is a hole in the heart.

31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.

32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.

33. Do it only with the best.

34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

35. One good turn gets most of the blankets.

36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

39. Thou shalt not commit adultery…..unless in the mood.

40. Never lie down with a woman whos got more troubles than you.

41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

42. Never argue with a women when shes tired — or rested.

43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldnt.

44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

46. Never say no.

47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesnt love her.

48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.

51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

52. Love comes in spurts.

53. The world does not revolve on an axis.

54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

56. Dont do it if you cant keep it up.

57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.

58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

60. This wont hurt, I promise,

Q: Whats the difference between Bill Clinton and Joseph Stalin?
A: Some of Stalins subjects admired him.

This one blonde is driving down the street and she sees this other blonde a canoe in a corn field. The blonde in the car jumps out and yells at the blonde in the canoe.

She says What the hell are you doing? Its blondes like you that make us blondes look stupid. If I knew how to swim Id come over there and kick your ass!

I went to a psychiatrist because I was having severe problems with my sex life. The psychiatrist asked me a lot of questions, but didnt seem to be getting a clear picture of my problems.

Finally he asked, Do you ever watch your girlfriends face while youre having sex?



Well, yes, I did once.



Well, how did she look?



Oh boy,… she looked VERY angry!



At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, Well thats very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriends face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw her face that time?



She was watching us through the window.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Hiawatha!
Hiawatha who?
Hiawatha very bad today!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

86. Dont ever flush the toilet.