A goose with a gush.
13
Apr
13
Apr
Former President Bill Clinton is visiting an elementary school and he visits one of the classes (4th grade I believe). They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks Mr. Clinton if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, tragedy. So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stands up and offers, If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy.
No, says Clinton, that would be an accident.
A little girl raises her hand: If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy.
Im afraid not, explains Clinton. Thats what we would call a GREAT LOSS.
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. searches the room. Isnt there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?
Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.
Fantastic, exclaims Clinton, thats right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?
Well, says the boy, because it wouldnt be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss.
13
Apr
One day the elephant and the ant went to play hide and seek in the
Jungle. It was the elephants turn to seek and he searched high and
low until he came upon a temple in the middle of the Jungle.
Q: Now, how did the elephant know that the ant was inside the Temple?
A: Because the ant left his slippers outside.
2. The ant went to visit the elephant one day. After a nice meal, the
elephant suggested they watch TV.
Q: Why did the ant decline?
A: Because he left his glasses at home.
3. One day the elephant and the ant went biking, when they crashed
into a big truck. The elephant died immediately.
Q: Do you know why the ant survived?
A: Because he was wearing a helmet.
13
Apr
The FDA is considering putting additional warnings on beer and alcohol such as:
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in morning.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you cant remember)
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
13
Apr
On his tour to the U.S., the Pope visited a couple who had been childless for six years, try as they might to have a baby. The Pope promised to light a candle for them at the Vatican.
A decade later, the Pope returned and dropped in on the couple again and found nine children romping around the house.
Congratulating the wife on her fruitfulness, the Pope looked around and asked, But where is your husband?
Jim? the haggard woman said. Oh, he went to Rome to blow out that candle!
13
Apr
Ladies and Gentlemen, Mabuhay!, this is your Captain Biglang-awa speaking, We are now over the Philippine trench where you can find the deepest part of the Pacific ocean.
Here you can also find almost all the ferocious creatures in the sea, theres the killer sharks, barracudas and many others. And now for the finale, please, stay calm and dont panic for both our engines are dead and we are now going down into that ocean.
Please wear your life vest. We are going to crashland this plane into the water. In the meantime, I would like you to follow everything Im going to say, repeat after me: Our Father Who is in Heaven …
13
Apr
How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the
bottom of the pool!
13
Apr
A few days ago, we were trying to explain to a MS-DOS user
how the VI editor works. Heres what we come up with:
Vi is an editor with two distinguished modes:
In Edit mode you have all the capabilities of grandmas
typewriter right under your finger tips! You can make the
very same mistakes as you did with grannys typewriter
(and your possibilities to correct them are about the same).
Thats why Vi was provided with a second mode, namely the
_Beep_ mode. On a vt100 terminal or compatible you can
get into Beep mode by pressing an arrow or escape function
key. In this powerful Beep mode even the more innocuous
keystroke will promptly produce a Beep sound. As an example,
arrows, return, blank spaces and most capital letters will
produce beeps in the most arbitrary places of the screen.
Just think about the whole world of possibilities that
this mode gives to you:
–Compose a monotonic symphony or rap while editing your
thesis!
–Send messages in Morse code to the secretary next door!
–Keep yourself awake with the clear sound of the Beep tone!
The variations are endless.
13
Apr
A lieutenant was brilliant in military matters, but lacked a few social graces. One day he called a soldier in to the office and said Kramer, your grandmother died.
The soldier fell apart. After he left, the colonel told the lieutenant, You could have been a little more tactful. I have some books at home that could help you.
The lieutenant read the half-dozen books lent him by the colonel and was ready for the next crisis. Private Taylors grandfather had passsed away.
The next morning, at reveille, the lieutenant said, Men, how many of you have a grandfather still living? Not so fast, Private Taylor!
12
Apr
Si se te acaban las frases para saludar, aquà hay varias:
¿Qué ondita con el pandita?
¿Qué Pachuca por Toluca?
¿Qué Pachuca por Acámbaro?
¿Qué hongo champiñón?
¿Qué epazotes con los elotes?
¿Qué rollo, Goyo?
¿Qué Honduras mi Nicaragua?
¿Qué Pedro, Pablo?
¿Qué pez, marqués?
¿Qué transita por tu avenida?
¿Qué transita por tus venas?
¿Cómo has Estados Unidos?
¿Cómo estanques?
¿Qué pasotes con esos zapatotes?
¿Qué trampa, cazador?
¿Te conozco, Orozco?
¿Qué ondón, Ramón?
¿Cómo estanques mi pescado?
¿Qué transa?
¿Qué pex, marqués?
¿Qué pez, Aquaman?
¿Qué transa, Carranza?
Frases más estructuradas; estas aplÃcalas cuando quieras echarle más calabaza a tus legumbres.
1) ¿Qué Honduras con las verduras que andan bajas las temperaturas? ¡Yo pensé que ya estabas morongas, pero nopales estás bien vivorobas!
2) ¿Qué ondita con el pandita que se tragó una viborita?
3) ¿Qué hongo, jorongo, tepetongo, morongo?