Old and New Jokes

January 1, 2000

Dear (enter employee name here)

Re: Vacation Pay

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As Im sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off.

One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay cheque will reflect payment of $8,277,

432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.

Sincerely,

Automated Payroll Processing

(and I thought it was hard to write down verbal humor . . . Ill give it
a try though.)

This was a one panel cartoon in Aboriginal Science Fiction.

On the bridge of a flying saucer, flying over the Earth:
An alien soldier and his commander.

Soldier to commander:
Well, now that weve captured their king theyll have to surrender!

Behind them, bound and gagged:
Elvis.

Remember when……..

A computer was something on TV from

a science fiction show of note

a window was something you hated to clean

and ram was the cousin of a goat

Meg was the name of my girlfriend

and gig was a job for the nights

now they all mean different things

and that really mega bytes

An application was for employment

a program was a TV show

a cursor used profanity

a keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age

a CD was a bank account

and if you had a 3 1/2 floppy

you hoped nobody found out

Compress was something you did to the garbage

not something you did to a file

and if you unzipped anything in public

youd be in jail for a while

Log on was adding wood to the fire

hard drive was a long trip on the road

a mouse pad was where a mouse lived

and a backup happened to your commode

Cut you did with a pocket knife

paste you did with glue

a web was a spiders home

and a virus was the flu

I guess Ill stick to my pad and paper

and the memory in my head

I hear nobodys been killed in a computer crash

but when it happens they wish they were dead.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Minnie!
Minnie who?
Minnie more!

Here is a basic descriptions of what may happen if an airplane had a specific operating system running.

DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.

DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.

Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons.

Ill make you a deal. Ill open this alligators mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. Hell then open his mouth and Ill remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.



The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligators open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genital, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.



Ill pay anyone $100 whos willing to give it a try.



A hush fell over the crowd.



After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up, Ill try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.

First Law of Procrastination: Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed the deadline).

Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someones answering machine?

Hi, Its a great day and Im out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is Share the love.

Beep.

Uh, yeah … This is the VD clinic calling … Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love!

One Sunday afternoon, a drunk stumbles into a baptismal service down by the river. He staggers into the water and stands next to the minister, who turns, notices the old drunk and says, Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?

The drunk looks back and says, Yes sir, I am.

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. Have you found Jesus? the minister asks.

No, I didnt! says the drunk.

The minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, Now, brother, have you found Jesus?

No, I did not! says the drunk again.

Disgusted, the minister holds the man under for at least thirty seconds this time, brings him up and demands, For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!

The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, Are you sure this is where he fell in?