Old and New Jokes

Did you hear about the blonde who thought he discovered that

he had a twin brother?

He didnt realize he was looking in a mirror.

Forrest Gump died and went to heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gates Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective Heavenly Soul must answer three questions.

1. Name two days of the week that begin with T.

2. How many seconds are in a year?

3. What is Gods first name?



Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered, 1. The two days of the week that begin with T are Today and Tomorrow 2. There are 12 seconds in a year. 3. God has two-first names and they are Andy and Howard.



Saint Peter said, OK Ill buy Today and Tomorrow, even though its not the answer I expected, your answer is acceptable. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why did you ever think that Gods first name was either Andy or Howard?



Forrest responded, Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd,…OK, I give in said Saint Peter, but what about the Gods first name stuff?



Forrest said, Well, from the song… Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own… and the prayer… Our Father which Art in Heaven, Howard be thy name….



Saint Peter let him in without further ado!

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mom.

Did you hear the joke about the football game with the 0-0 score?

Never mind its pointless.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you
with experience.

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old mans cane slips onto the floor and he falls.

As he gets up, Little Johnny, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldnt slip.

The old man snaps back, Well, if your dad had done the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today.

I was working in a scrap yard in Southern England during summer vacation at an engineering university. I used to work repairing construction equipment.

One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt; to free it, I started heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch.

As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along. He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.

So things get larger when they get hot, do they? he asked.

Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind (I know not from where.)

Yes, I said, thats why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter.

There was a long pause, then his face cleared.

You know, I always wondered about that, he said.

Top 10 signs Santa doesnt like your kid:

10. Kids letter to North Pole comes back stamped, Dream on, Chester!

9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes

8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling

7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts

6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a reindeer head in his bed

5. Instead of naughty or nice, Santa has him on the dork list

4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival cruises with Kathie Lee

3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, Touch my beard and Ill put the hurt on you!

2. Labels on all your kids toys read Straight from Craptown

1. Four words: Off my lap, Tubby!

The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when Im lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
I will not eat the cats food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
Kitty box crunchies, although they are tasty, are not food.
I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not chew my humans toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when its raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my moms underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom & dads laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officers hand when he reaches in for dads drivers license and car registration.
I will not play tug-of-war with dads underwear when hes on the toilet.
I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage to avoid having a string hanging out of my butt.
I will not use roll around in the dirt as an option after just getting a bath.
Sticking my nose into someones crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.
I will not hump on any persons leg just because I thought it was the right thing to do.
I will not pass gas in my owners face while sleeping on the pillow next to their head.
I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
The toilet bowl is not a never-ending water supply and, just because the water is blue, it doesnt mean it is cleaner.
I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room.
The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, its usually not a good thing.

Here is a lawyer joke that I heard, but it applies equally well to accountants
or other similar professions:

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of
Heaven, and the angel standing there said, Weve been waiting a long time for
you.

What do you mean, he replied, Im only 45, in the prime of my life. Why
did I have to die now?

45? Youre not 45, youre 82, replied the angel.

Wait a minute. If you think Im 82 then you have the wrong guy. Im only 45.
I can show you my birth certificate.

Hold on. Let me go check, said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few
minutes the angel returned. Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked
all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82…